Emotionless.. ( Joey Bada$$ )

J

Song of the Chapter:

Enchantment by Corinne Bailey Rae

~Jo-Vaughn

After confessing how I felt about Zella to Zella.. I needed to talk to my pros. I didn't lie or nothin' about how I felt, but at the same time...

*Phone lights up showing a text message from Marissa*

Hey baby. I miss you let me show you a good time.

Okay, so I technically hadn't broke things off with Marissa. I was going to I promise, but I just ain't want to hurt her feelings. I know I call her a ho' and allat, but she's a sweet girl in private and she was kind of down for me.

Besides, I'm not sure if I'm ready to be in a real relationship right now. Marissa was the closest thing to a relationship for me. I know with Zella it's going to be a lot more serious, and can I handle that?

I felt my frustrations rising and I looked back at my phone at Marissa's message. The words "good time" were so tempting.

I'll take a detour to her spot before I link up with everybody.

-

"About damn time you pulled up" Kirk said as I pulled up in Marissa's car.

"I know this mothafucka didn't" Nyck mumbled. Steez just shook his head. I waved Marissa off and walked up to them.

"So am I trippin', or you said we needed to talk about what happened with Zels?" Nyck said with his eyebrows furrowed.

"Nah G you not trippin" I said.

"So why you pulling up with Marissa and shit?" Steez said. I fidgeted a little bit and looked in the other direction.

" I just stopped over there to uh..uh.." Steez cut me off.

"To get ya dick wet? This nigga is trippin" Steez laughed. Everybody was laughing but me. Once they realized I wasn't laughing, they stopped.

" Damn Jo, you did forreal huh." Steez said. Nyck shook his head.

" I know. It's fucked up. Everything with Zella happened so fast. One moment I'm telling her how I feel about her, next my face all up in her sea. I got mad love for her y'all know that." I said.

" So what's the problem? Why you still fucking Marissa?" Kirk said.

" Because I'm not sure if I'm ready for commitment honestly. I don't want to mess up our friendship if I'm not." I said.

" Don't you think you should've thought about that before you told Zella how you felt?" Kirk said. I sighed. He was right.

" So what now?" I asked.

"You need to tell her what's running through your mind and then y'all gotta figure that out pro." Nyck said. " We got your back"

-

I climbed up Zella's fire escape, nervous as hell. I told her I had to holla at her, so I know she's already expecting me. If I hadn't told her, I probably would've chickened out and turn around already.

I climbed into her room and she was sitting on her bed reading. She had on one of my t-shirts and some cheeky underwear. She smiled when she seen me and hopped up off the bed.

"Hey stupiddd" She grinned and leaned in to kiss me. I turned my head away from the kiss and just hugged her. She stepped back and frowned.

" Wait , what the fuck?" She said, referring to me denying her kiss.

"Sit." I told her. She hesitated, but sat down anyway.

"What's up with you? What you acting like that for?" She asked.

"Look, I love you but-" As soon as I said "but" she rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

" But what Jo-Vaughn?"

"I think we moved a little to fast. I'm not sure I can handle the commitment honestly. I don't want to screw up our friendship" I said. She started laughing.

I was about to say something when my phone went off. I glanced at it and realized it was a text from Marissa, so I quickly locked it and turned it face down. Zella noticed what I did and then snatched my phone out my hand.

" Thanks for the good time earlier. You know there's more where that came from. " She read aloud. I mentally facepalmed myself. I knew shit was finna' go all bad.

" So basically... you irrationally told me about your feelings, made me break things off with Laith, just to decide that you still want to be a fucking hoe?" She said with her eyes closed and fist clenched.

"Zella I-"

"And you lied to my face? Talking about she was crying and shit. You just fucked this bitch before you came over here! Dawg you're fucking nuts." She yelled.

"I just don't want to mess up our friendship. Us getting into a relationship just makes shit messy. Like it is now. " I said.

"Too fucking late for shit like that now Jo-Vaughn. It already is messy." She said. I walked up to her and she backed up. I could tell she wanted to cry, but she refused to do it in front of me. She refused to be vulnerable.

"I fucked up. I know" I said. "I meant everything I said Zella. I swear my intentions weren't to hurt you."

"You're not a man, you're still a little ass boy. Bye." She said. I felt my stomach drop a little. I'd hurt her. I'm supposed to protect her, but I hurt her. Real men don't do that.

" I said bye Jo-Vaughn. You need to leave, now."

~Zella

As Jo-Vaughn crawled out of my room, I felt a piece of me leave with him. I was upset, and I was hurt. I knew he wasn't ready to be in a real relationship, but I thought maybe I could change that. Obviously I couldn't.

I love him. I love him so much. I've loved him for so long. I wanted him to come comfort me, but he's the one that caused me this feeling. How can he love me but hurt me at the same time? Is that apart of love?

If so, then love kind of sucks.