After dinner, I helped Mrs. Mendes with the dishes. That was the least I could do.
''Malliah, honey.'' She breaks the silence. ''I know it can be a little too much to be back again all of a sudden, and everything... But if you need anything or anyone to talk to, we'll just be a couple of blocks away. And our door is always open.'' She pats my back as she leaned over to get the plate.
''Thanks Mrs. Mendes'' I smiled. She made me feel so warm and at home in her presence, but at the same time all I could think of was how I was making someone else uncomfortable in his own home.
As soon as the dishes were washed and everything was cleaned up, I thanked Karen again for having me over. I glanced at the clock and it was already 10 pm. Dad's probably wondering where I was, so I left my number for Aaliyah and said goodbye to her.
''Wait Malliah, it's dark outside. I'm not gonna let you go alone.'' She sounded worried. But I didn't get what she was referring to, cause there was no way I was calling my dad to pick me up at the Mendes' house. After his reaction when I told him that I 'bumped' into Shawn, there was no way I was going to tell him that I had dinner at his place.
''Shawn! Get down here'' She shouts.
''Oh no no no, it's okay Mrs. Mendes. I'll be fine.''
''Honey, I won't let anything happen to you. It's too late to be walking alone on the streets now.'' She placed her hand on my shoulder. ''Shawn!'' She repeats.
''It's fine. Mrs. Mendes, I'll be okay''. I almost begged her not to call on him again, but he was already headed down the stairs.
''Yeah mom.'' He walks towards us.
''Can you walk Malliah to her door?'' She asked him.
I wanted to pinch myself when she asked, not knowing what he'd think like he couldn't be less bothered.
''Yeah of course.'' He said as my eyes widen by his surprisingly calm answer.
''Thank you, Mrs. Mendes, but-''
''No buts, see you again very soon honey'', she pulls me into a very long hug.
Shawn hasn't said a word since we left the house, so I took the chance and apologized for bothering him.
''I'm sorry for dragging you outside. I told your mom-''
''No, it's okay.'' He silently responded.
The silence continued, while the two of us walked one meter apart from each other.
''So..'' I paused, rethinking if it was the right time to ask him. But I guess it wasn't.
''How've you been? Anything interesting these past seven years?'' I let out a laugh at how ridiculous it was that we haven't had a real conversation in seven years. This was the first normal question I've asked him ever since I stepped out of that school bus the first day.
At first, he looked at me like he was about to smile, and he wasn't very good at holding that back. ''Everything's been good, I guess.'' He managed to keep a still face. ''You?''
So I started ranting to avoid the silence between us. But unexpectedly I went too far.
''Well... I don't know. The first three years in Louisiana were hard, not having someone to talk to besides my parents. And when I finally got a few ones, all my attention was on them. And that's when the teenage girl inside me kicked in. Every second day, I'd eat out with my friends when my mom had made food for me. I'd avoid her calls just to spend more time with my so-called friends. I gave all my attention away to the wrong people who used me for things. People who I realized made me feel worthless and stupid... But then everything changed when I turned 15. I felt even more stupid and worthless. Every little fight and hard work I had put on my mom. Every dinner I had missed, every call I've avoided, and every second I've wasted on someone else. All of that came back and hit me hard right through the chest when she passed away. At first, it didn't sink in for a while. It took me a quite while to realize that I wasn't stuck in this fucking never-ending nightmare and that it was all real, and probably my fault as well. I didn't even get the chance to tell her that I love her.'' I burst out non-stop, almost forgetting that he was walking beside me but I felt the need to breathe and that's when I looked up and turned to him. We both stopped walking as I took a deep breath and used my hands to cover my teary eyes. ''Fuck... I'm sorry, Shawn.'' I cover my head by the embarrassment.
To be honest, I was overwhelmed with embarrassment when I came to my consciousness again. Embarrassed by how much I've bothered him tonight.
''Hey, hey it's okay, Malliah.'' He uncovered my face, and sat me down by the nearest bench, just outside of my house. ''Don't be so harsh on yourself.'' He tried to calm me down. ''Your mom loved you, oh believe me - she did. And trust me, I believe you had your teenage stage and all, but that's not always what your mom saw in you. She only talked about the good things you did. Even the smallest of things like telling her how great she was and how much you loved her would make up for the bad things you did. She never blamed you for anything. So don't ever blame yourself for what you honestly didn't do.'' He looked at me with concerned eyes.
It was unbelievable at first, but I deeply appreciated his words. And for the first time, the silence was warmingly comforting me. He knew I needed a moment and he gave it to me. A moment that lasted for an hour on that bench.
''I'm sorry for my outburst, I didn't expect myself to go that deep''. I wiped my tears and managed to let out a little grin at how embarrassing it was.
''Don't worry about it.'' He smiled.
While we sat there for a while, I realized I had so many questions. And whilst the opportunity was open, I couldn't be that selfish.
*Or so I thought*
''You know... I never got any of your letters''. I faced him, trying to change the subject to something less depressing. ''Shawn... I never knew this, and I'm so sorry I never got back to you. If I've known, I-''
''Well, we're past that now aren't we? It doesn't matter anymore. I don't even know what to say, Malliah. It's been 7 years. A lot has changed. I was just 10 years old.''
''Well, it matters to me! Yeah, you were 10, but you were also 11, 12, 13 and 14. Aaliyah told me. You kept writing. And that only 3 years ago, Shawn. You can't be that different now.''
''Listen, a lot has changed.'' His tone of voice drastically changed. ''We are not the same anymore. I don't think you get it. I'm not your friend Malliah.''
Those words totally ruined my night. I thought we were good. I thought he cared for a second, but I guess I was wrong.
''Malliah!'' I heard dads voice from the window.
''I can't walk you to the door, Malliah. I'm sorry. I truly am.'' He slightly shook his head and looked at me like he really meant it.
''Can we not do this, Shawn? I don't like the constant bad tension between us.'' I literally felt worthless for begging him.
''Malliah!'', dad called on me again.
''I'm coming dad!'' I shout back but turn to face Shawn before I ran to my house.
''I'm not the person you want me to be-.''
''Okay.'' I breathed. ''I got it... Get home safe.'' I cut it short and turned my back on him.
