These Tears I Cry Are Not For YOU

Prescription Drugs

1:34 A.M Chapter 2 Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Today was one of those long as days. Those days I just wish someone was here to comfort me when I was loosing my mind, when I was about to slip back into my old habits. Those time where trying to be strong wasn't going to do anything but make the situation at hand even harder.

Staring at that orange bottle with the white top that read Topirimate 50 mg. I Hadn't done it in forever but damn I was tempted. I was sitting at the edge of my king sized bed with the tv turned all the way down with the images of the tv flashing in the room. My tears started flowing then I remembered why I started taking them in the first fucking place. I had a serious issue with migraine headaches that took away from my daily life. I was stressed out all the damned time. The constant headaches were disabling me to do my job, anywhere from three to four times a week.

That's money I'm not making but spending on doctors visits and medication. To top it all off the medication didn't work so more medication then apparently my issue was minor migraines and as they uped the dosage my days were getting better.

At first I wasn't aware that the medication was making me high until Tobias pointed it out & told me, " Yo Ass Geeked As Hell " he's a person that smokes weed on the daily so yeah he would know. Which I hated so much. That day I didn't pay much attention to it cause I was to busy laughing my ass off.

But soon it became a daily thing and instead of continuing to laugh I would get mad. Because I was hooked on Prescription Pain Killers. I hated it. But it felt soo good. So I went cold turkey. And I was miserable. I couldn't sleep, I was paranoid, I was seeing shit, & I couldn't count. My Overly Educated With A PhD In Sociology & Psychology Ass couldn't count. It took me five attempts to count $331 and get it right. Shit was hell.

After 3-4 months afterwards I Was Fine. I Was Back On My Shit, working with clients helping people, & helping them solve their problems on a daily. I'm a mental therapist for people with suicidal thoughts. I'm also a family & marriage counselor.

I know your probably thinking how in the hell could you help someone rethink taking their own life when you do it yourself?

Well put it this way. You know when your parents say I work this hard because I don't want to see y'all go through what I went through with as a child. I don't want you to have to worry about going to work trying to contribute to the house whole payments. I want you to go out and have fun as a child because I never did.

That's how I feel about it. I feel like it if I'm struggling I want to do all I can to keep the next person in the same situation from continuing to fall into these patterns of bad habits & come out of it better than I did. And considering that I do know how it feels I can see it. I feel it in your tone. I can sense it in the way you go about your logics of life. You may think it's hard to deal with. But of course it is when you've never been in a similar situation or if when they say certain phrases or words it doesn't hit that cold place deep down in your chest.

You really wouldn't understand.

I slid off the bed & just stood there awhile. I let my silk pajamas straighten out by themselves. I walked over & picked up the bottle. I pushed down on the bottle and twisted it opened it and took out 3 pills. I threw my neck back and slung them towards the back of my throat but they never made it there.

I looked up and saw Tobias looking down at me with an angry expression on his face. I pushed him away from me because I was angry. All I had was 1 left & that wasn't gone do shit. & I wasn't about to get down on my knees and look for them and he knew I wasn't.

"Why'd you do that!?"

"Don't fucking touch me!"

"Answer my fucking question! Why the fuck did you do it??"