Hush

Nous

We wear makeup to fix ourselves
To add to it to it
To cover up
And I sit hear with a broken heart
And though I know it's there
All I can feel is blank and the rapid beating of my own organ in my chest
I am dressed as one would say a slut
Shorts
Fishnet stockings
AC/DC shirt tucked in
And makeup
The makeup is awful
I didn't try
I never try
This is only when I'm bad
When I am
Bad bad bad
It is smudged
The matte red was smeared all over my mouth and cheeks
I scraped at my cheeks with baby wipes to get it off
I remember my sister telling me lotion helped I threw lotion on the wipe
Then I just smeared Lotion on my eyelids
Then I wiped more
The corners of my mouth burn
My eyes are weary and hurt
My eyeshadow pressed on rapidly instantly effortless
I am a mess
But this is what I did
I cried and I kept coughing up words I didn't want
I went to get water
Sat bad down in the dark
Nothing came
Nothing came
I lay down the lights all off
Alone in the dark I lay
I stand up
I strip down to nothing
No wait
Maybe I'll run into the water with all my clothes
No
I strip completely down to my bones
I leave the clothes scattered leading to my path to the shower
I jump in
Then I start the water
It's cold
It hits me
I wait for it to warm
I embrace the cold the pain the sting of the frost
I wash my hair
I condition
I scrape at my body till I decide to stop
Who knows whether I'm really truly clean
I skip the towel
I get out
Soaking
I walk to the middle of the room again
Put on my bra
Put on my underwear
Throw on my AC/DC shirt
Stand on the edge of the tub looking into the bathroom mirror in front of me
just like the grunge photos
I laugh to myself
I put on fishnet stockings
Tangle them get my toes stuck while putting them on
It takes a while
I find shorts
I put them over the t-shirt
I go to my mothers room
I put on music
then there is the makeup
I look at myself
I touch my skin
It feels soft
but it's fake
It's the fake softness of the Barbie dolls I played with
I walk out of the bathroom I ran into
You didn't see that part did you
I've always been a coward
I ran at the dog parking
Hoping my mother wouldn't see me
I don't drink
I don't self harm
I don't sleep around
I get dressed
I shower
I get dressed again
Normal clothes
Like I'm going out
And this happened last time
Except you were here
On the phone
Things are different now.
I think it's time I grab the wipes
scrape this all away
I won't change
I'll lay back in the dark

And we'll see what comes next.
I know it won't be you.