All Over Again

Chapter 9

Ever feel alone? I mean, completely and utterly, alone? Like when you absolutely need someone to talk to and they're not there . . . or even when they are, but you're simply not talking. Well, I'm a strong person, so I can push those feelings aside. Only when I'm awake though, at night my thoughts eat me alive. Thoughts about me . . .

It's cold and it's dark . . . and it's silent.

"Why would he ever like you?" a voice resonated through the dark. A pause was evident even though there was a small voice still repeating the words.

"You're not pretty, you're not really smart either. The only thing you're good for is taking pictures." the voice echoed matter-of-fact -ly. "Face it, your best friend, is using you. How does it feel?"

"No he's not." I muttered - more for my sake.

Eerie laughter surrounded me and I covered my ears to ignore it.

"Leave me alone!" I exclaimed.

"You're useless." lips brushed by my ear, but there was nothing to hit when I swung my arm back. "You're nothing." fingers ran over my spine, making me shiver. "You're disposable." a light flickered on.

"Leave me alo-" I couldn't finish my sentence as I looked up to the light. Standing there, in the circle that flickered to taunt me, is dusty blond hair.

A smirk played over the pink lips, "I can't." I laughed and then the light went out above me. I sat in the dark for a minute and then the light flickered back on, but I wasn't there.

I woke up in a panic, sitting up quickly, trying to steady my broken breathing. Tears slid onto my cheeks as I closed my eyes and bit my lip. I quickly turned to Austin, who laid calmly under disturbed sheets. I barely regained my breathing, but when I did, I stayed sitting with my knees pressed against my chest. I laughed and brushed a loose hair off of his forehead like I always do, I bit my lip again - I have to know the truth.

"Austin?" I pushed my finger tips lightly into his arm. "Austin, please?" tears still running down my face. I can control my breathing and the shaking that occasionally took over, but I can't control my tears. I gave up after that. He's not going to wake up, so I leaned my forehead against my knees.

"What's up?" a tired voice scared a gasp out of me. "Hi." he laughed a little and I slid down so I was laying next to him.

"We are friends right?" I asked and he suddenly seemed more alert.

"Of course, why would you even ask that?" I rolled onto my back and tried to ignore him. How am I supposed to explain it? 'Oh, well, I had this dream where I was convincing myself that you're just using me and she was pretty convincing.' No! Like what the hell? "Julianne." he moved his hand to my cheek and forced me to look at him. Before he could say anything, he stopped himself and took his hand back. We were both completely silent for a minute and then he moved his hand back to my face, wiping away the streams that continued to flow down my cheeks. "Why are you crying?" he whispered quietly.  When I didn't answer he rolled over to the night stand and flipped back, lighting up his phone. 

"No." I mumbled, hiding my face against his chest. 

"Talk to me Jules, please?" he whispered into my hair. I stared at his chest as he continued to beg me for answers. 

"It's just -" I cut myself off. I had a good story that I could've told him, but when I looked up, he was looking down and our eyes met. Immediately I forgot everything I was going to say, damn his hazel eyes. "I don't know." I muttered quietly and looked back down at his chest. 

For another exceedingly long moment, we didn't talk and I hope he is just going back to sleep. I should know better though, he moved and slid down so he had to look up at me. I didn't want to look at him though, for the fear of saying something stupid or that will give away my feelings. His eyes have a way of just forcing words from me, they always have. He sighed and leaned his forehead against my shoulder, I could see him now, even though I'm not looking at his face. His eyes fluttering closed, his lips parted the slightest bit and then closing as he opens his eyes slowly. Next, he lifted his head up like he always does when he's annoyed or exasperated or mad. He moved back up, his head sinking into the deep pillow as he stared at me. Once again, in order to avoid his pleading eyes, I looked away from him. 

This wasn't normal though. If this was normal argument between us, he would leave me alone. He would turn onto his other side and we would sleep off our anger and in the morning we would hug and talk it out. No, this isn't a normal fight, because this time he moved his hand under my chin and made me look at him. He kept his hand under my chin, his thumb pressed below my lower lip. My eyes wandered wherever they could without looking into his eyes, I was distracted from my plan though when he leaned his forehead against mine. My eyes immediately shot up to his, only to see them already fixed on mine. I was thrown off guard when his lips were lightly pressed against mine, but still my eyes closed. 

"Please, talk to me." he begged again. 

I watched him for a few seconds and then I looked away, "Well, now we kinda need to." he laughed, making me laugh with him. 

"Maybe... But hey, if we already have to talk..." he smiled and moved closer again. 

I rolled onto my side, facing the wall instead of Austin, I rolled my eyes, but I did smile when he kissed my shoulder. "You're such a guy." 

"Duh." he laughed. 

"Pft... Stupid." I peeked over my shoulder. 

"Who are you calling stupid?" 

"It's not obvious?" I said and he started to tickle me. "Austin! Stop!" I whispered. 

"Kiss me." he smiled, stopping the tickling for now. 

"No." I said playfully with a smile. He automatically started to tickle me again. "Okay, okay." I squealed. I leaned up and kissed his cheek, he looked down at me and rose an eyebrow. "What? You told me to kiss you, you didn't say where." he laughed and wrapped an arm around my stomach, and pulled me in closer to him. 

"So, are you okay now?" he asked, his lips brushing against the top of my ear. 

"Yeah. Now I am." I smiled and turned to face him. His hand stayed in place on my waist and I put my hands on his chest. "Hey, promise me that whatever happens, we're still best friends." I held out my pinkie finger. 

He smiled and intertwined his pinkie with mine, "I promise as long as you promise." 

"I promise too."