Deal With It

forty five

Chapter 45

Tyler's POV

My stomach twisted as those words left her mouth and I reached out for her but she backed away. "Listen to me," I said.

"Yes or no, Tyler. Did you or didn't you do it?" her voice trembled. I stayed quiet, not knowing what to say, and scrutinised her face. Her lower lip quivered, eyes glued to me, and she had her fists balled by her sides. "Answer me, please!" she shouted, desperation clear in her voice.

"Just hear me out first," I stepped forward and clutched her hands. She pushed me back, releasing herself from my hold.

"No. You answer me first or I'm leaving."

I bit my lip, sighing. Well, I had no other choice. "Fine, I shot Sawyer Collins. Is that what you wanted to hear?" I snapped. It stung every time I thought about that, actually bringing the words to my lips was almost unbearable. I felt like a monster.

"It wasn't, actually," she looked away. How did she even know? And how long had she known for, hiding it from me? I moved toward her again but she jumped back, holding her hands out. "Don't."

"Arissa, don't shut me out. Please," I said. She remained in her position, fear masking every inch of her face. "You must think I'm a monster but I promise you I had no other option. I'm no murderer, Arissa. You know that. Sit down, let me explain."

Slowly, her arms found their way back to her sides and she sat on the edge of the sofa, nervously peeling at the skin around her short nails. "I know you're not, it's just so much to take in. I never really believed it all until now."

I crouched down in front of her, covering her hands with my own. "There's not a day that goes by where I don't regret it. If I could take it all back, I would. I had nothing personal against the guy," I said.

She nodded, squeezing my hand. "What happened, Tyler?" she stared into my eyes, her expression saying that she still didn't believe I was capable of taking a life.

I sucked in a deep breath, then exhaled, unprepared to speak about this out loud. I had never, ever, talked about it. It was a closed chapter, something that was buried along with Sawyer, and I had never expected it to be revisited five years later. "After Dad left and Mum became a full-time alcoholic, all the responsibility was automatically loaded onto my shoulders. We were living off benefits and half of it was spent on Mum's booze and fags, with a small amount being left for me and Heidi. I used to blame my dad for everything, defending Mum's behaviour and thinking I had to provide for the family. But I was just a stupid little kid.

"I hated how my little sister cried over not being able to buy into all the new trends and getting bullied because of it, and how we couldn't even afford to go on school trips, so I decided enough was enough. I ventured into the areas kids were always told to stay away from and that's where I met Jake.

"He was around twenty then and everyone seemed to love him. I thought he was the coolest guy ever, aspiring to be just like him. He was quite fond of me too and took me under his wing. I started dealing for him— nobody would suspect a thirteen year old child, and I was pretty good at it, bringing in lots of money."

I looked up at Arissa, wondering if she was still tuned in and there she was, intently listening to me. I could hear her soft breathing, focusing on it until she nudged me to continue.

"So that went on for about a year and even though he had shown me how to use a gun on several occasions, he tended to keep me away from the violence.  Then one day another gang attacked us on the street and a fight broke out. I had no idea why because we hadn't provoked them but it was crazy. Jake told me to hide but tossed me a gun for security and I followed his orders, but not before Sawyer found me. I remember his gun pointing right at me when one of Jake's guys, Barry, knocked him aside. He quickly got his stance back and shot Barry dead, so I did what I had to do and shot him."