Risks

6

Tyler's pov

I let out a small huff and gave Kate's phone back to her.
"The game we were playing during the Livestream was a real tearjerker and he was a bit stressed out over the move and other things so he asked me to end it." I looked up from Ethan, who seemed peaceful, and looked from Amy to Mark to Kathryn then back to all three. It pained me greatly to lie to my friends, who were basically my family, but I remember a few nights ago...

~flashback~
"Tyler, look...I know you really want me to tell everyone the whole truth about why I'm here and who Jordan really is but I'm just really scared and I don't want anyone else to be involved in my problem." I looked at Ethan as he started to cry, "Please Tyler, I beg you. Don't tell them, please." I couldn't help but agree, he already owned my heart and slowly my brain was giving in. I stood up and pulled him into a hug as he sobbed silently against my chest, I rocked us back and forth until he drifted off to sleep.
~end flashback~

I bit my tongue as they looked at each other but slowly bought the  lie that I fed them, hopefully it was all the needed and wouldn't pry into it anymore.

Mark and Kathryn seemed to be satisfied with the answer I gave them and I relaxed more against the couch before Amy asked me something that didn't click in my head. I looked at her, "Huh?" She sighed softly, "I said why is Ethan wrapped up? I saw what looked like a bandage around his waist when he rolled over." My brain froze as I stared at her then glanced down at Ethan. His shirt was in place but I knew she might have caught it because I had to fix his shirt. "Uh? I didn't see anything, maybe you saw something that wasn't there." I looked back up but I knew they had caught me in a lie.

Amy frowned a bit and Mark looked super worried as Kathryn asked me why I had lied to them. I bit the inside of my cheek and just looked back at Ethan as he slept, the bandages were there just in case. His wounds were almost fully healed but I kept them wrapped so they wouldn't get infected, even though the chance of that by now was over with.
"Tyler...what are you hiding from us?" Mark asked softly, there in his voice was a hint of hurt behind all the concern and I could feel it tear through my mind like a sharp razor blade. Ethan shifted and glanced at me as he woke, hearing what Mark had said.
"Hiding what...?"
"I...cut..."
I didn't even realize that I had thrown myself under the bus and took the attention off of my sweet Blue Boy. It came out of my mouth before it even registered in my brain that the words, "I...cut..." had slipped out.
Ethan's problems were quickly forgotten when I moved my hoodie sleeve down out of the way to show them my bandaged arm. "Tyler..." Ethan's voice came out in a soft whisper before he hugged me tightly. Amy, Mark, and Kathryn stared at me with shock.

No pov

Amy's face contoured into a frown as she mulled over the words that had struck her mind so hard she thought she was hearing things. Kathryn's eyes widened with the shock after hearing one of her best friends was harming himself because he felt useless to the world around him and then guilt struck her, bringing tears to her eyes; why hadn't she seen the signs?? Mark stared straight at Tyler but it was clear that he wasn't even in the same room anymore. Fear and shock took over his chocolate brown eyes as he shifted through the memories of their years together. Where did he go wrong? Why didn't he see this before?? Why was Tyler depressed to the point he was hurting himself instead of talking to them? Mark stood, "Tyler, what the hell-!?" Mark's body shook with the anger he felt, not at his friend, but at himself for just assuming his best friend was okay. "Mark," Amy stood up and moved to his side, "Don't be angry at him." Mark grit his teeth and shut his eyes. This was impossible, some stupid prank! Tyler wasn't depressed, it was just a prank! He gripped his hair out of spite, "It's just a bad joke!" "Mark-!" Ethan yelped at the half Korean as he felt Tyler stiffen in his hug, "This isn't a prank! Tyler is hurting badly!" Mark but his lip, "I can't-" he didn't even finish his sentence before he rushed out of the room; the girls in hot pursuit. Ethan looked at Tyler and whispered softly, "Let's go lay down, it's late." Tyler nodded slowly, barely acknowledging that Ethan had even spoken a single word.

~skippy~

Tyler's pov

I couldn't sleep.
Not after I admitted that I have a self harming problem. Ethan was sleeping next to me but, no matter how many times I closed my eyes, sleep refused to greet me.
I glanced at the clock to see that it was 1:00 in the morning and I rolled over, sat up, and scooted off of the bed. I walked over to the bathroom and let out a small breath before I closed the door behind me. I moved the mirror out of the way and could see the pain medicine for Ethan and a little box next to them. I grabbed it and opened it revealing the shiny razor blades that seemed to call my name. I picked up one and slowly ran my thumb over it, not enough to make it bleed.
Without thinking about it, I ran the blade across my arm in a quick movement and it didn't take long before my arm was covered in fresh cuts, blood dripping down onto the white tile floor.
I cut until I couldn't hear those depressing thoughts in my head and I rested my head against the sink after I washed the blade. I stared at bit at the mess before I put my blade away and began to treat my arm.
I thought talking about this problem would help me, but it feels like it only made everything worse!
I stared at the man on the other side of the mirror. Bags under his dull eyes, and wrapping around his arm that he just sliced out to shut out everything.
Is this what I have become?
A broken, depressed man who can't control himself because of anxiety attacks that cause him to do nothing but slice into his arm?
Useless!

Weak!

Stupid!

People only care because they feel bad for you!

More of those thoughts slammed throughout my brain and I gripped at the side of my head.

Please! Shut up!
Shut up!! I'm not weak!

You're so weak you couldn't even save Ethan! You had to wait until he actually called you for help! You pussy!
Kill yourself!

But I felt even weaker.
My legs shook under me and I sank to the floor, sobbing softly.
I laid down with my knees to my chest and tried to block everything out but the voices just screamed over and over for me to just die!
I glanced up at the sink and sat back up.
Maybe it will shut the voices up and everyone will live better without me. I don't need to be here to weigh everyone down.
I stood up and walked over to where the box had been set and I opened it. I hesitated slightly as I stared at the shining blade before my hand slowly moved towards it.
Just do it and everything will be okay.
Tears slipped down my face as Ethan popped back into my mind.
The sweet man who made everything better the day we met. Just one look at him and everything felt better.
My hand shook as my finger made contact with the cold steel and I felt the chill move all the way up my arm and down my back, along my spine. I took a small breath and picked it up.

Almost there, just place it on your wrist and slice vertically.

My hand was still shaking.

Did I really want to die?
Did I really want to end this all tonight?
Maybe it will get better?
It never gets better!
It never will!
Don't fool yourself into being even more dumb than you already are! This life isn't worth living!

I gripped the blade and placed it on my wrist and squeezed my eyes, ready to drag it and just die.