Thoughts of someone who's gonna explore

Confusion

Never judge by what you can see. And also life is really weird and well... unexpected. Take me, for exemple. I'm gay, and I've known it for years yet I find myself falling for a guy. Yep, I definitely have a crush on this dude and it feels weird 'cause it's sooo unexpected. 

I don't know... But also I'm kinda ashamed of myself 'cause in a way it's a relief to know that if we date (which is probably gonna happen) I won't have to worry about holding hands, kissing him or even telling the people around me. 

I've never been a normal kid you know, for so many years so many people have called me "different", "original" or even "weird". I've never really felt what it's like to be normal and when I discovered the fact that I like girls I was like "are you fucking kidding me?! Even on this one?!". 

And now, here I am... Wanting to date a guy. And imagining it feels good in a way (but don't get me wrong I stil looove girls), and it feels safe. And I feel guilty because I'm so relieved that even for once I might be able to live something normal. 

Sometimes I wonder. Is there someone in this world, I don't know where, that feels just like me? Is there someone who feels so disconnected, so alone sometimes, like I'm the only one who is so sensitive. Is there someone looking through their window, seeing the birds flying, free to go wherever they want, the planes in the sky? Someone who dreams as big as me? Someone who just wants to connect with someone else, and not just random friendships but to connect deeply? 

Why is that when we become adult we stop doing whats kids do? We become "realistic"?! We conform ourselves? At what point de we stop believing in the impossible? It's when we do thqt, thqt the world stops being magical and becomes random, normal. Like we've already seen everything. 

I hate that. I don't enjoy growing up. 

But you know, I have a great life and I hope you do too :)

I'll talk to you in a bit!

G'bye.