Heaven

11. Moving in more ways then one

We get to Olive Garden and start talking. We're laughing and kissing and everythings fine. Then Tess starts becoming more serious.

"So...what do you think about becoming more serious?" She asked. See? I told you she became more serious. "Like how much more serious? We're already exclusive." I said. "Like...taking our relationship to the next level." She said. I was kind of confused. "So...like...sex?" I asked in confusion. "Yeah." She said glad that I said it and not her. She was probably worried that i'd judge her for saying that to the nice little Christian boy. "Well I mean..i'm not sure. I do love you more then anything and I expect us to be together for a long time, but i'm not sure if i'm ready. And I don't want to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. Plus we can wait. I seriously don't mind waiting. I figure we'll be doing it on our wedding night anyway so there's no point to do it right now. It's up to you." I said. "You're not pressuring me Blake. I really do like you. I'm ready for this. But before we do it, there's something you should know." She said. "Ok, what do I need to know?" I asked. "You should know that it won't be my first time." She said. My face dropped. She told me stories of guys who treated her bad. How can one of them just do that to her and then leave her? It's so mean. "It's not what you think though. I was...raped." She said.

She was...what? I don't believe this. Who did this? Why? How dare they even think of touching her like that! So many thoughts were running through my head. "By who? Did you know who did it? I'll kill him!" I said. I was so angry. I wanted to punch the guy for doing that to her. I clenched my fists so tight that I would end up smacking our waiter who I think was checking Tess out. He shouldn't even think of touching her. She's so innocent and beautiful. It's a crime for him even thinking of doing that to her. Both our waiter and her rapist. "Relax. It happened last year and it's fine. We can't do anything about it now. I just wanted to tell you about it." She said. "It's not ok to do that to a girl.." I said. "I know it's not. I can deal with it though so don't worry." She said. "It's not okay to do that to my girl though." I said reassuring  her that I love her more then anyone ever could. "Hey, I can manage with it. I go out of my way to avoid the subject and avoid it ever happening again. Why do you think I stopped you at my party?" She said. Good for her. She didn't deserve that and knows it's bad so she avoids it ever happening again. The fact that she shared that with me just shows how brave she is, how much she trusts me, and how much she loves me.

Even if she did love and trust me, Tess still really changed the mood. I decided to talk about Alice to Tess. As i'm talking, I can see she looks confused about it too. When i'm done she thinks for a minute. Then she starts talking. "Wow. I don't know. It sounds like they really want you back and are sorry, but it seems like you're not ready for it. I say wait until after New Year's. Then you can decide. I figure it wouldn't hurt to try moving back in. It'd be really good if your family changed while you were gone." She said. "I'm just nervous if I was too harsh on them, maybe they'll feel threatened by me." I said. "Hun, you weren't a threat to them before, you're not one now." She said half joking. I loved her so much. She really understands me so well. We just...get each other. I wish she wouldn't think so low of herself like I do to myself. She's worth so much more then she gives herself credit. If only she saw what I see in her. She's imperfectly perfect. There's nothing wrong with her. She's flawless and breath taking and gravity defying and she's mine. That's what I like most about her. I can finally call someone mine...  

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Christmas at Dani's is really fun, but I have to leave. It's not my usual "Visit Uncle Joe's House In Rochester Because It's Newish And Bigger Than My House" tradition. A few years ago we held everything at my house. But after his wife divorced him, he moved into a bigger house in Rochester, got married, and had a kid. That's when we started doing stuff there. Then my mom found out about the affair....then my big birthday blowout...then he left...then we moved. It's almost been a year since he moved out on us. We hardly see him at all. I think it's harder for parents to divorce when their kids are older. I feel like if we were younger when it happened we wouldn't care as much, we'd be used to it. It'd be normal. My life hasn't been normal for a long time. I don't care about my Dad though. he wants to go and date that bimbo then let him.

I call my house and ask if they still want me to come back. They say yes and get excited when I say i'm on my way. Dani gives me a lift and hugs me when we pull up to my house. "Thank you for letting me stay with you. I can't thank you enough." I said. "It's fine. You're like a second brother to me. If you ever need a place to stay, just come on over. Bye." She said. "Bye." I said. As she drove off I suddenly became extremely nervous. Were they just lying? Are they going to do something to me? I've never been so scared to go home before. I took a deep breath in and exhaled. I walked up to the door and hovered my hand over the door knob. My hand was shaking. I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't think i've ever been this scared coming home. I was about to open the door when I saw someone opening the door from the other side. It was my mom. "Uh. Hi." I said. "Hi. I'm glad you're home." She said, sounding....happy. Why is she happy? So she can only be happy when i'm gone? "I'm sorry for leaving but...you know..." I said drifting off, avoiding the subject. "As long as you're back, safe, and unharmed, I don't care. We're not going to baby you because you're back, but we're not going to torture you because you're back either. Things are going to start being normal again." She said. "Ok." I said. This is going to take a lot of getting used to. I go into my room and started unpacking.

It was really nice being home. My sister was really nice and learned to let my finish talking for the first time in all her life. She learned that listening to stuff that she didn't care about wasn't such a sin. I mean I did it every day with her but I never complained. Mostly because I never could, but that's a different story. I never even talked that much around her, so now that I can finish one sentence is really nice for me. And my mom didn't even ask me to clean up her shit for her. I could tell they were angry at me for leaving, but at least i'm back. That should be enough for them. That I came back. I didn't have to. I survived without them, I can leave them and live on my own again. I think that scares them. I hope it does. I decide to go to bed early. I didn't really know what else to do. It was clearly awkward. Hopefully tomorrow would feel more normal. Then I remembered that i'm on Christmas break for another five days. That's five days alone. I'm so calling Tess to go out. I swear I couldn't live without her. I don't think I could go on. I'd surely die without my girl to love...