We'll Be Strong

Bloom Within

Joey

I've never kissed a boy. I won't lie, I have been tempted before but I have refrained myself to do it. But now that I have, I can apply Katy Perry's song to the current situation, except instead of girl, it was a boy, and I liked it. To be honest it scared me a little. I'm still skeptical about this.

But that kiss. It was marvelous. At first I was shocked and my stomach dropped but at the realization of what was happening, most of my senses melted away. The touch. The feeling of our mouths pressed together and moving in rhythm was absolutely preposterous. A million butterflies erupted in me, their wings tickling my stomach and sending shivers all over my body. To be completely honest, I thought this was going to be absolutely weird but it felt so right and natural. But I had to pull away. And I regretted it instantly.

"I, uh, er, what?" I ran out of words to say, like I forgot the English language in the matter of seconds.

"I can't believe I actually did this," Shane muttered with worry evident in his tone. He ran his hand through his hair and paced around his living room with a mask of concentration.

"Please Shane, we promised this wasn't going to change anything between us. We're just shocked that's all. We'll get over this!" I tried to talk some sense into his brain and to myself but something was nagging at me, causing me to change the way I views Shane. The way I predicted the future of our friendship. I just don't know if it's for the better or for the worst, and frankly I do not wish to know.

"It's just... Oh god man. It's okay... Everything's fine. Nothing has changed. Right?"

"Yeah everything's good. Don't dwell on it too much. At least you got the most difficult part done first." I was only lying to myself though.

I felt something. I couldn't help but replay that kiss over and over again, causing the slightest spark of hunger to ignite in me. I shook those thoughts away from my head. I'm not exactly afraid to come to terms with  who I actually am; it doesn't bother me at all. What bothers me is everyone else's reaction. Despite all the positive outcomes in this world, there's still some pretty fucked up and shitty people running loose. I knew I could trust my friends, but not my best friend, which is ironic and twisted but I just can't. I feel like I'll create a catastrophe with my own mixed emotions and I can't afford that. We all can't afford that.

"Wait, did you even tell Lisa this was gonna happen?" I can't help to feel guilty for this. I shouldn't, but I do.

He hesitated for a moment while looking down at his shuffling toes with his lip between his teeth. "No," he murmured. I could practically see and hear his gears move inside his head as he came up with multiple possible reactions from his girlfriend.

“Um, look. Don’t feel guilty. Please don’t. She’s gonna have to understand that it was just for a film and that’s it. Just, don’t.” I pleaded him. It’s true, he just did it for his project. And I did it to help him. I thought it would be okay. I thought that one kiss was not going to cause trouble. Especially since it was just for work but I am mistaken. I knew I liked it, probably more than I should have but I can’t help it. I can’t let him know that though, for his and his relationship’s sake. I couldn’t.

“Guess you’re right. It was for work and work only. Okay....okay,” he sighed.

That seemed to relax him a bit.

The rest of the day went by fairly quickly. Shane and I were shooting more scenes and so far I like the outcome of his project. Like always, he’s very creative and artistic and his work is fabulous. And I’m not just saying it because I’m one of the main characters because I genuinely mean it. It was very, what do teenagers say today? Ah, fluffy.

That night, I layed down on my bed reflecting about myself and events throughout my entire life. Sure, I never really looked at women in that way because I haven’t really found ‘the right one,’ but I did come across a couple who took my breath away. Growing up, I always got teased because I hung out with mostly girls and for acting ‘feminine.’ I, of course, was oblivious to the opinions coming from my peer’s mouths. I didn’t believe I was feminine at all,  nor did I ever think was manly enough. A man I do consider myself but apparently in today’s society, I’m missing the features and characteristics of one. You can never please society.

Thankfully I am past that and in a safe environment where none of my friends, boys and girls, judge me. At least, I think.

I don’t think I truly did have a girlfriend in the past or maybe even fully kissed and made out with a girl but that’s okay. I brushed it away all these years and it’s not until now that I question who I really am.

I thought about it and replayed the kiss over and over in my head. Soon, the memory was a broken record inside my mind and instantly my heart started dancing to the rhythm. Even thinking about it made my heart race. I just am not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad one.