Being left behind is one thing, at least then you can catch up to the people ahead of you, but having someone just abandon you is something else. This time you don't have anyone to catch up to, to go back to, no one but yourself, just wondering around this place, having people stare you down. Feeling as if you're unwanted in this world, almost as if I was just another mistake that shouldn't be here.
I've had to live with that for most of my life, abandoned and alone without anyone to catch up to or make me feel like I belonged, unable to feel what others felt, yet why did I put on such an act? Why didn't I show everyone the real me? Why couldn't I just be normal? If only there was a happy pill that could change my life entirely..
Now I've been flipped around. I've abandoned everyone to find my own happiness. One I can easily slide down my throat. Pulling me into a different world. One that I can manipulate in almost any way possible. There's times where it feels like the happiest place in the world, and other times where it feels like a complete and utter chaos.
There's no telling what exactly is going on in my mind..
Yet..
Why is it that I have this weird feeling.. one that I've been having for quite a while.. it's like I've forgotten something.. did I forget something?
I've been to caught up in my world of happiness and chaos that I've forgotten about my previous life. Why am I like this? It's as if I don't care about others anymore. I have empathy.. I can sympathize what others feel.. then why do I feel like I'm under control. There's constant voices speaking to me.. telling me how much I've screwed up.
You can never fix this.. you're the one to blame
I've left you behind. We're both alone now. I should have brought you with me. We were meant to go together. I'm all alone, only having the voices in my head to accompany me on my journey. You're all alone, only having the depression, which is making you sink down into a low place..
It's all your fault
I've lost you, now and forever. I'm also losing myself to a sick drug that I can't stop taking. My mind is going insane. All these colors are too bright and vivid for my eyes.. they're almost blinding me, making it impossible to see myself anymore. The sounds of airplanes soar above me. I'm in chaos, I want this to end..
Its all your fault. You're the one to blame for this. Get that through your head already.
It's all my fault I'm even in this place. It's all my fault you're gone. I should've paid more attention. I wasn't to leave you alone. I was supposed to bring you along on this painstaking journey.. maybe then I wouldn't be in this chaotic world anymore. Instead we could both be in happiness and tranquility. I've done messed that up for both of us, but am I the one to blame entirely for this..? Not exactly..
It was also her fault.
How can I blame her though. She was only trying to do what she thought was best, what she thought would benefit both of us.. It didn't.. I don't know who she is, where she's been at or even if she is still alive.. I was as alone then as I am right now. I'll never be able to feel or be loved by someone..
My vision is growing hazier every step I take.. my weight being pulled down by gravity.. I can finally hear something else for once.. and that's the river below me, cars passing me as if I was nothing.. which is what I am, just nothing...
I still love you mama..
