The Fourth Fall (Sequel to Boy In My Class) Gerard Way

Chapter 19: Finale Pt. I

"If you just told me what was wrong then I could help!" I shouted with exasperation. "I'm running around taking care of Immy 24/7 and you're not helping, but you refuse to tell me why!"

Having a baby can put a strain on even the strongest of relationships. It had to be true, because here we were, Gerard and I, fighting like a pair of emotional teenagers caught up in some ridiculous romantic drama. We never fought- even when we were breaking up and on the verge of a divorce, even when I caught him sucking rum out of another woman's mouth- Gerard and I had never argued, not in a screaming-at-each-other kind of way. For that reason, I was completely horrified by the way things were going right now.

"Izzy why don't you just FUCK OFF!" he screamed. I stopped what I was saying, I even stopped what I was thinking as total shock took over me. Gerard had never once raised his voice to me, let alone swore at me. As soon as the words slipped out of his mouth, I saw sorrow spread across his face and he ran up close to me, wrapping his arms around me and kissing the top of my head almost forcefully.

"I didn't mean that," he said in a rushed tone. "I honestly didn't mean it, I'm such an asshole, please don't listen to me..."

I pushed him away and swallowed to try and get rid of the lump in my throat that had formed just after I had heard him scream at me.

"I know you didn't," I said, with complete honesty. "But why won't you let me in, G? We don't keep secrets from each other- that's not how our relationship works, it never has! But I feel like I don't even know you anymore. For the past two weeks you've been lying in bed, ignoring Immy's crying, and now you're shouting at me? I know you Gerard, I know when something is wrong and you won't tell me. It's killing me inside."

"Baby how can I tell you?" he said, sitting down and covering his face with his hands, his wedding band shining against the ceiling light in our living room. "When I tell you, you will break down."

"Tell me, you're scaring me," I said. My heart was thumping so hard in my chest that it was making me feel physically sick. What could possibly be wrong? Had he cheated on me? Was the stress of having a baby too much, and he was thinking of leaving? Was it the headaches...?

"I have-" he began, but the sound of Immy screaming cut through the tense atmosphere in the room and caused him to stop talking. He stood up and left the room. I followed him quietly to our bedroom door and peered through the gap in the door. He was cradling Immy in his arms, gently rocking her and shushing her until her cries ceased. She was looking up at him with her wide eyes so intently. I wondered if she was aware, at such a young age, just how amazing her father was. Watching him hold her made me feel weak- it stirred up so much emotion in my body that it was indescribable. After a while, he placed her back in her crib and turned to leave the room, when he saw me stood watching through the gap in the door. He sighed and sadness emanated from his eyes, reminding me that something was wrong and creating the same painful thumping sensation in my chest that I had experienced just a few moments ago. He opened the door, took my hand and gently pulled me to the bed, where he sat me down. He entwined his fingers with mine and then raised my hand so that he could kiss each one of my fingers. I watched him silently, knowing that he was going to break my heart at any moment with his words.

"I love you," he said, but he was practically whispering, potentially to prevent waking up Immy, or potentially because it sounded like he was going to cry, and speaking quietly allowed him to keep it inside. "I love you with all of my heart, and if it's possible to love you anymore than that, then I do. I believe that there is not a single person in the world who loves anybody more than I love you Isabel. You have...you are...you..."

He began to stutter and I could tell that he wanted to cry. I squeezed his hand and kissed his forehead to reassure him.

"I know," I replied. "I've always known. Please Gerard, tell me what's happening."

He looked up at me and I knew in that moment that something terrible was going to be revealed to me.

"I have cancer," he said. "I have a brain tumor."

I let go of his hand. I stood up, and I walked out of the room. My entire body felt as if it was robotic, as if I had no control over what to do next. Thinking back, I should have held him so tightly and comforted him, but this was my natural response- I wasn't thinking at all. I walked around the living room, back and forth, trying to process the information, but it wasn't going through. I walked out of the front door and around the house, into our back garden. I quickly found Gerard's cigarettes on the garden wall and lit one as quickly as possible. I hadn't smoked in a long time, and boy was it ironic to be smoking when my husband had just told me that he has cancer, but I didn't fucking care- I still wasn't thinking. I smoked it so fucking quickly that it felt like it was over in seconds. I smoked another. And another. Soon enough the pack was empty so I decided to go to the store to buy more. I turned around and bumped straight into Gerard's chest. He grabbed me on either side with a strong grip and stared deeply into my eyes, as if he were telepathically telling me not to move. He then cupped my face with his hands with the same strong grip and leant down to kiss me. The kiss was so hard that I could barely breathe, but it meant something. It had love in it- and that can't possibly be described with words.

"I love you," he repeated. "Do you understand?"

"What are we going to do-" I began, but he cut me off.

"Do... you... understand?" he asked again firmly. I looked up at him and thought for a moment. I did understand. I nodded, and then I began to cry, and by cry I mean I cried a fucking flood. I'm actually surprised the whole of fucking New Jersey wasn't flooded with the amount of tears that came out of my  eyes. I slipped to the ground and cried so unbelievably loud that it was haunting, and I swear it actually echoed through the air. Frank came rushing out of his back garden and looked over the garden wall at Gerard. Gerard nodded at him, and Frank nodded back. Frankie clearly already knew, and Gerard was silently informing him that I was indeed reacting to the news. Frank went back inside. Gerard sat down on the floor beside me and held me once more. From the corner of my eye I could see somebody in our bedroom through the window, and when I turned to look, I could see Frank had let himself into our house and was taking Immy from our bedroom.

"Immy-" I began, but he cut me off again.

"Frank and Jamia are gonna take her for tonight," he said quietly. "Tonight is about you and I."

I stayed in the garden for hours, sat on the ground, unable to move. The sun began to set and Gerard brought out a blanket that he wrapped around the both of us. I could feel his warmth against mine underneath the blanket. Our garden was long and narrow, and at the end of the garden there were overgrown bushes and trees, like a tiny little jungle. Above that, we could see the sun setting and the sky was a mixture of orange, blue and pink, all merging together and coated with bright white clouds. It was beautiful, but it felt like it was the last beautiful thing I would ever see, and I was all of a sudden very aware of how fragile life was, and how quickly time seemed to pass. It scared me to death. We didn't speak for hours, we just sat in the garden, watching the sun go down, holding hands tightly. After the sky was completely dark and the stars were appearing one by one, I finally spoke.

"I love you too."