Untaken Chances (Currently undergoing a Re-Write)

The Letter

    When I had come to I found myself in a hospital bed with wires stuck in my arms. How I had gotten there, I couldn't remember. I heard a soft voice speaking to me and looked over to see the girl with the antifreeze eyed girl from the dorm talking to me

           "What?" I had said. She had looked at me with glistening tears in her eyes.

          "I said my name's Emily. The girl you were looking for, she was like my best friend. And I know who you are. Your hat fell off when you fainted." The girl, Emily, had said with a light laugh handing me my hat. The only thing I could think about was the fact that it was real. The love of my life was gone. She had died and I never knew about it. I recieved no phone call. Nothing. My heart had felt like it was stepped on multiple times and thrown to the sharks. That explained why she took no money from Harry- she knew she wouldn't even be alive long enought to put it to any use.

          "How did she die?" I had asked so quickly that Emily looked shocked. It took a moment for her to compose herself before she answered.

         "She was sick. She had gotten what she thought was the flu a few months back. She had brushed it off like it was nothing. It wasn't bad at first, just a cough and sneezing. Then it got worse. She couldn't get out of bed, she couldn't go to classes. She was admitted to this hospital, but the doctors didn't know what was wrong with her. That was the worst part. Not knowing what she was dying of or how long she had left, but knowing she wouldn't be here much longer and that you couldn't stop it. Anyway, the day she died, she gave me a letter. It was addressed to you. She knew you would eventually come to see her." Emily handed me the letter, her fingers lingering on the folded envelope. She looked as bad as I felt. I could tell she was affected by her- everyone that came in contact with her was. There was no one like her. She left pieces of herself lingering with you even when she miles away. Emily rose, and slowly left the room. The envelope was a light cream color with my name on it in the beautiful chocolate eye'd girls hand writing. I opened the envelope. Pictures and clipping spilled out. All the pictures were of us and the clippings all included our names. I opened the folded paper and began to read it, tear already stinging the back of my eyes.

         Dear Niall,

          Do you remember the day we met? In that pizza shop? I remember how I could feel you staring at me, and how I wished you would never stop. I remember how you just sat there when Harry got up and talked to me and asked me out. I remembering wishing it was you. Why wasn't it you? I still don't know. I remember how you always  held me during a hug- as if I was some precious piece of art. As if I was so delicate that I was on the verge of breaking. I remember always wishing I could stay in your arms forever and never let you go. How I would kiss you on the cheek and wish I could kiss your lips. The longer I was with Harry, the more I realised it was to be closer to you. I knew if I ended it with him, I would never be near you. It had been the closest I could be to the man I loved. I felt awful when I realised that. I married someone because he was best friends with the one I acutally wanted. How shitty am I?

         Remember the car crash back in August? Did Harry ever tell you what really happened? I was in the middle of telling him I  wanted a divorce. I guess it hadn't been the best way to do it. He got distracted and wasn't paying attention. He ran a red light. I didn't even get to finish the sentence before the moving ruck hit me. I guess I should've waited until we got home. Yeah, I think so.

        I remember hearing your voice telling me you loved me in the hospital. I still hear the words ringing over and over in my ears. It filled me with so much joy. God, I don't think I had ever been as happy as I was in that exact moment. I was contemplating waking up- but I wanted to hear what you had to say. My heart clung to every single word. How pathetic am I? The night  the porch was one I don't think I'm ever going to forget. How you we're telling me you didn't have a chance, when in reality all I could think was that it was always you. Always you that could make me laugh. Make me smile. Make me happy and mad at the same time. It was you. It will always be you. I wish you took the chance that first night. I wish you were the one that asked me out. I wish it was you. Why wasn't it you? I remember at mine and Harry's wedding when you made your speech. You said how Harry had finally found his beacon. I couldn't breathe. I literally felt all of the air leave my body. My heart was racing so hard I thought you could hear. My thoughts were so loud I was afraid they would come pouring out of my mouth. Over and over I kept thinking 'But you're my beacon' You are. I'm not home unless you're with. I'm alone when you're gone. I was so close to jumping up and ending the marriage that had begun only hours earlier. I've never felt so blind or stupid. How did I not know you felt the same? I'm such an idiot. I'm sorry. I guess we're both stupid. I'm sorry I kissed you before I left. It didn't help anything- but I don't regret it. I've wanted to kiss you forever. I'm glad I did it. I hope you are, too.

