In a World They Forgot

Letters That I Threw Away

"Moon Child?" Mikito opened the door and I pushed past her, sobbing like I'd never done before.

She pulled me towards her and cradled me in the same way my mother would have done had she been able to. I sobbed into her red sweater and tried to forget Greg's words but they were spinning around my head like a ride at a carnival. Mikito muttered comforting Japanese words to me and stroked my hair. I pulled away and, silently sobbing, made my way to my old sanctuary. My anime styled bedroom where nothing could ever hurt me, all my childhood heroes around to protect me. There was a photo from my mom's birthday on my dresser, resting against an old Sailor Moon figure. It was me with Greg and Nick during the dinner, the three of us raising our glasses together. I sobbed harder and threw it across the room, not caring when the glass smashed on impact with the crimson red wall.

"Baka!" I screamed at the broken frame. I fell on my bad and let my anger and sorrow out on my pillow, beating it until the feathers popped out of the end and floated to the floor.

I couldn't understand how Greg could say something like that even if we were arguing and saying things we didn't mean.

Mikito came in and placed some herbal tea on my table and hugged me once more. She knew that if I wanted to talk about it I'd go to her and that it would be best to leave me to myself for now. I looked around my room, the dusty old Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts games, neatly stacked in order on my corner unit. The Sailor Scouts that sat upon my dresser next to the music box I got from my grandmother. I got up and lifted the lid, sobbing harder when White Cliffs of Dover began to play. I moved over to the drawing of Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask, it was yellow with the passing decade but the image was still there. I fingered the soft pencil outlines and the tears continued to fall. When I was sixteen, I would have given anything for a love like theirs, and now, I wanted more to go back to that age, when I wouldn't be hurt by the pain of heartbreak.

Nothing could change it. It was all so clear where Greg and I stood now.

A thousand miles apart with nothing in between.

Life goes on and we were over.

I couldn't sleep. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get thoughts of Greg out of my head and all that did was made me sob harder. He was in my mind all the time, no matter what I was doing. My room was filled with stuff that could remind me of him, and even burying myself under the bed sheets didn't work either, it just brought back memories of us fooling around in his apartment--the apartment I referred to as 'home'. I'd lost everything in one night; Greg, my home, my dignity and my confidence. Everything I cherished close to me was gone, yet ghostlike memories of them all filled the room I'd not seen for years.

Flashes of old confidence.

Spectres of an old home.

Whispers of faded dignity.

Glimpses of Greg in everything.

Greg was everywhere.

I didn't want him to be. Not anymore. It hurt me too much to imagine him and I just wanted to be able to get some sleep before the next shift without having to cry in my dreams of how we used to be. I never realised until this very moment, just how much Greg had meant and still meant to me and just how much I needed him. Funny how you never realise things like that until the person is gone.

There was a humble rapping on the old oak door that led to my room. I argued with my conscience about whether or not to open it. Eventually the CSI inside of me won and curiosity got the better of me, causing me to move to my feet and drag my depressed form across the room, the brass handle cool against my hot skin. I was greeted by a blur of bright blue and had to blink my puffy, tear filled eyes into focus. The blur of blue were a bunch of blue roses, blue roses were--

"Your favourite." Greg's voice sounded ashamed as he held the bouquet out to me.

Any form of sound caught in my throat and words lost all sense of meaning in my mind. I didn't move one inch, my eyes still attached to the flowers. They were not easy to find in Las Vegas or even anywhere else and when you did find them they weren't cheap. A bouquet this size must have cost him a fortune...but it still didn't change what he said or what happened, which then prompted me to shut the door on him and sink to the carpeted floor of my room, resting my head against the bottom of the wood. I heard Greg sigh and felt his weight pressing back from the hallway. I lifted my head and waited to see what he would do next.

"Miks, I know what I said before hurt you and it hurt me to realise that I'd caused that pain. I never meant it, I was just so wound up that it came out. I would never think of you in that way and I consider myself more than lucky to have you in my life. I love you Miks. I love you more than life itself, no matter how cheesy that may sound." He paused in the offing that I may choose this moment to speak. "I was scared this morning Miks. I was scared that I might have lost you; I still am scared of that. Just the thought of being without you almost killed me inside. The real reason that I took off at you today was that I finally realised how much you mean to me and I've never felt so strongly about someone in my whole life. I was scared. New feelings, new urges...I didn't know how to deal with it, so I used Hodges as a sorry excuse to try and see if you felt the same. I don't know why, my head was just a mess of emotion. It was pathetic, childish and stupid. Three words that sum me up the majority of the time. I don't expect you to forgive me and for things to be alright, like a fairytale, but I wanted to come here to prove to you that I know I'm an idiot, damn, I'm the biggest fool of all for what happened this morning, but I'm sorry about I said. I know you'll probably want nothing to do with me, want to pretend we never happened but I want you to know that you'll never be anything like Hodges said. You're beautiful Miks and you’re the most amazing person that I’ve ever met and I'm going to sit out here for as long as it takes for me to completely apologise to you." He stopped again and I was having an argument between my heart and mind as to whether or not to answer him yet.

The silence remained; words unable to come to me. I curled my feet under me and looked at the wood, as if I could see through it into Greg's dark, tearing eyes.

"Remember the night you were with me, fell asleep by my side,

Strangers together, your hand in mine.

How come we never came closer when all the stars were aligned?

I thought we had a moment--" His voice was off-key and shaky.

I smiled sadly to myself as I realised why he was singing it. It was the first song we slow danced to. After I'd been shot, the night out with the Goo Goo Dolls concert I'd driven out to desert with him; we looked at the stars and danced to this song. It was a night both of us brought in conversation as often as we could; it was a night we never wanted to forget.

"I dream of dreaming dreams of her, in twilight she’s a constant blur

The picture is clear and I’m still fact she’s fiction." I sang back, my voice raspy and dry from all my tears.

I jumped up and yanked the door open, Greg tumbling backwards onto the red carpet as I made my decision. He scrambled to his feet and held the roses out to me again. This time I took them throwing them onto my bed before flinging my arms around his neck and hugging him close. His arms closed around my tired frame and pulled me nearer. I cried my final tears into his crumpled shirt and buried my head in his shoulder. He ran his fingers through my knotted hair and breathed his relief down on me.

"I'm sorry Greg. You were right, I should have told you."

"No Miks. You don't need to apologise. It's me who owes you every apology in the world." He whispered.

"No you don't." I told him with a sincere smile.

"Yes I--" I stopped the argument with my lips, firmly against his.

It was different than any kiss I'd ever shared with him before. It was filled with love, passion and desire. It was slow and sincere, letting us both know what words couldn't describe. We were both breathless when we pulled away and I smiled up at him. He rested his forehead against mine, his breath teasing my lips.

"I don't want anything like this to happen again. I don't want to lose you ever Miks." He whispered to me.

"I'm not going anywhere Greg." I smiled, hugging him close again.