"Inner Peace"
Inner peace
So difficult
With random thoughts of violence
Welling up inside my brain
Causing me headaches
And hurting my head
Tears fill my eyes
Frustration
Prostration
Hands quaking
Hands shaking
Hands scrunching
Making it into a claw
Om mani padme hum
Azarath metrion zinthos
None of those chants work
To quell
That fiend from hell
That rage inside of me
This is why I sleep so much
Because my brain gets exhausted
Fighting and fighting
Again and again
Psychologically damaging
So frustrating
I cannot sleep
I cannot stay awake
I am the villain
I am the bad man
The one who never criticizes
The one who keeps as calm
Who expresses his views and
Then fades into the background
Like Charles Townsend
With his angels
Mea culpa
Ecce homo
So much potential
It is hard to get kinetic
Overcritical
I can never do anything right
I am better when I do not try
I cannot multi-focus or multi-task
That is how my mind works
One thing at a time
One time at a thing
Simply start walking and
Never look back
That is how you avoid the tree
In front of you
Nails pierce my mind
Drill inside my head
Deeper and deeper
Harder and harder
Inside my head
Random thoughts of violence
So much to frustrate me
So much to irritate me
Inner peace would be
So much easier to achieve
If there were fewer people
Self absorbed
To deal with on a daily basis
Social anxiety disorder
I never learned how to play
Well with others
How to interact with others
I learned how to avoid people
To stay hidden
Always in the background
Never seen
Never heard
Never asking for help
Because I can deal with it myself
I am not a people person
I do not know how to be
I do not know how to open up
To others
I let them leap first and then
I jump on in
Otherwise, how will I know
If I am welcome to join in
On their fun
I never went to a sleepover until I was grown
And no one ever slept over with me
I learnt the art of avoidance
I talk to myself
Because myself is the only
Person that I can be fully
Open with
Yet even I am judgmental
Of myself
Awkward
Antisocialite
I want to be social
Expressive outside the written word
But I do not know how
He knows, but only alcohol brings him out
I keep from drinking a lot so as not
To bring him out completely
But that does not always work
The beast within
The rage inside
I quell it through expression
It slowly dies, but not completely
It just goes away to lick its wounds
So as to attack again another day
My defenses are weakening through
Continued assault upon my senses
Even he is judgmental of me
I am not the one that I see in the mirror
That is just the flesh that is my container
My residual self image is entirely different
I am Ed Norton
But in my mind I am Brad Pitt
So it goes...
I am running out of words for now
The calm is overcoming me
My mind is fluffier now
Calmer
Peaceful
Until another day
And another time.
Finis and all that jazz singer.
