Trouble

What Am I To You?

Namjoon is woken up around maybe six or seven in the morning by a sound right next to him. It could also be in the middle of the night. Or maybe it's already around ten. It's hard to tell with the curtains being closed and the whole room being only dimly illuminated by a small glimpse of light falling into the room through the slightly ajar door. But Namjoon's head hurts and he feels tired so he decides that it must be some ungodly time in the morning. Whoever decided to wake him up at this time in the morning really deserves to... Wait. Oh fuck.

Memories of last night crash down on him like a waterfall. Suddenly, out of nowhere and all at once. Having dinner together with Seokjin, Seokjin telling him about that guy he used to film porn with all those years ago, Seokjin taking him home after that, undressing in front of him and – oh shit – falling asleep with Seokjin in his arms. But most importantly Namjoon remembers being a whole idiot. Yet again. He really never learns to just leave Seokjin alone. Even though it might be for the better for both of them. Is there a point where it's just too late to turn back around and pretend like nothing ever happened? Because if there is then they have clearly overstepped this line long ago. Way too long ago to just move on now.

With the realisation of where he is another realisation follows. One that Namjoon should have had right away when waking up. The space on the mattress next to him is empty. Seokjin is gone. Namjoon almost jumps out of the bed, just in time to see the light outside the door being turned off. Somewhere in the distance, he can hear another door being closed. Probably the front door of the apartment. Did... did Seokjin just leave him alone in his own bedroom?

Namjoon is feeling a little dizzy, which can probably be blamed on both the confusion and jumping out of the bed way too quickly. Slowly he sits back down on the edge of the bed and reaches into the pocket of his jeans – he's still wearing last nights clothes – and takes out his phone to check the time. The bright light of the screen hurts his eyes and he has to squint at it for several seconds before he can finally make out the time. 5:30 in the morning. What the fuck?Namjoon gets up from the bed again, slower this time, to open the bedroom door and peek into the hallway. Even without looking around much he can tell that Seokjin is gone. The place is dark and quiet. It feels empty. For a moment Namjoon just stands there, in the open door to Seokjin's bedroom, looking into an empty hallway and feeling a little lost. He tries to think about every one-night-stand he's ever had in his life – not a lot to be honest – and what to usually do afterward. But there are two problems with that way of thinking. Number one is just a matter of definition. Can it even be considered a one-night-stand when you didn't even have sex with each other? And when it's not the first hook-up? And when you already kinda had sex before one time? Probably not. The other problem probably comes with this not being an ordinary one-night-stand. Because usually when Namjoon takes someone home they are the ones to sneak out in the early morning hours. Sometimes they disappear without a trace. Sometimes they leave behind small notes. One time a girl really did write her phone number on Namjoon's bathroom mirror with lipstick. It was a pain in the ass to wash that off later. He never called any of them back. Because even when they left behind a number or a small note, all they were asking for was another night. People aren't really looking for relationships in hook-ups. But Namjoon is a hopeless romantic sometimes. He wants to be loved. He wants to wake up to a person next to him and not a note telling him to give them a call if he's looking for someone to have some fun with. 

Either way, this way of thinking is currently not really getting him anywhere. Because this is absolutely no ordinary hook-up and if it were he should be the one sneaking out right now. Doing the walk of shame back home in the early morning hours. Riding the tram in last nights clothes and then go back home to cry in the shower. But instead, he is sitting on Seokjin's bed while Seokjin is... well, where the fuck even is he? Where in the world would he be headed at half past five in the morning? Especially when he still has the guy he took home last night lying around in his bed. Namjoon really doesn't know much about hook-ups and all that but he knows that usually, you don't leave your hook-.up lying in your bed while you go wherever. But Seokjin did. He has pretty much left Namjoon alone in his apartment to do whatever. In a weird way, it feels like Seokjin is trusting him somehow. You usually wouldn't leave a stranger alone in your home, right? Then again, are they really still strangers? It's weird, Namjoon feels like he knows Seokjin's whole life story, maybe Seokjin told him things he hasn't told anyone else yet, and still, he knows pretty much nothing about this man except that he is insanely beautiful, that he had a traumatic past and that Namjoon only made everything worse. He has done nothing to earn Seokjin's trust. Nothing to deserve being in his bed in the early morning hours, Seokjin's scent still lingering in the air.