Senseless

August 13, 1882 - Merritt

Michael is gone to speak to Adonai and Lucius will be at Lily House tomorrow morning. To my surprise, Gabriel has taken Leviathan's advice quite seriously. He spent every free second searching the city for a chapel where I might take refuge. Although there are hundreds of churches in London, most of them are not keen to let a strange girl sleep in their sanctuary.

Gabriel cannot be entirely honest about the reasoning behind my needing a safe place, and even when he provides a feasible excuse most of the ministers just assume I am an unwed woman who has been cast out by her family. This usually goes hand in hand with the idea that I am with child. They did not turn their gaze from the Virgin Mary but they are quick to turn their wrinkled noses up at me.

Michael's absence has not stopped me from praying to Adonai; in fact, it has only intensified my pleading. Leviathan does not seem to believe there is hope of his redemption, but he has not begrudged my asking Adonai for it. I have not told Gabriel about using the blade on Lucius. Leviathan is correct, Gabriel would be displeased at the very thought of it. He is a solemn rule follower and he would not appreciate any deviation from our current plan.

It took Michael, Uriel, and Sariel to keep him from absolutely killing me when I told him that I would not use the sword on Leviathan. He took it as a complete abandonment of my mission, and possibly in some way it is. But I think he understood that I cannot act without confirmation from Adonai. The stakes are just too high. Still, he had been angry:

"You would allow your foolish emotions to keep you from completing a task laid before you by Adonai Himself?" I was once again in Gabe's study.

"Adonai only gave me the task because I asked for it."

"Perhaps you should think before you ask."

I laughed at that. "I cannot argue with such a sentiment, brother."

He ran a hand through his hair. "Foolish girl."

"I love him."

He turned to look at me, "Yes, and you loved him when you asked to kill him too. Have you forgotten so easily what motivated you to do this in the first place, Cassiel?"

I wanted to correct him and tell him to call me Merritt. While Leviathan calling me Cassiel seemed charming, the name on Gabriel's lips was far more accusatory—It was a judgment on the girl I am now, a reflection of the girl I'd been when I'd had that name. There was a weight that came with the name Cassiel, a burden that this human body could not begin to carry. Merritt seemed to fit better, it rested lighter against my chest.

"Things have changed." I said, "He has changed."

He laughed. "That's rubbish—"

Uriel spoke up from her place near the fire. "Gabriel, it is not our place to judge these things. We agreed to help Cassiel navigate earth—what she does in her time here is dependent on what Adonai would have her do."

And she had been right. It wasn't Gabriel's place, and yet I still wanted his approval so desperately. I still want it—and that is why he doesn't yet know about using the sword on Lucius. This topic has been quite prevalent in my prayers recently. My conversations with Adonai are equal parts Leviathan and equal parts Lucius as of late.

I also have kept quiet on the subject because Gabriel is so anxious with trying to find me a place to stay. Since I will not complete my mission before hearing from Adonai, and it is dangerous for me to be near Lucius, he must get me from Lily House before Monday when the devil comes knocking. I could, of course, run—but if I am not on Holy ground then Lucius can easily follow me. If I go, I must have a secure place to hide; otherwise, I will need to hold my ground and play the demure little human girl.

Or use the sword.

Alas, things are so desperately complicated and I can't sleep for the worry of it all. There is one more church on Gabriel's list. He is set to meet with the preacher tomorrow evening. If all goes as planned, I should hopefully be away from Lily House before Lucius can get his hands on me.