Count The Stars

thirty

I knew it was gonna take a lot of courage to tell Grace.

I didn't have the confidence to walk right up to the most cheerful girl in all of England and say, "I kissed my best mate and I think I like him way more than you." Just the thought of watching her blinding smile fall and never return made my stomach twist.

Also, the fact that I even thought about going past the point of calling Adam an insignificant man crush made me want to be sick. I guess it was fitting, since I trusted the guy with my life and the idea of making out with him on the couch in my basement wasn't exactly something I was disgusted by. I fluctuated between tiny crush to head over heels in love with Adam Chang on a daily basis, to the point where it was one of the only things on my mind. It not only complicated my sexuality, but also my relationships. Did I really like Adam, or did I just like the idea of Adam? Did I ever even like Grace? Did I hang around Blake so much because I was in love with him? Was I gay?

Everything I thought I knew suddenly was up in the air. I hate to say it, but there were times when I thought life would be easier without Adam. I imagined never meeting the incredible boy with messy black hair and a lopsided grin. It would make things easier for me in a way, but another boy would come along eventually and make me feel the same things. The same fluttering heart and desire to grab him and feel his warm skin against mine.

But no other guy— or girl, for that matter— was like Adam. At least in my eyes.

I had invited Grace for breakfast at our favourite cafe uptown with the intention of breaking it off there. I spent the entirety of my ride on the tube choosing exactly what I was going to say and playing out every possible outcome in my mind like an episode of a shitty soap opera. I had finished Adams long list of songs a few weeks back and made playlists of all my favourites. I listened to the same few on repeat in an attempt to inflate my ego, but it only made me think of Adam. I decided I needed to get him off my mind— at least until I told Grace. So I unplugged my headphones and listened to the people around me.

Grace got to our booth a few minutes before I did. When I walked in, I saw her re-carving our now faded initials before the smell of tea and cakes took over my senses. The bells on the door jingled and she popped her head up, her excited smile lighting up the cozy cafe. I realised I never told her I'd forgiven her for using Adam's secret against him. I wasn't sure I had, but I decided to table the matter. If I was about to break this girl's heart, I could probably leave out the bit where I'm also pissed at her for another reason. I didn't want to fuel the inevitable fire.

"Hi," she said when I took my seat next to her.

"Hi," I replied.

"What's up?"

"Um," I began, quickly realising that everything I planned to say had suddenly jumbled into alphabet soup in my head and I was left with nothing but a bunch of gibberish.

Am I really stupid enough to forget my own breakup script? I'm such an idiot

"I fucked up," I decided to start with, mostly because it would stop everything going on in my mind, which— as usual— was a lot.

She placed her hand on my thigh, her ebony skin warming me up from the early January cold. Her amber eyes were full of sympathy when she looked up at me, and I felt like I was going to melt, but not in the usual, 'this girl is beautiful I can't believe she fancies me' sort of way. Something was off. Her soft touch was more than uncomfortable. I sort of wanted to squirm out of her grip, but I was too nervous to even blink.

"You can tell me anything, Lij. I'll listen."

"What did you just call me?" It wasn't meant to be snappy, but I could tell it definitely came out that way when she pulled back. She kept her hand firmly on my thigh.

"Um... Lij?"

"Right," I mumbled. The name sounded odd on anyone's lips besides Adam's. I was never 'Lij' before I met him. I shook that thought out of my head and focused back on Grace. "Listen, Grace, I-"

I hesitated.

Why did I hesitate?

"Yes?" She spoke up, her smooth voice softer and calmer than normal, like she was trying to make herself seem more lovable. Faking it or not, it was working.

"Um... I-I-I-" I stuttered out, my already shaky train of thought completely derailing to the point where I felt like I didn't know where I was.  The ever so familiar feeling of panic started to rise up my throat and the sour taste of bile began to fill my mouth. I wondered if she could feel me shake under her grip. "I left my mobile at home. Can I borrow yours for a minute?" I blurted out, all the words stringing together in a tangled up mess.

She blinked. "That's all?"

"Yes," I assured her while vigorously nodding my head. "I fucked up because I left my phone at home and I really need to ring my mum. Oh boy I am such an idiot."

"Ok then..." she said, narrowing her eyes and scanning my body like she was looking for clues. I really hoped that she didn't find anything. After a minute, she slowly handed me her phone and I jumped up out of the booth.

"Cheers!"

<><><>

A day after my disastrous attempt at a breakup, I was just about to tell Adam I ended it with Grace. I figured I'd get the courage to do it soon and he didn't need to know how stuck I felt with her.

We were on speaking terms again, if by speaking terms you mean the occasional "hello" in the hallways. It bugged me how much I wanted to talk to him. Not just ask him how he's been doing, but really talk to him. I wanted to know every single detail about his life since the last time we spoke. I thought I was creepy for thinking that. I mean, leave it to me to fall for my best mate. I really was better at ruining perfect things than creating them.

My mobile rang on the table beside my bed at half one that night as I decided what I'd text him to make it sound casual, but not too casual. It's vibrating against the hardwood snapped me out of my half-asleep trance and I couldn't help but let a giddy smile onto my lips as I answered the call from "Adamn."

"Hey."

"I'm at the pool. Come now." He sounded frantic, quickly pushing the words through his audibly chattering teeth.

My excited smile fell almost as quickly as it came. "What's wrong?"

"Come now," he demanded, ending the call before I could ask anything else.

<><><>

Thirty chapters in hollyyyyy cow! We are way over halfway done and I'm very very excited about it.

Ok so this chapter might seem kinda unimportant but I decided to keep it in so yeah. Also cliffhangers are fun to write :)

Last chapter the tabs got messed up and it's making me angryyyyyy but let's all just ignore it because if I edit a chapter I lose all the comments and I just don't wanna do that.

Thanks for reading! I love seeing all these new readers and I hope everyone is enjoying my story!!

~Teddy