LOOSE ➶ « l.s. »

49: HATE

« HARRY »

One night I lied back in bed, and found myself being unable to handle the loneliness anymore. Raiding my father's liquor cabinet of anything I could find, I let myself into the car with the bottles of whiskey and vodka in the backseat. I drove through the winding roads up the hills of the town, the warm tone from my headlights glowing over the asphalt. When I parked the car, the image of the Golden Gate Bridge scattered with glowing lights stood before me. Reaching over for one of the glass bottles in the backseat, and unscrewing its top, I brought it to my lips with a large swig.

I remembered Louis bringing us here, and feeling as if my entire world was in the palm of my hand—feeling as if no other kind of happiness could ever feel better than what I felt that day. I also looked to the backseat, and remembered making love to Louis in the very spot. Taking another large drink, I brought the bottle in between my legs and wiped my lips of the escaping liquor from my mouth. Some days I felt nothing—I'd wake up in the morning with an emptiness in my chest, and a numbness I couldn't make go away. Then other days, I felt nearly every emotion at once—anger, sadness, loneliness. These days were harder to bear with, feeling as if any second I would scream with all these feelings itching at my throat.

Downing as much of the bottle as I could, I tossed it out the car window. I brought my forehead to the steering wheel, feeling myself breathe heavily as I attempted not to sob out. I hated Louis, I hated Louis so much.

I changed the gears on my car, reversing out of the area I had been parked in. My eyes fell heavy, and my mind felt numb, and it was as if my better judgement hadn't been present as I swerved through the curved roads whilst slowly becoming intoxicated. I made my way toward Watch, pulling into the dimly lit cliffside filled with cars on that Friday night. I parked my car farther away from the rest of them, scanning the crowds for anyone that could make me enjoy this night. I desperately had to forget about the boy keeping my mind occupied.

Getting out of the car, I brushed passed every car ahead of me—making sure to look into the windows for anyone I found acceptable. When arriving to a small red convertible, I strode over to the passenger's side to crouch down to the girls sat in their car.

"Watch doesn't seem like the best place to be alone" I said to them, seeing them jump at the suddenness of my arrival. The two of them smiled, two girls of brown hair, and I gave them a small smirk I knew would make them melt. Although being intoxicated, I still managed to impress the two.

The three of us continued to speak to each other, their attempts at flirting becoming rather obvious. Eventually I grew tired of speaking to them, leaning forward to ask them a question, "Which one of you wants me to get into her skirt more?"

They both giggled, sharing a glance between one another before looking back to me, "Unless you don't mind sharing?" I had added.

I didn't quite remember how I convinced the two, all I managed to recall was getting in the backseat of their car, and beginning out of Watch. When we made it to where they had wanted to be, I had either one of them on each arm. My tongue taking turns between each girl as my trousers grew tighter. We stumbled into the house, my hands conjoined with theirs as we made way to the bedroom. The mattress was filled with water that moved swiftly as we lied down. Their kisses were sloppy, and their lips tasted like the alcohol in my back seat.

Words couldn't describe how filthy I felt lying in between two females as if I had nothing better to do. Drunkenly undressing myself to find pleasure in my somewhat miserable state of being. The girls were pretty—their faces appearing as china dolls with large brown eyes and pale skin. They looked the same to me if I were to be quite honest, yet I didn't believe they were sisters.

I slipped my head under one of their skirts, slipping their panties aside to bring my tongue to. She hummed out, arching her back in pleasure, and whining out when I pulled away.

"Get up–" I said to her, "–and take off your clothes"

She did what she was told whilst I looked to her friend, "Your mouth's pretty" I said to her as I trailed a thumb over her soft lips. She smiled to me whilst biting her bottom lip, her teeth perfectly straight and whitened. I unbuttoned my trousers, pulling them down far enough for her to grasp firmly onto me. Swatting her hand away, I made a tsk noise with my teeth, "No hands" I mumbled to her, "Your mouth" I said, pointing to my tongue stuck out between my lips.

She gave me a small smirk as I lied back, and turned to the other girl who stood naked beside me, "Come here" I said to her, watching as she brought a leg over my body to sat straddled over my torso.

I dug my fingers into her bum, pulling her to sit herself atop my face. I slid my tongue over the sensitivity of her clit, hearing her moan out as I brought my teeth to nibble onto it. Grasping onto her thighs as inched my tongue farther into her, I inhaled sharply as I felt her friend bring her mouth around me.

She sucked precisely, her hand taking up what her mouth couldn't. I moaned into the other girl, the vibrations of my voice making her moan out in pleasure. I moved my head to provide her with more pleasure, feeling my cock twitch in her friend's mouth as a sign that I was close to climaxing. Just as I was about to finish, I patted the girl's arse as she say on my face to pull away.

"Switch" I mumbled to them, watching as they moved to trade places.

I came within minutes, feeling myself empty into the warmness of one of their mouths with a choked moan. When I went home later that night, I lit a cigarette and sat by the window—looking out at the moon, and wondering if Louis was looking at the same moon at the same moment.

: : :

« LOUIS »

14 May 1958 – Wednesday

Everyday I wonder if what I did was the right thing—I wonder if I had hurt the people I left behind.

I know I hurt Harry, and that's truly the only thing I regret about my decision. I hated myself to creating the opportunity of such pain for him, and it was a hatred I could never forgive myself for. Harry is my everything, and I know I broke him in ways no one else ever could.

I miss him so much—fuck I miss him with every inch of my being. I miss touching him, and looking at him; and I admit that I never really realised just how much I took advantage of these minor things. I'm so in love with him.

The only reason I really have for going back to San Francisco is Harry, so I could go back to him a new person he could fall in love with all over again. I hadn't quite known if I would be this new person I spoke so highly about, but I hoped everything for myself would work out.

I feared that leaving Harry was the worst thing I could have done—that I could have at least stayed to say goodbye, and tell him what my plans were. The thing is, I knew that if I spoke to him that morning that he would change my mind, and persuade me to stay without even trying to. I desperately had to get away from everything engulfing my mentality in that city, and I'm afraid that when I go back Harry will want nothing to do with me.

I will try everything I can to have him understand, but I'm certain his hatred for me leaving will overcome it all.