Makita Kang Muli

five

Awu

      Today, while I was sitting on a bench in the garden and as the wind touched my skin, naalala kita. I miss your smile, the sound of your laugh, the way your sleepy eyes would look at me. And as your memories entered my mind, happy memories turned into sad ones. That night, hindi ko sinabi sa'yo na aalis na ako at babalik na ako ng probinsya. We were just there for one summer, nakitira lang din kami sa tita ko kasi walang-wala kami. And I never told you that. Hindi ko naman talaga planong mapalapit sayo. But the moment I saw you sitting on a bench alone. Blind. Alone. I was hurt kasi how could someone experience that in such a young age? I don't know. Nilapitan kita. And we became friends. Araw-araw pumupunta ako sa inyo, remember? I didn't plan to get attached. At noong tinanong mo 'ko kung pwede ba kitang samahan sa nalalapit mong operasyon, sumagot ako ng oo. I regret saying yes. Kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na babalik na kaming probinsya bago pa mangyari yun. I couldn't stay with you. I couldn't go with you either. Hindi mo alam, hindi sinabi ng parents mo na sa ibang bansa ka mao-operahan at doon na rin titira. But maybe, if I just said goodbye to you, baka mag-iiba lahat ngayon. Natakot lang ako na baka hindi ako makaalis, baka hindi ka makaalis. Natakot ako na baka mas masasaktan tayong dalawa kapag nagpaalam ako sa'yo. But it ended up hurting me the most. Now, I'm writing to you. Asking for forgiveness. And hoping to see you again. And tell you how much I regretted saying yes when you asked me to stay with you and hold your hand no matter what. I'm sorry, Alex.

- elijah

I caught myself crying while reading that letter. I caught myself hurting because of that letter.

Ang bigat. Sobrang bigat.

I just wanna hug him. And tell him that it's okay. Na nangyari na. At kailangan niyang tanggapin. Kailangan niyang patawarin rin ang sarili niya. Regrets. They ruin us. And they just make us sad and emptier. 

Sinara ko ang sulat na binabasa ko. Itinupi ulit mula sa orihinal na pagkakatupi nito. Tyaka ko itinago sa maliit na box kung nasaan ang una niyang mga sulat.

Elijah, I hope he's okay.