ɪɴɴɪᴛ | ᴍᴇᴍᴇᴜʟᴏᴜs

•°•8•°•

I remember waking up still in my kitchen, on the floor, the alcohol dry and sticky on the wood. I pushed myself up, letting my eyes adjust. My phone was in front of me, notifications rapidly pinging.

2 missed calls from James🍕

1 new message from Alex🛁

18 missed calls from George💞

37 Twitter mentions.

How long I was out for was beyond my knowledge, but considering I walked in at around 2am, it was around 1pm that day, according to my phone. These boys had tried to get through to me while I was in an unconscious state, they were worried. Even George made an effort, which is rare. They cared.
I checked them straight away, ignoring the fact I looked and smelt really bad.

Alex🛁
Hey y/n, where did you go? I can't find you. Are you safe? Ok? Please get back to me soon.

The Twitter mentions were the boys asking if anyone had seen me, and retweets of their tweets.
I know I left, but I still missed George. I missed his presence. His voice. His laugh. His smile. It was only a kiss but it still hurt.  However, I did feel bad for just leaving like that but at the same time, the guilt was washed over with sadness. What was the worst was that I knew they were both drunk and that they wouldn't remember it without being told but my emotions were so unstable, I found it hard to process things. 

My phone pinged again. A text from George. I stared at it for a little bit, debating whether to look at it or not but I still consciously couldn't decide. My hands shook while my thumb hovered over the screen.

I loved George with all my heart. The thought of losing him rattled my spine and gave me a sick feeling. But instead it felt like I would puke up the hearts and love I gave him.
But I knew that he still loved me, if he didn't he wouldn't have made an effort to try to get through to me.
However, at the same time I doubted that he did  love me. I doubted myself too, was I good enough? Helpful? Fun, caring, beautiful enough? Who knows?

Hours later, George knocked on my door. I wasn't expecting him to so I thought there was no reason to be bitchy about it. I politely let him in and he gave me an apologetic look as if he was going to cry. I was going to cry, but not because I was sad, because I was happy that he came back. Drunk kiss or not, he still had the dignity to face me even though he was well aware that I would be hurting. That's why he was honest. If he wasn't it would've pained me more. 

"y/n, I'm so sorry. I honestly had no idea until Alex told me- please know that I love you." he pleaded, puppy dog eyes sending me into overdrive along with the feeling of wanted to say that everything was alright. Everything was, except my damn emotions that for some reason I cannot control, mixing and changing within seconds.

"I know. I believe you. But right now, that's not the problem. It was only a kiss, I just need to clarify that with myself. Sort out my emotions." I tried to say with a smile, but instead it sounded like I was disappointed.

"I don't understand, sorry...what's going on with your emotions? You mention them a lot, I want to understand." he took his hand in my own and softly said to me. He would never understand. That's the issue, people say they get it but no one really does because everyone's different, meaning that people's emotions swing in different ways. They have different ways of filtering thing. But me? Nothing. I let them fly free, they can come into action when needed - unforced. 

"I don't think you can, George. I don't get them myself. Sometimes I wake up sad, sometimes happy. Sometimes I don't cry when most people would. In this situation: I'm not mad, or sad...just disappointed. But not at you - I don't know. It's just so confusing. Everything is. But also fascinating. The way people think and work and then the feelings that react with the action or behaviour. You reacted with guilt, I reacted with...habits.

I do love you, George. But right now my feelings aren't trusting you but I am, doesn't make sense, I'm aware. I'm trying to say that I forgive you, but I need to be alone for a while, nothing personal. I just need to reassure myself that everything's gonna be alright."

"How do you know everything's gonna be alright?" he questioned, processing my verbal essay.

"I have you and that's all I need to know that things are gonna be alright." I smiled, hopefully my hints that I really needed him for my own sake were clear enough because without him, everything would go back to square one. I didn't want that.

"Innit." he chuckled and brought me into an embrace.

Meanwhile, a certain Beth with long, curled brown hair stood outside my flat door, listening in on how much I needed George. A saviour. Which is the reason why everything went downhill. Everyone went downhill. 

All because of her.