Vice

3: Breakup Healing

The days following Natara's breakup and graduation fly by. 

For some reason, she thought she'd be moping in bed, bundled in a cocoon of blankets rethinking the past over and over and over again. She thought it would feel like an eternity.

Instead, Macey was pulling out all of the stops to keep her distracted. She'd instructed their mother to buy two tubs of mint chocolate ice cream, three bags of bacon cheesy fries, and an extra large marble "Happy Graduation" cake. She'd also searched far and wide for drama reviews online and concocted a huge list of "Dramas To Watch" that the two of them had never seen before - everything from "Devil Beside You" to "Love O2O" to "Absolute Boyfriend."

It did wonders to take her mind away from her rapidly approaching adulthood and everything that happened with James. There was anxiety in her chest and wounds in her heart that only binge watching Asian dramas and eating tubs of bacon cheesy fries could heal.

After some loose mint chocolate chip ice cream-eating introspection, Natara isn't actually sure if she ever quite loved James. Sure, his rejection stung. He'd also cheated on her - chosen someone else who was probably better in every way - and kept it behind her back for who knew how long. That also hurt. A lot. But their breakup actually didn't hurt as much as she thought it would.

And they were different people. James was confident and talkative. He was more like Macey than he was like Natara, and it was for that reason that he'd been able to coax Natara out of her introvertive shell. James also knew exactly what he wanted to do in life. He knew what college he wanted to go to, what internships he was striving for, and he'd earned a nice scholarship. 

Maybe they were just too different. Wasn't it natural for James to someday want someone more like himself? Someone prettier, more sociable, and more successful? He would do well with someone who accentuated him - who improved him - not with someone who held him back. Natara was too shy to go to parties, too nervous to hang out with his large groups of friends, and frequently turned down coming over to study in front of his talkative parents.

But what could Natara do? If she met another introvert, they'd probably both be too shy to ever speak to each other.

In a man, she wasn't sure what she needed. She wasn't sure what she wanted, either. James was there, he was nice, she felt happy around him, and he liked her. But maybe there was supposed to be more than that. 

After the fifth day of ignoring reality, Natara's dad passes by and gives her the look. The one that means she needs to get off of the couch and make progress with something. The look that tells her he's leading up to asking the, "What are you doing with your life?" question again very soon.

Too soon, because she has no idea yet. Nothing is any more clear to her than it was on graduation day. Even the ten slices of marble cake hadn't given her any answers. 

She spends the next day and a half browsing the Internet looking at jobs for high school graduates. That doesn't help much, either, because there aren't many of them. Even fast food work and cashiering list that they require "experience." 

How is she supposed to get her first job doing anything if they all require her to have had a job before? How do people do this? And everything else requires college, which is even more unachievable!

"Why is this so hard?!" She shakes her head, raising a cheesy fry to her mouth. Before she can eat it, it gets snatched from her fingertips and she looks up to see Macey looking down curiously at her computer.

"You have no idea what to do, do you?!" Macey gasps, as if she's figured it all out. Natara shoots her a stink eye that warns her to keep quiet about it to mom and dad. Macey chuckles nervously. "They're already asking me about what you're going to do, you know. You can't avoid it for much longer," Macey warns.

"Can you buy me a bit more time? I'll owe you one if you do." Natara begs, holding up the rest of her cheesy fries as an offering. Macey picks another one up, plops it in her mouth, and pretends to chew introspectively. 

"I suppose I could do that, since you are my beloved sister." She wheels around and grabs Natara's favorite stuffed animal off of the dresser behind them. It's an old falling apart dog that Natara has hung on to since babyhood. It's been there since the beginning for her and always brought her a little extra comfort. Macey hands it to her and Natara squeezes it, petting the ragged fluff on its forehead.

"How did you get your life so figured out, Macey?" Natara's words come mixed with a frustrated exhale. Everyone around her makes it look so easy, but how is it so easy? What's the big secret that everyone else knows and Natara doesn't? Unfortunately, Macey just shakes her head. She was a natural at giving fake surgeries and health checkups even when she was a toddler. "What am I good at?"

"You're pretty good at being stubborn," Macey laughs, "and you could almost be an Olympic cheese fry eater." 

Natara rolls her eyes. What does stubbornness have to do with anything? Especially when she's too shy to ever face or stand up to anyone enough to actually be stubborn to them. It's a useless quality for someone as anxious as her, except when it comes to picking the next show to watch or song to listen to. And it will never land her a job. 

Macey frowns at the eye roll and continues, "I think if you tried to be a bit more social and emotional with people that would help a lot. And you're nice, and you're good at doing things people ask you to. That's got to be worth something."

Natara's shoulders slump. "I'm not sure that's worth anything."