Untaken Chances (Currently undergoing a Re-Write)

The Blackness of My Mind

              Now it's February. February 14th to be exact. It's their wedding day. She is marrying him. There's no going back now. The worst part? Louis came down with a fever so I had playing the roll of best man. Me. I had to watch her go down that aisle. I had to watch them as they their vows. I had to watch as she vowed her loved to him. Nothing hurt worse than that. Watching. Watching when it should have been me. Me. Not him. Me. We were at some church in Italy, where her family hails from. Her family was sitting in their seats, chatting. I had watched them, studied them. She didn't look like her sisters. She didn't look like her mother, or her grandmothers. She didn't look her aunts. She didn't look like anybody. Nobody looked as beautiful as her. They didn't have her smile. They didn't have her laugh. They didn't have her beauty. They didn't have the light that burned so brightly inside of her that it hurt to look- but it hurt more to look away. No one looked like her. No one ever would. I didn't talk to anyone. I just stood in my spot next to Harry at the alter as he made small talk with the boys. I just stood there. I wasn't able to move.

           Then it began. The music started, and the bridesmaids waled down the aisles carrying pastel colored flowers, their dresses powder blue. Then she came. Her dress as white as white can be- decorated in small, elegant pearls and lace. A thing blue ribbon the same color as the bridesmaids dresses was tied around her wait in a bow. Her father was at her side, a smile on his face. A smile on everyone's faces- everyone's but mine. I couldn't force myself to smile. I couldn't force myself to do anything but stand there, staring at her. A white laced veil covered her face, but I could see her. I could see her even when my eyes are closed. Her face decorates that blackness of my mind. That's all I can see. She is all I could ever see. They walked up to the alter. Her father pulled up the viel and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. Never had I seen someone so beautiful as her. She glowed. It was as if some gold aura surrounded her. Her father stepped away, leaving her hands in Harry's. He smiled at her. I could see tears in his eyes. The ceremony began. They started to confess their love. I drowned them out. I just stood there, staring at her. Staring at her smile. It was plastered on her face. She wore it perfectly. How did she do that? Make something as simple as a smile radiate more light than the fairy lights hanging around the alter. I never could understand it. When they read their vows, I just outright ignored them. I watched as her lips moved up and down, shaping the words that I knew would kill me to my core if I let myself hear them. If I let myself know how much she loved them. How happy she was to be with him. To spend the rest of her life with him. Nothing- nothing would kill me more than that.

                    When it ended, and they kissed, everyone clapped and cheered. I didn't. I couldn't move. I wish I had. I wish I said something when the guy had asked if anyone objected. God, I wish I did. But I couldn't. Harry would never forgive me. Neither would she. That would be the worst thing. The worst timing. Confessing my love for her with her family there. Saying how I couldn't live without her- no. I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. Everyone moved to the tables. Everyone began to eat. I sat in where Louis would have sat, next to Harry at the head table. I pushed the food around with my fork- until it was time for speeches. I hadn't prepared one. I hadn't a clue of what I would even say. I sat there while one her friends droned on and on about how she was happy they found eachother. I sat there while it was said that she always loved us and dreamed of marrying us. I sat there. I sat there as long as I could before Harry elbowed me lightly, signaling that it was my turn. My turn to begin. My turn to say lies about the happy couple. My turn to die a little inside by the sight of her smiling up at me. I stood up, lightly tapping my fork against my champagne glass, gathering everyone else's attention. I had cleared my throat, unsure of where to start. Unsure of if I could even begin on anything that wasn't just about her. I caught her eyes. She flashed me a smile, encouraging me to say anything. Anything, even if it wasn't about her.

                     "Ah, where to begin. Hm. I remember when they met- in that pizza place in New York. I remember how confident Harry was that he would get her number. He didn't hesitate either. He got it. Man, did he. I remember how they went on their dates- short ones at first- then longer ones. No doubt they were gettibg more and more comfortable with each other. I remember how she would gossip to me, talking about all of the fabulous places he took her. All of the fabulous and great things he would say to her. I could tell they were hooked on eachother. They were in love no doubt. Never did I believe that would happen- them falling in love. Deeply, too, considering we're here, at their wedding. I hope I can get there one day. I hope I can be happy like he is- have a girl love me like she does him. Have a girl look at me with bright eyes, and a big smile- even if it's because I was being an idiot. I want that, someday. To have a girl shine as bright as her when she is with me- that is something I think we all strive for. A love that you fall so deep into that you- you can't get out of it. You can't wake up from it, because you're so entranced. You're so involved with them that without them there it's like you're suffocating. It's as if you lost all of your air. You can't breathe. I want a love like that. A love where the other person shines so bright that you burn just by looking at them- but you don't, can't, shut off the light because without it you can't see. You can't survive, and you wouldn't want to because they are everything. She is everything. She is the light, and without it you can't find your way home. She's  your beacon, and you're dammed without your beacon. Without it- without them- you're lost. You're just wandering through the sea without that bright light to let you know where to go. It takes a life time to find that person that completes you. When she is gone, it's like you're missing something. It's like you're broken. You're one half of that infinite whole that you're meant to be. God, you're nothing but miserable without them. It's like you're blind, and deaf at the same time. You're just mothing but a hopeless wreck when they're gone. I hope that never happens to you, Harry. I really do. Don't let her go. WIthout her... it's not worth it. Nothing is. You can't see. Without her light at the end of everything, you're trapped in that endless sea of nothing. The endless dark. I'm happy for Harry. I'm really glad that he has his beacon. I'm glad he finally has his home. She's his light. She is everything that he needs. He damn well never forget that. I wish you both happiness. I hope you have a beautiful, and bright life together," I had smiled, my throat hurting by my words. It was all true. She was a beacon- my beacon. Without her, I'm forever going to be stuck in that endless sea of nothingness. I'm forever doomed to be the endless wreck. I looked around the room, everyone was quiet. Had I said something wrong? I hadn't thought I put anything about my feelings in there. I prayed I hadn't. It wasn't until Harry got up and pulled me into a hug that I realised I was in the clear. People clapped, some even looked like they were crying- because of what I said? I didn't think it was that big. While Harry hugged me, I looked down at her, to see her staring at me, her hand closer over her heart. She had tears in her eyes, and traces of an old smile on her face. It was then I realised I had laid my heart and soul for everyone to see. I just hope I didn't scare her away. Please, don't let me have scrared her away.