Blame it on September

Chapter 10(Shay)

Chapter 10 (Shay)

I silently click shut my father’s bedroom door and take a shaky step into the hall. I walk forward three steps before promptly sliding to the ground. My whole body is shaking so badly that I’m unable to stand any longer and so I pull my knees up to my chest and duck my head. I try to keep the tears I can feeling burning behind my eyes where they belong, but a few manage to leak out. I positively hate crying and I never allow myself to because it shows weakness. Now, though, the first few tears seemed to have opened a floodgate and suddenly tears are streaming down my face one after another. A loud sob rocks my body and for once I allow myself to completely let go and just cry.

The only other time I have ever cried the way I am now was when my mother left us. After that I vowed to close myself off from the pain and keep it locked away inside someplace I couldn’t find. When my father was diagnosed with Huntington’s disease I was the one that kept a straight face and assured him that everything would be okay. He needed me to keep it together because who else would? Luke was so crushed in the beginning and he needed me as well. That is why when he started distancing himself from our father I let it go. I know he wants to help out, but he just can’t stand seeing our dad the way he is. I am able to deal with it better than him and so I’m the one that mostly takes care of him. Well, at least I thought I could deal with it better.

Now, it seems like everything that has happened has been building up and it is finally making its escape. I am crying for the fact that I will lose my father and so many other things that I try so hard not to think about. Like, the way my mother couldn’t even stick around to say goodbye to me, but instead left some crappy letter. Or the way Luke is getting himself into more and more trouble while continuing to push everyone that cares about him away. One last thing that I never let myself focus on for even a second is that Huntington’s is a hereditary disease. There is a fifty percent chance that either Luke or I also have it. There are tests and things to help determine whether you are affected by the disease or not, but I am too terrified to get them done. I don’t think Luke has gone either and we never talk about it.

My father knew for awhile about his disease, but he never told any of us until his symptoms were hard to ignore. Looking back I can see the strange movements he would make sometimes and other small symptoms that were just brushed aside. I never thought anything of it until he started forgetting things and having speech issues. After Luke and I became concerned he sat us down and told us the truth, that he was dying. He also explained there was a chance that both of us might have it to. After seeing everything my father is going through, there is no way I could do it. I have never been so scared of anything in my life and there is nothing I can do about it except to ignore it as long as possible. And that is exactly what I plan to do.

“Shay?” a voice breaks the deafening silence and I look up to see it belongs to Zane.

“I’m fine,” I say, voice cracking on the word fine.

I hastily wipe away the tears still trailing down my cheeks and attempt to stand. My legs are still too shaky, though, and I end up sinking back onto my knees. Zane steps closer to me and I duck my head, ashamed that I was crying.

“It’s okay to cry, Shay,” Zane whispers soothingly and pulls me into his arms.

He gently strokes my hair, continuing to say reassuring things to me. For some reason this makes me cry harder. I snuggle into Zane, loving the comfort that he brings me. Something that I hate even more than crying is crying in front of people, but somehow I can’t seem to make myself care in this moment. Zane has always been there for me and once again he shows up when I need him most.

Eventually I am able to compose myself and pull away from his embrace. He looks at me with his stunning blue eyes and I unconsciously lean towards him. When I realize what I am doing I shake myself mentally and pull further away. Zane looks surprised as well and makes sure to put some distance between us as we get to our feet.