Talking To My Soul

Eating no longer needed continued

Life can be difficult but little did I know it was about to get much worse. Mums eating was now becoming a real problem , no matter how much we tried to eat the less she would. It was so sad to watch we all began to fear the worst possible outcome.
My nana dream was still in my mind for some reason I could not leave it the way it seemed to end . So I decided to have another go and ask my sister to check my mums chest of draws In particularly the bottom draw at the right hand side. I was convinced something of importance would be found. I could not believe I had that dream from my nan for nothing. I think in the end my sister was so fed up of me asking she said she would look. Then that night my sister phoned me and told me she had found a brown envelope and within the envelope were photos and the very first one was of a lake full of swans which was followed by a photograph my mum had been searching for it was of my mum and her mother . This photo had been lost for years but somehow my dream had told me where to look. I had no doubt that this was a message from my nan and hopefully be the lift my mum needed. My sister took them to show my mum and our hopes were lifted that it may trigger an upturn in my mums spirits. Yet it would prove not to be and at that point I knew my mother had given up. It was so hard watching her starve herself .
Bad news was never far away and like the other bugs she had caught she then caught something much worse . C dif they told us an infectious condition which is difficult to treat . Can only be treated with antibiotics which caused her to have bowl problems. The weight fell off her worse than before, now she was very sick and her memory began to wander. She did not know where she was or why even thinking she had been to France and America. She was forgetting our names and even accused her husband of cheating on her with two women who he brought to the hospital. Even though one of the women was her sister. At times of darkness it brought a smile to our faces.
I decided it was time to make my peace with my mum I felt her time with us was very short. In the time her mind was stable I told her how I felt and if it was her choice to go and I would not stop her. I asked her if she felt the pull for my nan was stronger than the people she would leave behind. She looked me in the eyes and told me they were then she gulped so to stop her tears. I told her I loved her and thanked her for being my mum. I knew for certain that she had enough of all her pain and now she was taking control of how she wanted it to end.
My mum hung in there for a while it appeared she still had something to do. In all the time she had been in the hospital she kept saying she wanted to go home . My mother was now bedridden unable to even go to the toilet by herself and was now very weak and resembling a skeleton. It's was horrible to see her waste away . Yet through it all she had kept her belief that my nan and granddad were with her even pointing to where they were sat in the room. The doctors then had a meeting and decided they want to send her  home to see if she may eat at home. Great news but it was a double edged sword because we as a family knew it would be her last chance of life. She arrived home and the house was soon adapted for her by social services at first all seemed well . On my first visit my wife and I took my children to see my mum. She had not seen them for a while because it was decided not to risk them while my mum still had c dif . Our visit went really well my mum was really tuned in her mind was spot on . Towards the end of our visit she became a little confused but I just put that down to being tired. Her husband did tell us that she still had not eaten and how he was struggling with changing her bed as her bowls were still not right . That was however the best she ever got as the problems had returned . The next day my sister phoned to tell my my mum had collapsed and cut her hand and was rushed to hospital. Soon after sent back home to recover. My sister then phoned to say I needed to go to the hospital because my mum had a fit. She was really worried . We all rushed to the hospital once she was ready to see us. More test were done and the news was the worst news we could of expected my mum main heart artery was not working so every time she stood up her blood pressure would go down because it was not being pumped up her body. Now it was only a matter of time yet still she kept going. None of us knew what it was she was waiting for  yet sometimes I could hear her say " I'm not ready yet it not time"  my daughter came one day and asked her if she wanted to be read something or listen to something . My mum told her her favourite song was pennies from heaven by Bing Crosby . My daughter told me so I searched on YouTube and found it . The smile on my mums face was so special she asked how did I know . I reminded her of my daughters visit. My mum was now letting family members know that she was going to die. Even told my wife to stop crying over her everyone as to die. My mum was still there despite how she was fading away . She told me she just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up and that life had no meaning for her now and asked if I understand. I guess I was the only that could answer that for her. I told yes I do . Then she told me when summer is over your granddad will come for me.
The night before my mum died I caught her looking at the clock . It was strange because it was like she was waiting for something. I asked her why she kept looking at the clock she told me your granddad is coming and pointed at where he was now sitting at the side of her bed. I recalled what she said but for some odd reason didn't think he was here to take her. As mum said he had visited her many times while she had been ill. She was in pain and she kept falling asleep. My wife and I said our goodbyes and told her we would see her tomorrow.
That night while listening to the weather man he reported that summer was over my wife and I looked at each other in disbelief. The following morning I was really sick pains all over my body . I did not know because the day before I was fine . My sister had planned for and old friend of my mum to visit her so I was not planning to go early to the hospital. Then the phone rang my sister was in tears telling me the hospital had rung her and mum health had taken a turn for the worse . She was pleading with me to get to the hospital because my mum did not have long left. My wife and I while making my way to the hospital we got stuck at every red light. Yet on one light stop I got a cold electrical feeling down my shoulders and down my back I knew at that time my mum had gone. I turned to my wife and told her we are to late she as gone. Eventually we arrived at the hospital to be told by the nurse she had passed. I entered the room to see members of my close family around my mums bed. My Auntie was furious because the nurses had not shown mum much dignity and just left her with no teeth in or even closed her mouth or eyes. My Auntie has done a good job but the house coat belt around her head was an odd sight . Bet my mum would of been laughing at what her sister had done . We sat with her for a while and talked about mum life. It came out that she had died alone but I told them of granddad and I know in mums mind she was not alone.
So that's it my mum is now on the other side of life yet life goes on for us until the day we meet again. My mum was a strong woman and she strengthened my faith in what life is all about . Even in death can we find the reason for life I will never forget how my mother pushed herself in this life I'm sure at the age of nineteen she would of taken seventy five . I am proud to have been part of her and it pushes me forward in life with the things I still have to do.