Privacy [completed]

ZERO| what is love?

Welcome to PRIVACY
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Hello and welcome to a bland book.
!!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!
This story mentions heavy topics such as suicide, depression, and self-harm!
Please read accordingly to your own preferences and your health!
I want you to understand that this story is HEAVY and please remember to focus on your health!
I hope you consider this.
This story isn't like any other (unless it is...)
It's dramatic, sad, and a little bit bitchy, please enjoy this story.

Xxx, TS

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Jump.

I was supposed to do this nearly three years ago. Swearing to keep my promise but to only fail in the most pathetic way felt like a dagger in the heart. I was supposed to uphold my promise but I only turned into a coward. I was supposed to hang off the balcony for the entire world to see. I was supposed to make a statement like they did. I was supposed to end it like they ended it. I was supposed to do a lot of things. 

Yet, I was too weak. Being too weak to keep my promise to them then and even now sends shivers down my spine. All I was able to do was watch as they ended it all, all the while shaking on the icy railing of the balcony, nearly falling to my slow death. Sadly, I couldn't stop them, nor could I join them. I could only silently plead it was all a dream.

What could I do? What can I do? Am I anything?

My fingertips glide across the rough, nearly torn rope that's been waiting on me for too many years now. I remember hiding it well once it was used as a test-run. As I touched it, I felt a shiver of nostalgia run up my spine. It's worn out, dirty and old. The back of my naked arm wiped my teary eyes. I don't deserve to cry. I don't deserve the tears. I'm just a whiny wimp. I couldn't keep my promise nor could I end it all. 

Why do I have tears? I bet they wonder the same thing through agony, through red eyes. I bet they hate me. It was all my idea yet I couldn't go through with it. Does that make me a murderer? I will rot in hell for it no matter if I ask for forgiveness or not. It's what I deserve.

I took off my shirt and my pajama pants leaving me naked on the cold, snowy balcony. I made sure to tie my hair up so it wouldn't slow down the process. I'm already late, I don't need anything else holding me back. 

My body trembles against the December air. I felt exposed. My naked body on my balcony outside in the cold, winter air. It's almost twelve in the morning; everyone's either asleep or waiting for Santa by the fireplace. No one is bothering to see a naked eighteen-year-old pacing on an ice-covered balcony.

"I have to do it," I whispered to myself. "I have to do it for them."

Why am I still convincing myself?

I have to do this. There is no other way for me not to do this. I have too. We all have a duty in life– this one is mine. All my bonds are shattered leaving me secluded in my own thoughts, in my own wonders. I knew this is how it would end up. I knew it from the very beginning.

So why am I so afraid?

This is how it all started and this is how it will end. I don't know where to begin. I don't know what to say about it. Do you even care about my story? My story– it's dramatic and annoying. It's cliché. It's not worth listening too. But if it's that important that you'd want to know just what led me to standing outside on this balcony, then please listen to me. Someone please, just once.

Why am I here? What is my purpose in life?

What is Love?

Is Love risking death for the ones you consider bonded to you? Is that too far? If so, then where is the limit? What are my limitations? Why can I not see the line drawn? Is death too far? If so, then how close to death can I get before my decision becomes unreasonable? Where is the line drawn? Why is it seen as dramatic in reality but a love-story in stories? Why can't I tell the difference between reality and fantasy? Is it all the same?

What is Love?

Is Love privacy? Is Love being secluded with the one you are fond of in total isolation? Is Love being only with the one you hold tender emotions for the rest of your life? If so, what if I Love multiple people? I cannot be with them all at the same time, can I? In many ways I may be able too. But how do I differentiate it? Will I have to visit them all? How many times? Do I call? Can I extend Love to those who aren't directly there with me? If so, then why is it so hard? What if they don't understand?

That's my question I propose to you: what is Love? I'll let you think about it whilst I tell my story.