I Told You I Want to Die

C1

His tears froze on his face that is tainted with sorrow. His lips formed a scowl that has remained for almost a year. His eyes are bloodshot because of all the weeping. His cries are filled with indescribable pain. Cries, desperate to be heard. Several shivers ran down his spine yet he remained stubborn. He preferred to stay in the cold basement than face the reality outside.

Woohyun thought that it's better to be literally alone than to face the destructive loneliness lurking in this spacious but crowded world of ours.

This loneliness had followed him all his life. At eight, his mother left him and his father behind. The day before she left, Woohyun's father discovered that she has cheated on him for the past two years. Woohyun saw how it broke his father's heart into millions of pieces and watched it leave trails around the house. Woohyun cried every night; he felt confused. He wanted nothing but the kind of love that his parents shared. He saw that their love was true. But what happened? Were they just too caught up on their fantasies that they failed to notice the reality? Or was it all an act--a show--that they wanted Woohyun to see and believe?

At 11, Woohyun became an orphan. The heartbreak led to his father's death, two years later. Because of the intense sadness that he experienced, Mr. Nam's mind and heart suffered. He became depressed. He refused to eat and drink. Woohyun even thought that his father didn't sleep because of the noises he often heard at night.

His foster parents that took him also broke up. Woohyun loved them dearly and so he experienced his second heartbreak. His foster mother kept him. Because of the breakup, she became harsh to Woohyun. He was abused physically and emotionally.

"It's your fucking fault that he left, did you know that?" Woohyun's foster mother said as she pulled his hair. "YOU'RE THE FUCKING REASON WHY HE LEFT!"

Woohyun cried under his mother's grip. He continued to scrub the bathroom floor as his mother pulled his hair and shouted curses at him. Woohyun took them all to his heart. His tears flowed like a river. There were times when he wasn't fed and he'd cry all night because of his grumbling stomach. He often thought that he's going to die. Fortunately, his foster father came and took him. Woohyun was glad that he was taken away from hell.

Woohyun lived better after that. He even thought that he wasn't going to hurt anymore. He studied well at his new school and made new friends. Woohyun's foster father was proud of him because he was a kind and loving child. They lived on without experiencing a major problem. All was well for them.

Woohyun grew to be a responsible man. He entered and left his father for college. He did his best in everything that he did. And so, he graduated with flying colors. The curse of his past was forgotten. Until he met Soohyun.

Woohyun hugged his knees tightly against his chest. Although he liked the pain that the cold temperature caused, his body reacted otherwise. His teeth chattered. His body racked with shivers. His lips became blue.

His mind somewhat shut itself down. His heart did the same. It became cold and hard. But her lasting image constantly flashed before his eyes. He chased her in his dreams. Tried to hold her back. Hugged her against his body. Begged for mercy. Remembered her piercing words.

"Let me go, Woohyun. It's time." Soohyun said, her hushed tone so loud in Woohyun's ears.

Inside, Woohyun heard his cries. They were muffled by his eyes that achingly searched Soohyun's for answers. He searched with caution, fearing that she might break. Soohyun created an invisible but indestructible barrier. Her eyes held no emotion at all. She blankly stared back at Woohyun.

Woohyun felt his heart falter as he slowly retracted his hands from her wrists. She immediately turned and walked away. His mind took an image of her walking away. It seared into his mind to be remembered forever.