Merry Sister Mary and the One and Only Killer

1: Sister Mary Takes a Naughty Peek

It was September the twenty-ninth, 1972, when I found my boredom too great for a casual bus ride through the countryside. The cruel shaking of the vehicle made it difficult for me to pick my nose in comfort. My excessive fat finger continued to successfully fling itself out of my gaping nostrils. The challenge of removing those pesky boogers was a tough task even without the damn bus bouncing up and down. Every now and again, I latched on to an amazing find deep in the cavernous recesses of my nasal cavity. Oh, the discovery, like some buried treasure encased in oozing green mucus. Just perfect after a little rub between the fingers to launch at the crying baby in the seat 4B. It had been two hours and the baby had continued its incessant yelling. "Choke on my slime, you little tosspot," I would think to myself praying desperately God would guide my effort to its intended goal.

On my lap I made sure to have my Bible opened to a random passage for anyone happening to look my way. Every now and again the couple across the aisle would glance in my direction. Their disgusted yet respectful faces made me feel rather accomplished.

Resting against the bus's window was my opened umbrella, Mr. D. Thomas. He shielded the bright sunlight that penetrated the window. I felt it reasonable to use such caution to protect my frail skin. I am a nun after all. I had to keep up the image of a pale virgin for God. Don't get me wrong though, God is my number one man, except for the moment. Right now my attention was on the young bus assistant. He was certainly sweet on the eyes.

"Pardon me, Sister," said the handsome bus assistant as he stopped at my seat. He pointed to the umbrella at my side. "Some of the passengers feel a little uneasy by your open umbrella. Bad luck, sister, if you believe in such superstitions. May I ask you to close it and put it away?"

I casually looked up from picking my nose into the young man's stoic gaze. My portly cheeks lifted to my beady blue eyes as a large smile formed across my face. "Good heavens," I cried out in happy alarm. "Forgive me, sir, I did not see you there."

"No worries, sister," said the man, "but I will have to ask you to fold your umbrella for the duration of the trip."

I turned to my open umbrella then to my Bible then back at the bus assistant. "The sun," I lied, "was too bright on my scripture book. I could not read God's holy words as the glare hurt my eyes. Would you deny a kind nun her only joy?"

"I would not dare," said the young man pressing his fingers into the seat, "but we have curtains on the windows for that reason."

"Oh, you see," I said regrettably, "I tried earlier but the knot was too tight." I demonstrated by pulling the cord.

"Should I try to loosen them for you?"

"Please do, sir," I said as I shut my umbrella and folded it over my thick lap. The young gentleman reached over and struggled to untie the knot around the window's curtains. Someone had tightened the string one too many times. Pretending to look down at my book, I got exactly what I wanted— a good smell of boy's cologne and a rather good look down his shirt. My eyes widened as I enjoyed the view. Everything had worked perfectly and all it took was a little planning and manipulation.

When I arrived at the station earlier that day my gaze fell instantly on the young assistant. His muscles bulged as he lifted my heavy suitcases into the side storage. Oooo, I nearly melted at the spot. I knew then I wanted to take a naughty peek at what he had to offer, so I thought of a cunning plan to get him close and unaware. Arriving at my seat, I double knotted the string around the curtain assuring it would be difficult to untie. Opening my umbrella and being as obnoxious as possible, all I had to do was wait for my lover boy to arrive with a customer complaint.

"Lord is my witness," I whispered to myself breathing heavy, "I shall see no — I mean speak no evil."

"There you go, Sister," said the handsome assistant, rising up and unfolding the curtains. He appeared confident. "Enjoy the rest of your trip."

"God bless you," I said, waving my thick wrist as the man walked away. "And God bless me." My face clenched up and my lips puckered. His tight butt cheeks bounced with each glorious step. "Oooo! Tempt me not."

The elderly couple from before smiled and turned away mockingly, pleased as can be. I assumed these were the passengers who complained about my open umbrella. Guess they figured they had bested me. Oh, I could not be mad at them. I had manipulated them after all. I gave them a little smirk of appreciation and leaned back in my seat.

As quickly as the fun had started, the fun abruptly ended. With a sigh, I placed my Bible on the empty seat beside me, and boringly peeked past the curtains at the fast moving countryside. The gentle shaking and purring of the engine soon rocked me to sleep.