Genesis || ✔

[ 6 ] Summer | Part II

"Z," I breathed, barely letting out the single syllable without choking. "It hurts."

"I know, Gen. I know." This time, not even hearing my best friend's voice over the phone soothed the pain. "It hurts because it's love."

Love. If this was what it was, I did not want it.

I did not want the rollercoaster of emotions and the twisted blade in my gut that was the side effect of love. I did not like having to depend my happiness on a single soul. I did not like how loving Seth Vazquez meant he held so much power over me, that one word from him could make me or destroy me.

Though nowadays, it was a miracle to even hear a word from him.

As the last of the warm summer days slowly faded into the dulling yellow of autumn, the warmth that Seth had brought me in the past few months seemed to be blown away along with the leaves in the wind.

"He's your first love. I would be amazed if it didn't hurt," Z continued, speaking to my soul. "But you're strong, you'll find a way."

"You know, if it were the other way round, I would never be too busy to not miss him," I whispered, tears spilling. "It's like he doesn't care. It's like I didn't exist."

Z let me cry, knowing that I needed to get it out of my system. "He must have his reasons. I mean, everyone else could see that he did love you too. I know he did."

"But does he still?"

Z could not answer that, for he was not Seth. And Seth was like a ghost to me.

I hardly saw him around and he wouldn't answer my calls or replied to my texts, claiming that he was busy rushing for his semester final project. And I wasn't even the clingy, needy, attention-seeking girlfriend (no, I couldn't even call myself his girlfriend) who needed him to check in with me twenty-four-seven. It was just simple good morning and good night texts, the how-are-yous and are-you-okays, the I-miss-yous and I've-been-thinking-about-yous, much like how we used to be before Seth started being distant.

He was my miracle, yet now, it was a miracle to even hear from him at all.

Of course, deep down, I had a slight inkling as to what had brought on his distance. It was partly my doing, but only because I was trying for what little self-preservation I could muster.

"What are you gonna do? Are you gonna break it off with him?" Z asked the million-dollar question.

I knew it was coming, and yet I flinched at the suggestion of losing Seth.

I didn't know what to do. With him, it was a never ending war between my head and my heart. I knew I should put an end to it, because it was torture to me, but my heart couldn't let him go. How could I? He was Seth Vazquez. He was everything I had ever wanted.

But we both didn't want the same things, and though I knew it was bound to end, I was torn between living out the moment while I could and breaking it off before I could fall any deeper.

Oh, who was I to kid? I was already at the bottom of the pit, and it felt like with each passing day, I could only love him more, and even now that we were apart, my heart still yearned for him.

I loved him, and he loved me. But we couldn't be together because he was afraid of committing into a relationship. It was the most excruciating feeling – having something at your fingertips but you're never going to be able to fully grasp.

Sure, he said he needed time. Time to overcome his fear, time to get better, but how much time did I have left before I couldn't take it anymore?

How much time did I have left before my past caught up to me and I had to resort to something else – something that would surely hurt him – to numb the pain?

It was a never ending war. A war I was willing to endure because I was willing to fight for him.

For us.

But what about him? Would he fight?

"I don't know, Z."

And for the first time in nineteen years, Z waited patiently on the other end of the line as I cried myself to sleep, understanding that I couldn't be by myself that night and that his silent company would have to suffice.