HOMELESS ✓

23

shauna's diary entry #23

I started this diary as soon as I got kicked out to the rugged and dirty streets, out of my parents house.

and so far it had been boring but ever since I met hoseok ... life seems to be more entertaining?

my routine used to be:
wake up
eat whatever
walk
maybe dance
sleep

now my routine includes:
falling in love with hoseok a little more everyday

he drove me home, seating me in the comfortable passenger seat. he glanced at me occasionally- a slow soft smile creeping up on his lips. I bet he was happy to have found me finally. does he really care about me?

I sat in his car- not having the courage to look back at the boy who has a crush on me. I thought about how good the wind felt with the window open, how the piano music from the radio was soothing to my ears, how I was letting someone care for me and be here for me- help me. i let all my senses take over.

I was overthinking in the car- alone with my thoughts. can I trust him? what is his true personality? what are his secrets? I felt furious because it felt like he was pitiful and I didn't need sympathy from anyone. I even thought about the different ways I could leave him.

I don't want to be a burden.

but all those conflicting thoughts disappeared as soon as I stepped into his apartment.

the sudden warmth that engulfed me as soon as I stepped inside brought tears to my eyes because I hadn't been at a .. home for so long.

the candle burning caught my eye and I wanted to remember what the wax felt against my finger. the canvas that promoted positivity and happiness made me want to stand in front of it and admire it for hours. the fluffy carpet made me want to take off my hole covered socks and remember what it feels like for my feet to feel comfort, not rock pavements or uncomfortable shoes.

I stood in the middle of his living room and tucked my hair behind my ear as hoseok approached me. the door shut behind him and he stood in front of me with a sheepish smile- shy due to my presence.

he crossed his arms over his chest and I could tell he didn't know what to say to me. it was strange to see hoseok struggle with his words.

he settled with. "do you want to take a shower?" and he looked so nervous that it made me smile.

"I'll get you some clothes- bare with me, I'll find you a towel." he rushed away leaving me in the room- the two of us with blushed cheeks.

the shower I had that day was one of the best moments of my life.

and I know normally people associate their best moments in life with their kids, their family, their friends .. like a memory of their first child walking, their friend surprising them, falling in love or having your first pet.

but standing under the shower, feeling hot water falling onto my face, my damaged hair and my entire body- made me close my eyes in immense relief.

water.

that's all it was. yet it brought me so much warmth and joy in that one moment.

because I was being washed again, after so long. I was being cleansed and it felt good to watch the water run out of my hands, onto the floor and to see the soap form bubbles and foam in my rugged hands, to see droplets of water on my thighs and for my bruises, cuts and other scars to be felt against the hot water was very relieving.

in that moment, water was something I learnt to be thankful for.