Thoughts of someone who's gonna explore

First kiss

Like a lot of people, I didn't have my first kiss when I was fourteen or fifteen. Actually I had it a few days ago.

I don't know if you've had your first kiss already, and I don't know when it was. For some people it was completly shitty, for some others a good memory. And me? Well I don't really know yet, the only thing I can tell is that I was sooo disgusted. I still am when I think about it. Amazing uh?

So you're probably wondering, "who was it?" "How did you two end up kissing?". Well. Long story short, I'm not gonna tell you how I met him but he's a really nice dude and we have a lot of common interests and I wanted to test this to know if I'm bi or not.

I thought I liked him and I knew that if I didn't like him well I could mever like any other guy and turns out I really didn't. Am I mean 'cause I kinda used him in a way?

Nop. I really thought something could happen but the second his lips touched mine I was like "nope it's not gonna work out". And in a way I'm a bit mad at myself you know?

I've known the fact that I'm gay for years but still I had this little hope that I could be bi. Don't get me wrong, I love girls, I reeeeally do but let's be honest, being straight is so much more easier than being... well anything else. And I just wanted to hold hands without even think about it, just live a casual relationship.

I know, it can be interpreted the wrong way but I don't really care. So here is how it went. First we went out to eat dinner, it was really cool, we joked around and everything and then we just walked together and talked. At some point we sat down and continued to talk. Then. We stopped. He turned his head and started to look at my lips so I turned my head and he leaned forwards and in my brain it was like "OKAY SO THIS IS HAPPENING".

Then we kissed and it was just horrible and disgusting. Then we kept talking and yes I fucking acted like I wanted to be with him and if you wanna know why it's because I just can't kiss someone and say it was horrible. Even if it was. We kissed a few more times and I didn't really think about it, I just kissed him back becaude I wanted to experiment.

We talked again and when I got home, the entire time, I was just sad, disgusted and lost. Disgusted 'cause it just felt so wrong. I don't know why I was sad and lost. I still am when I think about it. I don't know.

So now I can tell, I'm fucking gay. Yep. Checked. Actually, don't think it's something new, I've known it since I had my first crush back when I was thirteen but my parents have a hard time accepting it (yes, even after all these years).

I'm sick of being a dreamer. That's what I am. A dreamer. I dream every day. Every fucking day. Do you dream? Do you still have the vision of a kid? Have you seen that it sucks 'cause you almost can't live in this world with a vision of a child.

My dad met someone and I'm staying at her appartment tonight. It's because she lives far away from where I live so my dad took me with him and introduced her to me. She's nice I guess. I'm looking through the window. We can never see the stars when we're in a big city, at night. It's dark. Just dark. I kinda miss the stars.

I've always been afraid of growing up, that feeling is awful. Yet that's what is going on every day. It's so horrible. I truly hate it. I miss childhood somehow.

I'm gonna go now, I should probably get some sleep.

See you later.

G'bye.