Mrs. Independent: Part Two

Chapter Two: Let Me Go

Chapter Two: Let Me Go

We ended up going to Applebees for dinner and she started telling me about school and her friends and how she wants to join a sport. Afterwards, I took her to target and got her a razor, pads and deodorant. I got her new panties and jeans, and promised her we would go shopping in the city soon.
After Target, I took her to dairy queen even though it's really cold outside.
Now it's well after ten thirty when I pull into the driveway.
I shut off the engine and turn the lights off, getting out of the car.
Emma gets out too, following me to the door.
It's unlocked, so I push it open. I lock the car and shut the door behind Emma, locking the bottom lock and the deadbolt.
I hear the TV in the living room pause and Emma and I both exchange looks.
Josh was rude and he said something really fucked up to me.
I take a deep breath and walk straight into the living room.
The boys are in there, along with my husband.
Josh pauses the TV when I walk in.
Emma is staying close to me, probably worried Josh is going to yell at her again.
I pull my sweater tighter around me and fold my arms across my chest.
"I took Emma to Target and got her a razor. And pads. And she's not throwing away that two piece. She's not two, and I will fight you on this. And, by the way, I'm taking her to the city soon and she will be getting bras."
His jaw ticks in annoyance and he holds my gaze.
The house is silent, all four kids tense, watching the two of us.
"Well I'm not okay with that." He says finally.
"Well..." I take a deep breath. "Well I don't really care."
He runs both hands through his hair, a sure sign that he's annoyed, and then he stands up, shoving his hands in his pockets. I lean against the wall.
"She's my daughter too." He says calmly. "And that's not fair."
"Yeah well, sometimes people do or say something unfair Joshua. That's life."
My tone is icy and I see Emma shiver.
She silently moves away from me and sits down between Caiden and Bryson on the couch, messing with a string on her sweater.
"Just because it's life doesn't mean it's okay, Katherine."
His tone is just as icy, but I don't falter in the slightest.
"Kids, go upstairs." I say without removing my eyes from my husband.
None of them move.
"Don't fight over me." Emma says softly. "I'm sorry."
My eyes snap from my husband to Emma.
"You've done nothing wrong." I say. "Now go upstairs. All of you."
All four of them rise and walk out of the living room into the foyer by the stairs, but I don't hear any footsteps on the staircase.
I open my mouth to tell them to go into their bedrooms, but Josh speaks, ripping me from my concerns of making sure they're upstairs.
"I'm just as much a parent as you are. You had no right to go get her all that stuff. You completely ignored everything I said. I told her no, and you went and did it anyways. You had no fucking right to do that. No right at all. I'm just as much their father as you are their mother. You don't get to go over my head. We make decisions about them together."
"Well, that sucks." I say.
He laughs coldly and shakes his head.
"You're being outrageous! The only reason you went and did that is because you're pissed off about what I said."
"You're damn right I'm pissed off!" I yell at him. "That was a dick move, Josh. You were the one person, the one fucking person who I knew would never use that against me, ever! And look what you fucking did!"
"I didn't mean it in the way you took it, and you fucking know that!"
"No, I think you meant it the exact way I took it!" I yell at him.
"No I didn't, and if you weren't being so fucking stubborn and you would listen for once, you would know that!"
I start shaking my head, furious.
"That's bullshit. That's bullshit! Explain it then," I walk further into the room, right in front of him. "Explain it! How did you mean it? Please enlighten me!"
"I meant it as, she's going to be old enough to have sex and get pregnant and make the decision of an abortion!"
I shake my head angrily.
"No, that's not what you meant! That doesn't make any goddamn sense! Say it! Say what you fucking meant!"
"I just did!" He yells back at me.
"What about the drug part?" I say. "What about that, huh? How does that make sense? I said she got her period like how I did, and what did you say? You brought up abortion and selling drugs right away! You wanna know what I think? I think you meant it! You don't want her to be like me!"
"No, that's not what I meant!" He yells. "Would you stop? Just fucking listen!"
"Then tell me what you meant!" I shout at him.
"God dammit!" He rips his fingers through his hair. "You're so fucking annoying! You aren't even giving me a chance to think!"
"So think!" I shout at him. "I'll goddamn wait!"
We stand in silence and after about thirty seconds I start pacing, my heart racing in anger.
"If you have to think about it, you meant it the way I think you meant it! You're trying to come up with a reason! Admit it! You don't want her to be like me! Admit it! Say it, Joshua! Fucking say it!"
"Fine!" He shouts. "Fine, I don't want her to be like you! Fucking fine!"
The house is dead silent.
I didn't actually want him to say it.
I wanted him to tell me I was wrong.
Does he still think I'm that person? Have I always been that person to him?
My mind flashes back years ago, when the kids were younger and my sister was stuck in a drug cycle because of Alex and Grant. I had to go to jail to stop them from hurting my family.