          When you read this, I will already be gone, and you would have come too late. I will be in a better place, I know you would be happy about that. A place with no pain. Always know, I love you, and you will always be the one for me. Even if it was too late. Why was it too late?

     I had cried. I had screamed. I had felt like I died inside. I never knew how she felt. I never knew. Why didn't I know? Some how, I wondered if Harry did. Knew she didn't really love him that way. Knew I was the one and not him. All I could think about was the fact that I would never see her smile again. The smile that lights up the room. Never see those beautiful chocolate eyes, the ones full of laughs, unasked questions and untold answers. I would never be able to hold her in my arms. Feel her soft lips press against my cheek. I would never truly know what it was like to kiss her. To kiss her with everything I had. To know what it was like to wake up every morning with her lying beside me. I would never know what it was like to tell her I loved her and to hear her say it back. I would never know, that was the worst of it all. I would never again be able to see the girl that seemed to always light up my world, even on it's darkest days. That's what hurt the most. I will never have my beacon.

     As soon as I could, I had left the hospital, went to a flower shop, got a dozen red tulips and went to her grave. I had gently placed the tulips on the soft newly arranged soil. They were her favorite flower- that's something I will never forget. I had sat there for hours. Talking to her. Laughing at some memories, crying at others. I ended every memory with I love you. She needed to know it. She always needed to know it. When it started to get dark I had stood up and began to leave, but before I was gone I had pulled out a notepad and pen from my bacl pocket and wrote a quick note and placed it under a small rock by her tombstone so it wouldn't fly away.

              After that I had left and tried to forget her. But, how do you forget someone that was once your everything? I'm not sure. I didn't think it was possible. I didn't think it would ever be possible. I had called the boys that night. I had called everyone that night. I told them I was sorry, but I couldn't be there without her. Nothing made sense without her. Nothing ever would. I had thrown my cellphone in a dumpster down the street from the hotel room I wa in. I had cut myself off from the world. I didn't eat or sleep. I did nothing but wait till I wasted away. As bad as it sounds- I did. I didn't even have the energy to end myself in ways that most do. I didn't want people to find me like that. I couldn't. So I layed in bed for weeks on end. I waited for my body to give. I knew it would happen soon- considering you acually need food and water to live. I knew I would eventually no longer see the clock spinning on the wall. I would eventually stop hearing the television's annoying static. I would eventually just- stop. And, I did. I remember the bright light as my eyes fluttered closed. I remember hearing her voice calling to me. I remembered smiling. I hadn't smiled a real smile like that in what seemed like forever. I remember finally seeing her face, her choclate brown eyes staring into mine. I remember feeling her hand take mine as she pulled me closer. I remember knowing everything would be okay, and it was. It always would be, as long as she was with me, nothing could ever go wrong.

    My grave was put next to hers a few months later. The gesture was nice, touching. The boys all came to see us, one day. They bouquets of flowers in their hands. I missed them. Louis and Liam were at her grave when they found my note I had left when I visited her.  The boys all read it together, with sadness in their eyes but smiles on their faces- even Harry's. He didn't even seem mad that one of his best friends was in love with his girl.

 The note read:

       I love you. Always know that. I wish I took the chance that night. I wish I  was the one that asked you out. I wish it was me. Why wasn't it me? I still don't know. I will be with you soon. Know that. I can't wait to see your beautiful face again. To feel you in my arms. To be with you. I can't wait.  I love you. I'll see you soon. I promise, this chance won't go untaken.

                                                                               Love,

                                                                                   Niall