Delirium (Phan AU/Currently Rewriting)

Chapter 7

Trigger warning: Bullying physically and verbally

Dans POV
...
The bell has rung.
That's my signal.

I look over at Phil, backed turned while he gathered his books. The time slot for escape is slowly closing and I have to make the decision, whether to leave Phil or wait for him to be done. If I leave with Phil will they be less likely to attack? And what if they decide to hurt him too? I sure as hell don't want Phil to follow me if it means putting his safety in danger. I just couldn't live with myself if I ever caused him harm.

Maybe I can get away?
Can I outrun them?

Impossible. Two of them are track stars and the rest have ten times the muscle I do. No fighting back. No escape. The only way to ovoid this was to hide.

I rush to the doorway with my things in hand, turning one last time to look at Phil. He looks so peaceful in his own little world as he gathers his book bag. He can't follow me. He can never see the horrible things they do. He would just look at me like they all did. Broke. Emo. Gay.
So I scurry out the door, not looking back.

I think about just hiding in the library but- to my horror- they are already waiting outside. I just walk to my locker, hoping they would give up if I didn't talk.

"Oi, Howell!" Josh, a member of David's gang, says as he closes in like a predator stalking prey. I keep a steady pace and a blank stare. He isn't there. Nothing is wrong. Get to the locker.

"Oi, Howell! You need a hearing aid? I said Oi, Howell!" Josh booms, pushing me into a wall of metal. I turn to see my locker and I quickly open it (these days I don't keep a lock on my locker for quick getaway circumstances such as this) to shove everything inside before swiftly shutting the door. I begin walking forward again like a well oiled machine. Students just move aside, some stopping to whisper and stare, as I am stalked down the hallways. This wasn't a new occurrence. David and his posse would find someone they didn't like and no one would speak. For a school praised for their 'No bullying policy', they weren't doing so hot.

"Get him!"

I start to run for a place to hide, somewhere, anywhere. But I only make it so far, being tackled against a locker. I hadn't realized I was crying until I felt tears run down my face. They pull me up and a scarf is shoved in my mouth, something they have been doing ever since a teacher almost heard my screams.

"Maybe if you ran more, you could have gotten away," I hear one spit, kicking me. I just give up and embrace the pain, because I know it won't stop until I can see stars.
...
The minutes passing seem to all blur together. I remember reaching their ideal spot for punishment, a hidden area shielded from any classrooms. I remember being shoved into a locker. Now I am here, my vision slowly returning from the blow I took to the head and my hearing quickly following. For a second it sounds like the ocean with my ears still trying to grab at the sounds around me. It is almost peaceful. And then I am returned to reality the next second.

I strain to hear voices and find a familiar one. David, the leader of the gang, talking to someone with their head down at the end of the hall. It's hard to tell who when every move I make to turn my head shoots lightning bolts of pain down my neck and to my back. As the two draw closer the blobs in my vision take shape. A tall boy, dark hair contrasting his paper white skin... It feels like a blow is given to my chest, this time not by one of the gang members. This was Phil, my Phil. What the hell had he ever done? They cannot justify hurting Phil for no reason.
Then again, were they ever fair?

David pushes Phil into the locker and he gasps with pain. I wiggle my body with force, trying to find the strength to fight back. Dark thoughts, murderous thoughts find their way into my head. I want to strangle David. I have never wanted to hurt someone so badly.
I know I never could with my body in this state.

Phil's body appears limp and I wonder if he is conscious. They would stop if he wasn't conscious right? Probably not. Compulsive tears find their way down my face. He doesn't even know I am right there next to him.

"Two emos. Twice the fun," David sneers, and they close in.

Finally Phil looks at me. His eyes are full with horror and every part of my wants to take him in my arms and tell him that this will be okay, that we will be okay. But I can't lie to him.
What are we going to do?
...
I wake up, panting heavily as if I had risen from a nightmare. I look around to see Phil's body in a crumpled heap on the ground. I must have blacked out again. The beating only lasted a few minutes, though it felt like an eternity of pain.

I hear a groan and see Phil struggle to sit forward. He looks over his hands and arms to see them bruised here and there like painful kisses to his skin. Phil finally looks at me and his eyes are filled with sadness and... Is that anger? Eyes that once held sparkle now hold nothing but darkness and resent.
I wonder what he thinks of me. He probably thinks I'm a weak gay boy and now hates me because I got him into this mess. I am the only reason they would hurt him.

I have fresh tears falling and Phil starts to come closer. I roughly scoot away on my palms despite my body's screams telling me to stay still. Phil stops with a look of hurt and frowns.

"Don't touch me," I say roughly through clenched teeth, "Don't touch me. Everything I touch breaks."

He lets a tear fall down his cheek and again scoots closer, wincing at the pain. This time I don't move. He looks down at me and I feel so vulnerable, like a wounded animal. When he pulls me into an embrace, I completely loose it, sobbing into his chest and shaking like a rattle. Phil draws circles onto my back, telling me to breath, that they are gone and it is okay.

"Gone Phil? Gone for today! What about tomorrow Phil!" I practically yelled at him. I instantly regret my tone, seeing Phil start to whimper. I wrap my arms around him again as an apology.

"Phil...Phil I did this to you," I cry into his shoulder.

"Don't you dare say that Dan," Phil said. He patted my back like a mother burping a child and I felt safe in that moment.

"But I did! They saw us talking to each other and mow they think you're a worthless emo kid like me. I could have done something. I could have warned you and I didn't. I could have protected you! I did nothing. Nothing," I breath shakily. I need to save Phil. I need to find a way out of this.

"Dan, you couldn't have warned me. You did nothing to bring this on me. I can't stop them from hurting me, but I sure as hell will stop them from hurting you. Why didn't you tell me they hurt you Danny?" Phil whispers the last part, sniffling and wiping my face of tears with his thumb.

"Because, then you would see me like they see me. I am just some loser."
And you deserve better than me. I am weak and alone. You could do so much better.

"Oh Dan," Phil coos, lifting me up by the arms, "We are best friends, I could never see you like that."

Friends. The word feels so foreign, it feels wrong when being used between us.
But I can't think like that. It is wrong and I know it. Phil doesn't even see me like that. I don't see him like that.
Do I?
...