Mrs. Independent: Part Two

Chapter Eleven: Illinois

Chapter Eleven: Illinois

I don't think any of us were really expecting me to lose my shit, and I was expecting protests from Josh, but by the time I got downstairs from packing, he had already called the pilot to get the jet ready, he already called his boss and took the rest of the week off, and he had all of Lucy's papers ready so she can fly.
My MacBook was in it's travel sleeve with the charger, and he ran all the food that's going to go bad before we get back to the neighbors house so it won't be wasted.
I politely thanked him for packing my MacBook, but I left it in the study, alongside my work phone.
I don't want to deal with work.
By the time we got to the airport, I was so ready to get out of this place that when our pilot asked where we wanted to go, I said the first thing that came to mind.
California.
The plane took off and I'm staring out the window.
The kids are doing whatever and I just feel sad as I think back to when the kids were younger.
My family always made me feel like I was drowning, even when I was doing the right thing. With my parents divorced, it's worse. I used to take the kids to the park and I loved watching movies with them and I feel like I've been so miserable that I'm just pulling away from everybody. I feel like my kids are so afraid of getting in trouble that they're afraid to talk to me.
I lost my shit with Josh and left in front of the kids, and now my son got into a fight at school and I know they won't admit it, but they still worry we're getting divorced.
I did that, because I'm the one who blew up in front of them.
I'm tired of not wanting to come home and I'm tired of feeling unwanted by my parents.
And I want the kids to feel like they can talk to me.
And that's when it hits me.
I don't want to go to California.
I want to go see family. Real family.
Family that accepted me and trusted me, even when they found out the truth about my past.
And I always meant to bring the kids to see them at their houses but it just never happened, because my job always got in the way.
I run my fingers through my hair with my mind made up and walk over to the pilots door to knock on it. The copilot opens the door and I step into the cockpit and shut the door behind me.
"What's up?" The co pilot asks me.
"Is it too late to change plans and go to Chicago instead?"
"No, is that what you want to do?"
"Yeah."
"Alright. Thank you."
They both nod, and I feel the plane turning as I walk back to where my husband and the kids are.
"Is everything okay?" Josh asks.
"Yeah." I sit down and turn my attention back to the window.
My mind drifts back to my family and I sigh to myself.
New York and Connecticut were my thing. I started my business there. Met my husband there. Got married there. Had my kids there.
But now my parents are making it feel like a prison.
My phone starts ringing since I have WiFi calling enabled.
I stare at it for a few seconds.
Mom
Why?
Without a word, I hit the power button twice to decline the call, and then I hold down the power button and swipe to shut it off.
I just don't want to deal with her today.
I can feel Josh watching my every mood. The kids are watching something on the TV, so when I feel Josh nudge me, I'm not surprised.
I look at him and he gives me a gentle smile.
"Are you okay?"
I open my mouth to tell him yes, and then I sigh.
"I don't know." I decide. "I want to unground Bryson."
"Okay." He starts to get up, but I put my hand on his arm.
"I need to do it."
"Okay." He sits back down.
I stand up again and walk over to the kids.
Bryson looks bored.
When I come to a stop in front of him, his eyes drift from the TV to me.
"I'm sorry, I know I'm not supposed to be watching TV-"
"I need to talk to you." I say to him.
"Oh. Um, okay."
He stands up and I lead him from the back of the plane, away from his siblings.
"You're not grounded anymore." I tell him.
"What?" He asks.
"You're not grounded. I overreacted, and I'm sorry. You're not grounded, okay?"
He grins.
"Okay. Thanks Mom."
"You're welcome, now give me a hug."
He wraps his arms around my waist like he used to do when he was younger.
I hug him back and then kiss the top of his head.
He goes back to the couch, obviously in a better mood.
I hesitate for a minute, and then I walk over to where the kids are watching their movie.
"Can you pause that please?" I ask.
Josh seems curious and wanders over. I sit down on the couch across from the kids and Josh sits next to me.
Caiden pauses the movie and all four of them give me their attention.
