We'll Be Strong

A First Taste Of Regret

Joey

After constant battle with myself, I decided to accept Shane's request to join his and Lisa's family for dinner, though it might be quite awkward. One, because I am not family and two, because I still don't know if Lisa has found out. Shane and I haven't hung out in weeks now since that day. I don't know what goes on in his head but in mine, all I can ask myself is how would it feel like to kiss him again.

Honestly, it feels weird thinking of him in that way. I always thought of him as my older brother, never more. I keep trying to make these thoughts go away but I can't help it. It makes me confirm myself that I am in fact, gay. It almost does. But there's a good chance that I might just be bisexual.

Being Bi, for me, is better than being completely gay. I feel like if you're bi, there is a slightly higher chance that your parents won't...disown you. They would be a bit more accepting if they know, for a guy, that you still are into girls. Vice versa for girls. That is if you're an optimistic person. If not, parents can be quite ignorant and tell you it's just a phase. On the other hand, if you are fully gay, there can be so many negative consequences. Coming out in this society can seriously just be your own personal hell.

But yes, I want to feel him again. The first time it was surreal because everything happened really fast. I suprised myself by leaning in first. I made it happen. And I want to make it happen again. I just have to wait. But I know it would probably never happen again, which sucks total dick. I seriously need to stop believing it's ever going to happen.

I decide to text Veronica and see if she wants to go out clubbing tonight. I haven't seen her in a while and I won't see her for at least a few more days because of the holidays.

Joey:

Hay gurl hay! We out to the club tonight? ;D

I wait a few moments and she responds back

Veronica:

Yasssss biatch!!! What time? Gurl we need to hang out. About time! Some bestie bonding time :D

Well that settles it. I decide to look for some cool dance clubs in San Fransisco on my phone. Most of them look quite sketchy and not safe to go, but I do find a few good looking ones that I consider. So I text Veronica back.

Joey:

I found some clubs. Do you know any of these?: Infusion, The Cellar, or The Grand?

Instantly I hear the ring of a text message. I actually appreciate that she texts back fast and does it most of the time. Usually most of my friends take so long to text back and it's so annoying to me. I sound like a hypocrite because I can do it too, but it's not like I do it all the damn time.

Shane is among the people who answer back quickly.

I proceed to open her her message.

Veronica:

Ooohh!!!! The Grand is sooo cool, we have to like goo!! :D get these bootays Moving lol! The other ones are hella ratchet tbh xD but I'll meet u at ur apartment, 10 sharp.

Well looks like she has decided. When I look at my watch, it's not even close to ten. Worse, I don't know what to do to fill in time. I look around my room and it appears to be clean. When I roam around my apartment, everything seems to be clean. So, cleaning is out of the option.

I went ahead and decided to plan my outfit for Thanksgiving dinner. When I opened my closet, I saw that I mostly owned casual clothing. With the exception of a few cardigans, all I had were t-shirts and jeans. And also like, maybe one suit. Looks like I have to do shopping! I decide to go to Zara, since I can get a lot of semi-formal or formal clothes there. Depending on the occasion, shopping for clothes can be either very frustrating or exciting. This time I think it's going to be somewhat exciting.