Lots of people feel regret at some point in there life. Some more then others, but having to feel regret for the crime that I've committed isn't something some people should ever have to feel regretful for. I've never thought as myself being that type of person. I never thought that I'd ever end up as that type of person.
I guess anything can happen. Anyone can just lose it... right? It's nature, it's part of life, but how far can some go? Have I gone to far? Clearly I have, if I'm having to constantly be on the run.
Both of us kind of have to, it's almost our only way of surviving... but what if there was another way out of this. Maybe instead of executing someone's life we could've just ran away from our problems before hand, but now we have even more problems to deal with.
I couldn't help it, I lost it. I tried to control myself, but I was tiredd of the constant drinking, yelling and abuse he did to us, to me and my poor sister. I could've tried stopping him, pulling him away from you, but something in me told me this wasn't going to end anything. So I took matters into my own hands.
Should I have done what i did..? no. Was it the only choice we had..? no. I could've of done something else. We could've just ran away together from the start, but would that had help? Probably, but there wasn't that choice since I've already did what I've done.
Instead we had to run away after wards. Having to fend for ourselves with the little cash we had. It could've been worst, yeah living in the streets while having to constantly run sounds bad but at least we didn't have to sell ourselves off to be promised a better life.
I wouldn't want that for us, I wouldn't want that for her.
You would've thought that after being caught I would've learned a lesson. Step after step, crime after crime it all didn't matter anymore, at least to me I felt free.. I didn't have anything to worry about.. at least until I was dealt with my punishment. The sudden realization of why I was running.. it was because of that sinful act. The one that labeled me as a monster in her eyes.
I tried to call you hyung, but you never answered.. so I lost hope and gave up..
Please don't blame yourself hyung. It wasn't your fault.. I'm the one to blame.. I'm the only one that should be feeling this pain and guilt.. I'm the sinner.
No matter how many times I tell myself I love and wish to stay with you guys. I can't bring myself to stop thinking about what I had done. I'm a monster to the only family I have left. You guys wouldn't have known since I never told you. I've always hid it from you guys, pretending like nothing was bothering me.
Only one of you knew what was going on, but you didn't truly understand how I felt. The pain and guilt was eating me alive and I had to end in some way or form.
I was afraid of heights, I always was, but yet none of you choose to stop me. It was that one special spot on the dock by the ocean where we hung out. That's where I decided to finish off the last of my memories by climbing up that abandoned scaffolding.
Maybe you thought that I was just doing it to conquer my fears, or you just didn't care about what was about to happen to me. Whatever it was you didn't bother stopping me.
My decisions.. This was the stigma that made me stand out, the one that completely changed my life..
I'm sorry my sister~