And when I got home, I took a bath with him and he was distraught because he thought I died and I was insecure and asked him what he saw in me and he told me I was strong, and selfless, and beautiful, and brilliant. He said I was an incredible sister, an awesome daughter, an excellent mother, and an extraordinary wife.
But now my parents are divorced and I know deep down I started the problems. They never fought before I got into drugs. My sister is scarred with memories I have in my own head, and my brother sat back and watched everything fall apart. Now he's rather distant from the family and I think it's because he doesn't want me to bring the drugs near his kids. I only see him on holidays, and we used to be close. He was always the one on my side. Always.
And Josh was there. He was always there. He always told me that I wasn't who everyone thought I was. He told me it wasn't my fault.
And now he's telling me he doesn't want Emma to be like me.
But if I'm who he said he thought I was, then why doesn't he want Emma to be like me?
Because he was lying to appease me. That's the only explanation.
I feel like somebody is grabbing my lungs and squeezing them.
"Katherine, wait," he starts. I feel my body moving backwards and I hold my breath, trying to stop myself from crying. It feels like the four walls of this house are closing in on me. I turn on my heel and run to the front door, past the kids who are sitting on the bottom of the stairs. My hands tremble as I force the lock loose. I throw the door open and step out into the cold air.
"Katherine. Babe, wait." I hear him right behind me, and I start running down the driveway.
"Katherine!"
His hand locks around my wrist, forcing me to a stop.
"Let go of me!" I shout at him, choking on my own words. I shove his chest but he hardly moves, and I feel powerless. "Let me go! Let go! Don't fucking touch me!"
My voice is echoing around the night sky. His hand releases me.
"Don't leave." His eyes plead with me. "I didn't mean it that way. I swear I didn't. Don't go. Please!"
I shake my head, backing up towards the street. My eyes are blurred with tears as the back of my sneaker finds the road.
He was the one person who believed in me. Was it all a lie?
I rub my eyes but the tears keep coming. My feet propel me backwards, my head shaking frantically.
"Don't go," Josh says. "Please, please don't go."
"You wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it." I whisper. "You still think I'm that girl. Was it all a lie?"
"No!" He shakes his head frantically. "No. Katherine," he reaches for me but I step out into the street, shaking my head.
"I need to go." I force out the words.
"No. No, we made a promise forever ago-"
"To hell with that promise!" I say, tears streaming down my face.
"Where are you going to go?"
"As far away from you as possible."
I rush past him back to the house, past the kids huddled by the doorway.
"Katherine, leaving isn't going to solve anything. I'm sorry, okay? Can we just talk?"
"No, I don't want to talk to you." I grab my purse and start ripping through it to find my keys, shaking my head frantically.
"So go upstairs and I'll leave you alone. Go to your study. Wherever you want in the house. I'll leave you alone, but don't leave. You're in no condition to drive-"
"I'm fine." I snap at him. "I'm grown. I can handle myself. I've been doing it for years!"
I unlock the Escalade and pull open the door.
He starts to get frantic.
"No. You can't leave."
"Get the hell out of my way." I say.
"No. No, I just want to talk to you-"
"Move!" I yell.
"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Let me go!" I yell at him. "Let me past, Josh!"
"No, I'm not letting you go!"
Have you ever tried to hold water? And it just slips through your fingers no matter what you do, falling to the bottom of the tub and disappearing down the drain before you have a chance? And you reach for the plug to the drain to stop it, but it's gone before you can?
That's how fast I feel our relationship falling, and standing in front of him screaming is just...it hurts.
I drop my head into my hands, leaning against the back door, trying as hard as I can to keep it together.
"Katherine, I'm sorry." He whispers. "But please. Don't leave."
I start shaking my head.
"I can't be in the same house with you like this." I whisper. "I can't."
I force myself to look into his eyes, and he looks like he's trying not to cry.
"Please let me go. Please."
He holds my gaze for a minute, and then slowly he steps to the side.
In seconds I'm in the car with my seatbelt on, but he's standing so I can't shut the door.
I remember back when Caiden was a baby and Josh and I were fighting over who gets to go to work and we agreed he would come to work with me. After we resolved the fight, I remembered him leaving for work without saying that he loved me, and it felt like a punch in the face.
We made a promise to never go to sleep or leave the house without saying I love you.
Wiping my tears, I start the engine and turn to him, both of us waiting for the other to say it.
After a moment, he steps back.
"I love you." I say, and I do.
No matter how pissed I am, I do. I do love him.
He nods sadly.
"I love you too."
I reach for the door handle and pull it shut.
Without a glance in his direction, I back out of the driveway.

_______

Honestly it's impossible to pick sides with this fight because they were both so wrong *shakes head*
But on the bright side I finished my homework
~Sam