From Your Beloved

2024

Last year came like a missile to me. And I thought I was strong enough to handle it.

I decided to go on hiatus after news broke out that Taehyung was missing. I didn’t spend Christmas or New year in Korea. Instead, I went home to Bangkok.

Their agency denied that Tae was missing and they covered up the whole truth by saying that he was just under suspension and that he was home with his family in Geochang.

That was crap of course. Taehyung wasn’t in Geochang because if he is then I would have known it by now.
My impulsive decision to go hiatus and return to Thailand earned me some hurtful criticism, some even go beyond insulting me.

It was too much to take. My team suffered because of me and I can’t have the decency to face them even though all of them were insisting that I should go back.

“LISA IS IT TRUE YOU SLEPT WITH YOUR CF COSTARS?”

“WHAT ABOUT THE PHOTO OF YOU AND MINGYU AT A CLUB? ARE YOU CURRENTLY DATING HIM?”

“WHAT ABOUT TAEHYUNG, DID YOU GUYS BREAK UP WHILE HE’S IN THE MILITARY?”

I shook off the nightmares of the past and took a deep breath.

I know to myself that the scandal wrecked me and I succumbed into the depths of my fears because I was too afraid to face the truth. Too scared to be hurt and too scared to hear anything about Taehyung.

Because I didn’t know what I would do if something bad happened to him.

So now I’m suffering on my own terms. I cut all my connections in showbiz and I also shunned away from social media and been inactive for 6 months now. I honestly lost my direction and I have never been so depressed like this my entire life.

If Taehyung will be back, I would know it because despite everything I gave up on, I still attest to fate.

And I still kept his ring on my left finger.

Since I got back to Thailand, I have been keeping myself busy by writing letters addressed to no one but dedicated to my beloved. Every where I go, and each time I remember him, I write and expressed how much I’m feeling down or feeling glad that I’ve met him.

Some days are quiet and often times I get lost by my own thoughts I can almost forget my problems. But there are also times when the troubles of my past keeps up with me.

There was one time as I was strolling by myself at the mall, even I was dressed as low key as possible, I keep on getting recognized. Before all these scandals people were friendly to me. But now they just scowl at me. As if I did something unforgivable. Like I deserve everything that’s happening to me and they’re happy about it.

I am a member of an elite kpop group, I don’t know if YG has terminated my contract yet but I know that whatever happens I will always be Blackpink’s Lisa.

If I had known it will turn out like this from the very beginning, then would I still want to be an idol?

“I know, you’ll still be.”

His voice rang inside my head like a conscience.

“How else would I love you if you’re not? ”


The part of my day which I hated the most is when I’m reminded of how spineless I am when it comes to love.


I’m sorry Taehyungah.

“Miss, I’m sorry but we’re closing early today. My husband and I are celebrating our anniversary so… I guess I’ll give you five minutes?” The lady kindly asked. I was at my favorite beach and though staying for a day was expensive, it was a great deal for privacy.

“Oh, no problem, I was just about to leave. Thank you for the afternoon tea!”

I stayed longer by the beach just watching the sunset. Right now I feel like I’m losing hope and this heavy feeling, as much as I want to suppress, keeps dragging me down to misery. I missed him so much.

I felt my knees weaken and they eventually gave up on me. I let my loneliness go through my tears and I thought I’ve never cried this much before. I hugged myself as I embrace the pain of love and loss.