Affliction | ✓

iii | her | 1

winter, 2012

there's a list of his traits that she absolutely loves (and loathes) and sometimes, in the middle of the night, when she's feeling particularly pathetic, she thinks of them.

he has a nose that scrunches up in the cutest way when he smiles, his smile stretches wide and it's rare but when it does bloom across his face, it's one of the most beautiful sights. he has a habit of being mean but when he's sweet, he's oddly thoughtful like the one time she was sneezing, he wrapped a blanket around her body and gave her soup whilst saying absolutely nothing; it confused her, how he could be an inconsiderate jerk one second and the next, a quiet sweetheart? it baffled her how he rejected her outright, like the mere thought of her disgusted him. she really was scum, huh?

"...eat something today?" rosa stood in front of her and even though she wasn't paying attention, she could guess easily enough what her roommate had asked.

"yeah, i grabbed a chicken sandwich from the corner stall, on my way back," she lied, smoothly.

rosa's stern expression softens, "you feelin' better today? up to hang out with the rest of us?"

the thought of being around a bunch of people made her feel nauseous, especially when every time she glanced at the mirror, she had the strongest and deepest urge to stab her skin. "not today." she mumbles, instead and she feels so downright pathetic, she couldn't even muster the energy to hang out with her friends who just meant well.

"babe," rosa paused and she looked like she was considering what words to use, "what happened?" she asked, finally.

"rosa, i'll tell you when i'm ready, okay? please drop it." she tried not to look at rosa's concerned face, she might break down, crying and she knew that rosa could hear in the dead of the night, cries muffled under her blanket, just clutching herself and thinking that she was horrible, a slut, a wimpy, whiny and stupid bitch.

"i'm just looking out for you."

"i know and i absolutely love you for it, i swear, when i'm over this and it'll be soon enough, you're the first person i'll spill my guts to, okay?" she gives rosa the biggest hug she could, wrapping her arms tightly around the only friend who honestly cared, "besides, i'm dandy! you don't have to worry anymore, alright?"

"nobody who says 'dandy' unironically is ever really okay but i'll take your word for it."

she slaps rosa's arm playfully. "don't be a smart ass, hermana."

"ooh, you're really trying to convince me you're alright. using spanish as your secret weapon and all." rosa leans back, smiling slightly at her.

"is it working?" she asks and rosa shakes her head 'no'. "whatever, i see that smile on your face, you love me."

"i'm honestly just happy to see you smile again, baby." rosa pats her head and gets up and maybe, she would've teased rosa for being so unbelievably soft and cheesy but her roomie's words just made her feel warm all over.

she was going to get over him, bit-by-bit. he shouldn't be able to live life with his head held high while her very semblance of balance was shattering, her soul crumbling to dust.

she was going to get better; learn how to love herself again.

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the mirror was her biggest enemy and every time, she stared at her reflection, she wanted to scream and scream. her eyes involuntarily teared up. you're disgusting, honestly. his voice was at the back of her head at all times. she should hate him but she just finds herself thinking how to change herself so he would consider looking at her again.