About You

XII.

"Kuya are you okay?" Renea asked me when I passed by her.

I ignored her, wala ako sa mood makipag-usap. I locked myself inside my room, ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Ibinagsak ko ang sarili ko sa kama.

Heart tried to kill herself because of me? Shit! Ganun ko ba sya nasaktan? Tama ba talagang iniwan ko sya noon? Worth it pa ba yung ginawa ko?

"Aish!" Napasabunot ako sa buhok ko. Nakakagago. I let out a deep sigh and let the pain I'm feeling drag me to sleep.

*

"Kuya! Are you alright? Buksan mo tong pinto! Your friends are here. Hey Kuya Leoel!" Nagising ako sa malakas na pagkatok at sigaw ni Nea sa pinto ko at napansin kong madilim na pala. My sister is really loud.

"I'm fine Nea. Tell them na bukas na lang kami magusap."

"Sigurado ka bang okay ka lang?" nag aalalang tanong ng kapatid ko sa akin.

Ipinikit kong muli ang mata ko. "Oo, just let me sleep a lil' longer."

"Okay!" Narining kong umalis na si Nea pero ilang minuto lang ay kumatok na naman sya sa pinto ko.

"Kuya! They're gone already. Iris said that he emailed you something, you should see it daw asap." Ano naman kaya yun?

"What is really happening Kuya? Mind to tell me?"

Bumangon ako at kinuha ang laptop ko. "Wala. Go now Nea, I'm fine really."

"Hmp! Fine! Sungit mo. By the way, tumawag si Mom kanina, naka off daw phone mo kaya sakin sya tumawag. Uuwi na sila bukas, so umayos ka ha, Kuya!" uuwi na sila? Much better.

"Oo." I logged in on my email and saw what Iris sent. It's a video with a subject named : Must watch.

I felt unease, but still downloaded the video. When I played it, muntik na namang tumulo ang luha ko. It was Heart. I think it's the continuation of her interview a while ago. Hindi ko kayang panuorin to. I just can't. When I was about to end the vid, Heart started to talk.

"I'm sorry for that. Okay, so going back, After that foolish act I did, I transferred school. I can't stand to stay in the same campus with Mr. C. It's just so awful. Sobra akong nagalit sa kanya... but I'm even madder with myself. I didn't even think of my parents. What would they feel if I succeeded in killing myself? I became so selfish that time, at sobrang pinagsisihan ko yon."

Ako din, kung alam ko lang na ganito ang mangyayari, I should've not left you.

"I... seek for psychiatric help because I was traumatized by my own acts. My psychiatrists told me that I should find an outlet to release all of my emotions. The pain, the guilt and everything that makes me feel so depressed. And guess what outlet I found?

It's writing."

"I let everything out on writing, all the madness I feel towards Mr. C., towards myself. Lahat ng nararamdaman ko, doon ko inilabas. Yung sakit, yung pagsisisi, yung panghihinayang. I didn't even realize I already wrote so long that I actually finished writing a whole damn book. And out of nowhere, naisip kong ipasa sya sa Redwine as my entry. Ang nasa isip ko lang non, all I want is to share the story of pain I've been thru, kahit hindi ako manalo, okay lang. But to my surprise, I won! I wasn't really expecting it, I already lost the desire to win the contest but I did."

"Redwine published my book and it became a big hit, it's like a dream come true! And that book is entitled 'Heartless Heart.' A book written out of anger, out of hatred."

Heart smiled genuinely.

"By that time, I started to look on the positive side of everything. I realized that, Mr. C. leaving me is a blessing in disguise. Kung hindi nya ako iniwan, hindi ako masasaktan ng husto, kung hindi ako nasaktan ng husto, hindi ako makakasulat ng isang magandang kwento. 'Heartless Heart' won't be able to exist, if it's not because of him, I won't be here, successful and still soaring."

"And I started to think that maybe just maybe, that's also what Mr. C. wanted for me. That all along, that's the real reason why he left me. Until one day, I confirmed it through my mentor. She attended my first book signing event, and told me that Mr. C. talked to her and asked her what he could do to help me write a better piece." I pursed my lips. Totoong kinausap ko ang mentor nya.

"But don't get me wrong. She never suggested him to break up with me. She said she just told him to help me feel emotion greater than happiness. A stronger one. Something that the readers can relate. Medyo gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. At least, I know that what he did was really all for me. I am thankful. But it ends there."

Yes, that's the real reason why I chose to left her before. By that time all I can think about an emotion greater than happiness is pain and hatred. Right. I broke up with her to hurt her and gave her the emotion she needed to write the best she could do. Gago no? But all I want is the best for her. I know how she badly wants to win that contest. She's so eager to get her book published and I thought it would make her happier. I also know how great help it will be to her career if she win.

Pero kung alam ko lang na she would try to kill herself, hindi ko sya iiwan. I never thought she loved me that much to the extent that she could kill herself. When all this time I thought that I love her more to the extent that I can leave her just for her to be successful. Pero mali ako, she loved me far more than I love her.

She cleared her throat and looked straight to the camera. "And that's the whole story behind my debut book 'Heartless Heart'".

The video ended but I'm still staring at the screen of my laptop. So that's it. Napahiga akong muli sa kama ko thinking of the things she confessed. And I think I understand now why she want me totally gone of her life.

Because I myself, reminds her that she almost took her own life. Na everytime na makikita nya ako, naaalala nya na once in her life she committed a mortal mistake that'll forever hunt her.

I turned on my phone and received a few messages from my friends. I decided to dial Llyndon's number.

"Pre."

"Oh pre! Okay ka lang ba?"

"Yes." No I'm not. "Llyndon."

"Ano yon? Alam kong hindi ka okay." I deeply sighed before answering.

"I can't do this anymore. I'll talk to Ms. and I will tell her that I'm switching group. I'm sorry pre, pero ayoko na."

***
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