Thoughts of someone who's gonna explore

First thoughts

They say "the people you meet when you're a teenager stay with you for the rest of your life. They're the ones that shape you, make you who you are, the ones that you'll never forget."  

What if you don't meet anyone? What if you don't do anything special when you're a teenager? What if you're basically wasting your teenage years by experimenting literally nothing?! Well guess what that's me. 

I don't do anything. I mean I do, but I don't live crazy things. I have a few people in my life, but if I turn off my phone, the only ones who'll notice are my parents. Yep pretty sad I know. Now, you're probably wondering, why is it like that in my life? Well... I don't have a fucking clue. I'll tell you why. 

I'm not socially ankward, I can make friends pretty easily, but I have trouble keeping them. You could say I'm out going. I can laugh with people, make jokes, but if I'm all alone in the middle of the night, crying, I have no one to call. No one who would understand or just listen. 

Now I see you coming. Yes, I've already tried with the people close to me. Except my parents, there's no one. Yes people are nice. And yes, it's amazing to have supportive parents, but it's reeeeally not the same as having friend and if you only got this after living sixteen years on this earth, it's still sad. 

And now, I'm sitting here, I look at the sky through my window, this amazing sky. It's always there for me, you know. I just have to look up and it's there, and it gets even more beautiful every day. And I'm here, and I think, and I try to find a fucking sense to my life. 

They also say that it's not good at all to be alone in life, to be isolated. It's really not good for your health. When I think about it, I've never really been able to count on someone, except my family. I've always been by myself. I mean, I had people to sit at lunch with, people who I could speak with, and even hang out sometimes. But at the end, it was only me. 

But wait up! I'm not complaining. I know it's not people's fault, I think it's mine. I mean, mostly my brain. Yep, fucking brain. It's been playing tricks on me for years. Aaand thanks to it I can't keep close relationship. And I honestly don't know how to solve that. 

Holy sh*t maybe I should see a therapist. But seeing a therapist is expensive, and I don't know if it's really worth it. I mean I'm kinda privileged. I've lived bad things, but so has everyone. So I don't know. I keep asking myself : "What have I done to deserve my way of life? How am I more worthy than others?". And the answer is : I'm fucking not. 

Also, I should probably say that english isn't my birth language so if there's any error, I'm sorry hopefully I'll improve with time. 

Guess I'll probably write to you later, but no one's gonna read that so actually it's probably like I'm talking to myself which is... okay I guess. 

G'bye.