Marcel

38

After my little heart to heart with Ms. Rhonda, she sent me upstairs with a couple of cookies. She figured I needed a little comfort food and some rest after I had told her that I only got about two and a half hours of sleep last night. She also told me that I basically looked like shit, but in a polite way. If there even is a polite way to tell someone that they look like shit. 

I savor every taste of the warm chocolate chip cookies and pull my laptop out of my book bag. I can't allow this situation with Marcel and I to stop me from continuing my life. I have to get things done. Such as find a job, register for classes at Towson University, and start my life like I would have without Marcel. No matter how crushing all of this is, I can't let a boy stop me from succeeding in life. Registering for my classes will distract me from thinking about Marcel anyway. 

I need to start looking for a job because I'm beginning to run out of the money that my father had left me when he passed away. That's the only reason I've been able to afford my car and all of the other things I've needed to survive the past couple of years. I want to earn my own money so I don't feel this guilt when I spend the money he left. I don't know why I feel that way though. Maybe it's because of the reason it was left to me. I'd have a much easier time spending it if he was alive to witness the things I've spent it on. 

I'm in the middle of filling out my college application form online when my phone vibrates beside me. I expected it to be Jessie asking where I was, considering we were supposed to meet up after school, but when I look at the flashing text on my screen, my heart leaps at Marcel's name. 

Marcel:
Sorry for what happened in class today.

How the fuck do I even respond to that? It's not like I can say that it's okay because it isn't. I didn't want this to be what he said when he finally decided to message me after tonight. What I was hoping for was him apologizing, telling me that last night was a mistake and that he wants me to come back and fix things. It's only been almost a day and I already miss everything about this kid. I miss how he pushes strands of my hair out of my face, I miss him ducking his head down to place a kiss to my lips. I just want him to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay and that we'll work this out. 

I don't respond to his text because I can't think of what to say. If I respond, I'll end up breaking and telling him that I love him so much and that I want to be with him and only him. I can't be weak anymore. I have to stand my ground because I know I wasn't wrong for getting upset about the incident last night. 

"Hey," I turn my head towards the door when Jessie comes in and drops her bag to the floor. "where were you?" She asks and Louis follows in behind her. Oh.

"I um, I couldn't stay there today. I just wasn't feeling all that well." I shrug my shoulders and keep my attention focused on Jessie and Louis. "Would you like me to give you guys some privacy?" I ask, closing my laptop and sliding it back into my bag.

"Um," Jessie looks over her shoulder at Louis then back at me. "maybe just for an hour or so? If you don't mind?" I can tell she feels bad, probably feeling like she's kicking me out of her room but I offered and I'd want my privacy with my boyfriend, too. If I had one.

"It's your room, Jess." I chuckle and slide off of the bed. "I'm probably gonna go to the library anyway. I have to fix my algebra grade within the next two weeks so I'm just going to study or something." I shrug before slipping my converse on and slinging my book bag over my shoulder. As I'm walking to the door, she grabs my arm and gives me a reassuring smile.

"I'll text you when Louis leaves." She whispers and I nod before exiting her bedroom, leaving the two of them to do their thing. 

I walk to the kitchen before my departure and grab a napkin to put two more cookies on. Jessie's mom's cookies are the fucking best. I'm so glad she made them in my time of need. 

The library is nearly empty so it was easy for me to find a good spot to study at. This is so foreign to me. I don't study. I don't even know the first thing about studying. How am I supposed to study algebra if I don't even fucking know how to do it? 

I let out an aggravated sigh and sit quietly with my arms crossed over my chest. So much for fixing my grade. D is still passing anyway so I don't even know why I'm pressed about it. 

Instead of studying, I decide that I'll apply to jobs online. I'm grateful to be the only person sitting in this section of the library. I constantly feel like I get judgmental stares when in reality, no one gives a shit about what I'm doing. I guess that's just part of being an insecure person.

"Riley?" 

My heart stops at the sound of that beautiful, thick accent. Oh, the shivers I get hearing my name fall past those pink, plump lips. I look up and I'm greeted with those unforgettable irises. He looks a little shocked to see me here and I feel frozen. What do I say? 

I'm surprised when he sets the stack of books he's holding down on the table and slides in the seat across from me. 

"You never texted me back." He mutters, looking down at his book when he opens it. 

I finally find my voice. "I didn't know what to say." I tell him as quiet as possible, watching his eyes scan over the pages of his history book. He gives me a gentle nod but doesn't look up at me. 

"I didn't know that you were one to come to the library." His eyes now meet mine and I'm stuck, unable to look away. Fuck, why does he do this to me?

"Well," I start, averting my eyes back to the screen of my laptop. "Jessie and Louis wanted some alone time so I figured I'd come to the library and study."

"You're staying with Jessie now?" He wasted no fucking time asking that. I nod. For a second I think he's going to tell me that I can come back to his house, but he doesn't. That's when I realize how pathetic I am for hoping and wishing for something that will not come. 

Minutes pass in silence until I find the courage to speak.

"Why are you sitting with me Marcel?"

He looks up at me and takes his snap back off to push his curls back then puts it back on. 

"I can't sit with you?" He asks with curious eyes.

"I didn't say you couldn't. I just don't understand why you are." Of course he can sit with me.

"Riley, I don't hate you." He mumbles.

"And you shouldn't. I didn't do anything for you to hate me. You don't understand why I acted the way that I did, and that's a problem." I close my laptop and he closes his book after.

"You pushed me to this point. You don't let me have friends and I don't want to spend my life being friends with only one person. I love you and I love that we're friends, but it's not healthy." He sits back in the chair and folds his arms.

"You're missing the point here." I tell him. "I never said you couldn't have friends. It just didn't make sense to me that you felt like hanging out with a girl you just met. What is it that doesn't make sense to you?"

"I'm not doing this, Riley. I'm not about to sit here and fight with you. I'll always love you, but maybe we just need time apart." He stacks his books like he is ready to leave.

"Time apart? Marcel, I did nothing wrong. I love you and I want to make this work." So, I broke. 

He stands up and grabs his books. "And I love you, Riley. But right now we need to focus on ourselves." He begins to walk past me but stops right beside me and looks down. "I really do love you so much. Don't ever think that I don't." His voice is soft and he shocks me by leaning down and placing a kiss to my cheek.

I have no time to react before he fixes his posture and walks off, leaving me alone in this cold, quiet library.