Delirium (Phan AU/Currently Rewriting)

Chapter 17

Phil's POV
...
Morning light like this reminds me of childhood. When I was a baby my mother would swaddle me in fabrics and we would sit together on the big rocker facing the sun. I was only young, but I can still remember the nice sensation of the sun on my cheeks. At least I have these memories of when my mother was happy.

I rustle under the weight of Dan's body as I wake up. It brings butterflies to my stomach to see our bodies pressed so intimately close. It was only an accident yet it feels like our legs are reunited puzzle pieces.

When I look up I am met with an angelic Dan basking in the glow of warm sunlight.

"Good Morning Sleeping Beauty," I smile at the beautiful boy in front of me. Dan gives a smile back, though I can see it is filled with false comfort.

"You okay Dan?" I ask worriedly. Dan's body stiffs when I move to adjust his fringe gap.

"Yeah...yeah I'm fine. Morning Phil," he replies. I can read him like a book by now and I know he is conscious of our tangled legs. I have surely mess things up now.

His fingers venture dangerously close to my face, and a chill is sent down my spine. My breathing becomes rapid as he leans in ever so slightly. It feels like magic, his deep hazel eyes like a storybook spell.

Then he freezes.

I thought this would be my lucky break, but soon the spell is broken and his fingers retract. It seems like this fairy tale doesn't have a happy ending.
He avoids my gaze as he twiddles with his thumbs.

Anger boils my blood, but the feelings of sorrow and disappointment seem to overcome it. My mind is clouded over and I can't think straight anymore. I want to keep him close but with the damage he has done it might be time to find someone else.

"I think I should go... um, and thanks for saving me. I probably would be dead if it weren't for you." He sputters as he turns beet red and scratches the back of his neck.

"Anytime." I say in a bittersweet tone.

We awkwardly untangle and he leaves the couch, giving me one more enchanting stare before departing.

He reminds me of hardwood flooring. It's glossy like his eyes, and cold like his heart.
...
After Dan leaves it begins to pour.

'How appropriate' I think bluntly. I make my way up the stairs feeling nothing at all. I slam the door to my room and let myself fall onto the bed like a piece of lumber.

My whole body feels numb. My face, my limbs, everything. I didn't know I was crying until I saw my soaked pillowcase.

Soon, my sadness is transformed into something new. A powerful Anger. I am a volcano ready to explode, pent up rage ready to escape through my words and my fists.

I decide to take it out on the wall, punching it until my knuckles split clean open.

Why does he make me feel this way?

I tug on my hair and release a muffled scream into my pillow.

He doesn't love me.

I tell myself I don't need him but my heart is keeping up the fight, telling me that I still do.
...
Hours later and I've stopped shaking and crying. I'm sitting on my bed with silent tears dripping down my face, staring at the wall. I can't feel anything. I need to feel something.

I jump off my bed and sprint towards the front door. My heart is racing, but I can feel the stinging cold rain and I crave more. I don't know where my feet will take me as I run faster than the speed of sound. For the first time today, I smile. I can feel it. I can feel the rain wash over me and all of my pain. And I know the answer.

I do love him.
...
A/N
I didn't think it would take me this long but I finally updated. Sorry it's pretty shit. I feel like my writing is just getting worse tbh.
Until next time babes <3
*wraps you in a warm blanket*