'Hey,' she gazed at me in concern. 'Hey, look at me.'
I slowly opened my eyes and hesitantly moved them in her direction. A small comforting smile spread across her lips as I made eye contact with her.
'See, it's going to be alright. Everything's ok, yeah?' All it took was that one sentence. That one goddamn sentence that apparently everyone thought was a good thing to say to me. Trying to contain my anger, I clenched my jaw and glared at the floor. My blood boiled as her sentence repeated in my head. As the same bullshit everyone says swam around my mind, sending my thoughts and sanity into a frustrated frenzy. 'Hey, you don't look too good... are you ok?' Deep down somewhere I knew she was looking out for me but with the infuriating thoughts flooding my mind and the anger building up rapidly, my throat went dry and I finally snapped.
'No! I'm not okay!' I yelled, feeling adrenaline rush through me at the volume and sheer power of my voice.
'I spent so long building myself up, telling myself I am good enough for the world and that it isn't my fault if guys aren't interested in me. I told myself that it's fine, it's ok. Obviously not everyone is going to like me and that's completely fine. But to have literally no one ever like you kind of sucks. It absolutely stinks. Especially when you're a hopeless romantic, not that bad of a person and just about everyone else has someone. And those that don't have one, generally don't want one.'
I took a deep breath, trying to steady my breathing and the accelerating volume of my voice but to no avail.
'I'm just so sick of all this bullshit,' I pulled at my hair to let out my anger before stopping and continuing my rant.
'I build up the courage to go talk to this guy that I'm sort of interested in and he seems to be interested in me too. I text him and first he doesn't say anything. I'm about to give up all hope then he responds. Be it a week later, but he responds. And when he finds out who I am, he doesn't even run away or anything. He stays and it seems like he's honestly fine talking to me. And I'm absolutely euphoric because for once, a guy knows who I am and seems to be fine with it. He doesn't run away like all the other guys do.'
I take another deep breath and the next time I speak, my voice isn't powerful or overwhelming but rather sad and beaten down.
'I build up the courage to talk to him again and he responds instantly. We have a great conversation and continue chatting online for the next month or so. We somehow become friends, maybe even a little more than that. And it's the best feeling ever. Until I text him one day. He texts back after a while and I send him another message. He's online and he's seen the message but he doesn't reply after that, not even a few days later. And I tell myself that it's alright. Maybe he just got busy, maybe he forgot to reply. Or maybe he doesn't want to talk to me anymore...'
I pause for a moment, clenching and unclenching my fists as I lean back in my seat and break the loud silence.
'I start falling down this rabbit hole. I start doubting myself, thinking maybe I'm not good enough. Because surely, he wouldn't run away like he did after the conversations we had. Because to me, it seemed like he was more than alright talking to me, fully aware of who he was talking to. And I suddenly wish I hadn't talked to him. Maybe it would've been better to stay away and just drown in the mystery that he is from a distance. Maybe it would've been better to never find out why he looks at me the way he does. And I start wishing I was someone else. Anyone else...
'But I stop myself before I can spiral out of control. I climb my way up, telling myself high school guys are stupid anyways. And when the time is right, I'll also have someone. Someone who doesn't just lead me on to go get with another girl. Someday, it'll be my turn,' I glance up to notice the worried expression of my friend as she hesitantly urges me to continue.
'And now I'm stuck halfway down the rabbit hole. I start doubting myself again, thinking maybe it's just me. Thinking that maybe I will never have anyone. Maybe I'm not pretty enough. Maybe I'm not smart enough. Maybe I'm too tomboy-ish and too much like a guy for them to see me as anything more than a friend. Perhaps that's why guys are always going after my sister or friends. Perhaps no boy will ever like me. Perhaps I'm not good enough and never will be...'