"Listen guys..." I run my hands along my jeans. "I just want to apologize to you guys. I know...you guys probably think I'm like, the devil and I'm too strict, and I don't mean to be that way. The person that you guys know and that Daddy knows...I wasn't that person, okay? Back when I was younger I made a lot of mistakes and I almost ended up dead because of it. I ran from police and did a number of other things that I will probably never tell you guys about, but I just really don't want any of you to make the same mistakes that I made. I know I can be strict, but you guys can still talk to me, okay? I'm not as evil as you guys think."
"Mom, we don't think you're evil." Caiden says. "We love you."
I muster up a small smile.
"I love you guys too, but there's something else."
They look curious now.
"I know me throwing all of you on a plane out of the blue is weird, but ever since my parents divorce I've been...miserable. My parents kind of take it out on me and I just don't like being around them, and as a result, it's making me feel just...not me. I wasn't always so absent when you guys were little, and I'm sorry if any of you have felt like I've been gone too much, and if you have, I want to know when. And why. Now is your chance to tell me how you actually feel."
They all look a little perplexed, and the boys are all shaking their heads, but Emma starts to pick at her nail polish.
"Emma?" I ask.
"It's nothing Mama."
"What is it?" I ask gently.
She frowns.
"Sometimes, I just...sometimes I feel like you put work before us. I know you love your job and you worked really hard to create it, but...I don't know. It's a huge company, you shouldn't have to run the New York branch. I hate it when you have to work because you don't get home until well after dinner on most days. I'd rather you just let Isabelle run the whole branch, and you only handle the big things. And I hate it when you leave on business trips, especially when you're gone for the entire summer. I hate it when you leave town. Your absence affects the entire house."
"I can't help it with the business trips honey, I just...I can't, okay?"
"I know that, but during the summer, we could come with you. I know you don't want us to go because you want us to be home with our friends, but when Dad has to watch us without you, it's miserable, because he's different without you. The house is different without you. Everything is different without you."
I nod slowly.
"Okay, I'll do what I can, okay?"
"Okay."
Josh has wanted me to give up the New York branch since Caiden was a few months old.
And now with all four kids older, they're understanding that I could give it up if I wanted to, and now they want me to.
"Listen, and I know this might sound wrong, but the New York branch is like the only thing I have that my Mom can't barge into. I love her very much, don't get me wrong, but sometimes she can be-"
"A mouthful?" Caiden asks.
"Yeah."
"So let's move." Emma says.
"What?" I ask.
"Let's move. We can go to another state. A fresh start. We'll keep the house and fly in for the breaks." Matthew says.
It's almost like they have discussed it before.
"But-"
"Mom, you're not happy." Bryson says.
"When we were little you smiled a lot more than you do now. The only person that can get a real smile out of you is Dad, and that's not how it should be. You deserve to be happy. We can restart somewhere else." Caiden says. "You don't have to work to escape. Home can, and should be, an escape."
The thought of leaving makes me sad.
That house is more than just a house to me.
That house started everything. That house restarted my heart.
"I don't know. That's a lot."
"Well, just think about it Mama." Emma shrugs. "That's all."
We sit and talk for a few more minutes and then the kids go back to their movie and I return to my seat. Josh sits with me and I know he's curious as to what brought on my speech to the kids, but honestly, I'm not sure.
Everything in my life feels confusing now, but knowing my kids want to move because of my parents...
That's just not okay to me.
We shouldn't have to be booted out of our house.
It might be time to cut them off.
My Dad hasn't really done anything lately, but he will.
And my Mom? She faked a marriage to force me to reconcile things with Ryan. She was going to force me to endanger my kids by bringing them to Salt Lake.
Does she want us to get harmed?
I run my fingers through my hair, sighing as I watch our location approaching through the window.
The seat belt light comes on and I grab mine, clicking it into place. I hear the kids buckle theirs, and Josh buckles his.
"We're already in California? We've only been on the plane for like, two hours." Josh says.
"We're not going to California." I sigh quietly.
He sighs and leans over to kiss my shoulder.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm just thinking."
"Care to think aloud?"
"Not necessarily."
The two of us fall silent. He must get the message that I'm not up for talking.
I guess I just don't know what to say to him.
I don't even know what to say to myself.