I could count the total hours of sleep I got using one hand.
The nights got darker, longer, and colder.
I couldn't sleep. Having Ethan with me didn't even help.
My mom allowed him to spend the nights over at our house because she knew how much pain I was in. I haven't left my house since the day Olivia took her own life.
I kept waking up in the middle of the night from a nightmare, of which had her in them each time.
First, I would wake up screaming, sobbing, and gasping for air. Ethan would wrap both of his arms around me tightly, squeezing my chest.
When I was younger, my mom would do the same thing to me when I woke up from a nightmare.
Next, Ethan would lay back down with me in his arms, turn me so I was facing him, then whisper 'it's okay,' even though it's not.
Then, he would pull my head to his chest and plant a soft kiss on my forehead.
Finally, I would fall back asleep for a short period of time.
Eventually, I woke up to a cloudy morning, colder than usual. Ethan was still asleep, probably exhausted from me waking him up several times throughout the night.
I reach into a cardboard box and pull out a pair of sweatpants. Today was the day.
I hear Ethan start to wake up. "Good morning," I say as I put my sweatpants on.
He mumbles in an inaudible language, but I laugh because he's cute. I hover over the bed and kiss his forehead. Before I get a chance to stand back up, he grabs my arm.
"You missed," he says, pulling me closer to him. He cups my cheeks and plants a kiss on my lips.
I laugh and try to pull away, but he wraps his arms around me and flips me onto the bed, making his way on top of me.
Suddenly, a big rock hit my stomach. Ethan pulls away from the kiss, making a face that resembled mine.
Holy shit. At that moment, I realized that I really loved him. It wasn't a simple feeling, I really loved him with a burning passion, and I think he felt the same way about me.
Suddenly, I feel sick to my stomach remembering this is my last day with Ethan... possibly forever. My eyes start to water and Ethan is quick to notice.
"Are you okay?" His eyebrows furrow.
"What? Y-yeah," I try to push him off gently, but he's too heavy, so it's kinda... impossible for me to do that.
"Chloe, what's wrong?" He says in firm tone.
"Nothing," I nearly choke on my saliva and my mouth dries up. He didn't buy it, so he raises one eyebrow.
"I'm," fuck, it's happening. I begin to cry, "I'm gonna miss you."
"Hey, hey, hey, shhh," he sits up and takes me into his arm. My head falls weak over his shoulder as I begin to sob.
One of his hands rubs up and down my back as the other one gently presses against the back of my head.
"I don't wanna leave," my voice trembles. "I don't want you too either," he chokes up.
"I'm sorry, Chloe." I get confused and pull back. "Sorry for what?"
"When I first met you, I never treated you good. I was rude and wasn't there for you. I lied and didn't stand up for you, and I can't forgive myself. I don't know what was wrong with me. Grayson was so good to you. I wish I could be more like him at times. I guess I was just... embarrassed. Embarrassed of showing my flaws and weaknesses. I'm so sorry," tears stream down his face.
"Ethan, it's okay," I wipe his tears, "look at where we are now. You've proven yourself to be better. I don't think you realize how important you are to me and how much I appreciate you. You may not have been there before, but you are now... and that's all I care about."
We hug each other so tight, I never wanna let go. He buries his face into my neck and cries. This is strange, I've never seen a guy cry like this, if at all. It pains me.
"I love you," I say and kiss his cheek. He pulls his head up and our lips connect. They were wet and slimy kisses (gross, I know). We were both such a mess.
I brush his hair back and look into his bright hazel eyes. We pause for a brief moment and silent fills the room.
"Let's get ready."
———
I never thought I'd have to go to a funeral for a friend or someone that went to my school. It's heartbreaking. It's one of the darkest feelings I've ever experienced.
Ethan holds my hand tight as we walk towards the funeral home.
Her relatives stood at the entrance greeting everyone. We exchanged hellos and I gave my condolences. I could see the pain in their eyes. Her parents uncomfortably gave me a hug, recognizing who I was.
They repeatedly "I'm so sorry," so many times. "Don't be," I shake my head. "I am sorry. I know her truth. I'm still here and she's...," I stop. Her mom cries and pulls me in for another hug.
Eventually I walk away with Ethan. I grab his hand and pull him around a corner. "I can't do this," I say, not being able to breathe. "Hey hey hey," he hugs me tightly and rubs my back.
"It's okay, breathe. Shhh."
I take deep breaths while having my head pressed against his chest.
"We can do this," he whispers and fondles my cheeks.
———
