Count The Stars

epilogue

        I sat with my legs criss-crossed on the floor of the boys room in only a pair swim shorts, trying my hardest not to touch one of the dirty pieces of clothing thrown across the carpet. We'd only been at Adam's dad's place for a week and a half, but somehow the room holding all five boys looked like a tornado hit it. Grace was lucky to be staying alone in a guest room.

        With a nervous breath, I took out my mobile and propped it up on the makeshift tripod I'd thrown together a few minutes before. I had promised my therapist I'd make myself a video, but I didn't anticipate how camera shy I would get.

        Before I could psych myself out too much, I pressed the red record button and smiled awkwardly at the camera.

        "Hi," I began with a little wave. "My name is Eli— well, I guess this is a video to myself, isn't it? Your name— no, our name is Eli, and we've been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. I was told to make a list of a few things about me that don't have anything to do with anxiety... so here that is."

        I looked at the smudged writing on my hand which had been done with a sharpie at one o'clock that morning. Adam and I had snuck out to the terrace beside James' room, and we'd stayed up until dawn talking and looking at the stars. Well, I stayed up until dawn. He drifted off quickly, his head in my lap as he pointed out every constellation he could name.

        (I'd practically memorized the sky at this point because of him, but I always let him tell me again.)

        I felt good— great, actually— in that moment, so I wrote some stuff down and decided I'd finally do what my therapist wanted me to do and show myself that I'm more than just my (slightly fucked up, but altogether pretty brilliant) head.

"1. I'm Jewish.
2. I love the colour orange.
3. I'm bisexual, and bloody proud of it.
4. I can almost do a cartwheel. Almost.
5. I play football. I'm good, too.
6. I've got five really good friends, which is more than I ever thought I'd have.
7. I've got a boyfriend, Adam Chang. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him.
8. I'm lactose intolerant.
9. And I'm crazy good at monopoly."

        "There's more, but I don't have time to say it all. The point, I guess, is that I know there's more. I know that I'm more than just an anxiety-ridden seventeen year old struggling to be normal."

        "For a while, it felt like my life revolved around my anxiety. I stopped doing things I loved and hurt people who meant so much to me because I was terrified of what could go wrong. I still am, I guess, I've just learned that I don't need to let it stop me. I might miss a kick, or get rejected, or hurt someone's feelings, but if I never do what I want, my life would be shit. Sometimes, you just have to push the bad out and let the good in, even if it makes you a bit naïve."

        "True!" Adam cheered, his star-covered swim shorts coming on frame and covering most of the camera.

        I felt my cheeks heat up as I pushed him out of the way. He plopped down on the floor beside me with a lopsided grin and wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me in closer. I couldn't help but smile back. "This is a private video, mate," I told him, holding back a laugh.

        "I heard my name. Were you talking about your incredible boyfriend and how he's the kindest, funniest, most handsome guy in the entire universe?"

        "Not exactly."

        He kissed my cheek and stood up. "Well finish telling that to the camera then come down to the pool. They're starting a chicken fight and James on Blake's shoulders is actually a bit intimidating."

        When I was sure I heard him walk downstairs, I turned back to the camera and grinned, letting the blush take over my face.

"Yeah. I'm doing pretty good."

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hey long time no see lol.

so I was going through my drafts because I was BORED because RONA and I found the epilogue I wrote but never posted. I know it's been like 1000 years since this was published but I was like eh why not.

anyway hope you enjoy! :)

~Teddy (but like a lot older now)