Narcolepsy (A Love Story)

17: Blake

I don't know why but I thought I'd be more freaked out at the prospect of marrying someone, but maybe all of the reasons it was so fucked up — we barely knew each other, we barely tolerated each other up until now, and we both had all kinds of issues — maybe those were exactly why this felt right. Maybe this was how men entering into arranged marriages felt, like there were lots of unknowns and plenty of risks, but the potential benefits were endless. That every day together was a surprise waiting to happen. So I wasn't freaked out, not at all, I was just determined.

"Today is Thursday. Let's both take tomorrow off and fly to Vegas. We can get married on Saturday, spend our wedding night in a fancy hotel, and then fly back on Sunday."

"That's insane. You're insane. I thought we'd maybe discuss it more, work out some details, maybe get a license and go to the courthouse in a couple weeks."

"Why? Why wait? Putting it off is just going to result in overthinking it, introducing doubts. Yes, it's a spur of the moment decision and it's kind of crazy, but we both know that it really is the perfect solution for both our situations and putting it off and questioning it is just...how did you describe it? Slapping a Band-Aid on an arterial spurt?"

"I said that out loud?"

"Yes, yes you did."

"Jesus, I'm worse than I thought."

"Precisely why you need the insurance."

"Remind me again what situation you're in that this solves?"

"The situation where I realize I'm way kinkier than even I realized, and I'm into things that could very well result in my arrest with any other person but you. And now that that door is open, I have no desire to close it. The thought of you completely helpless and under my control, unable to respond, unable to stop me... I don't know if I can ever go back."

"Whoa, tiger, don't you think you're maybe jumping ahead a bit? We haven't really done anything and you're already convinced this is the pinnacle of your sexual desires? Don't you think you should see how it goes first? You could be, I don't know... wrong?"

"Yeah? Do you think gay people need to have sex first to realize whether they are really gay?"

"Touché."

"Give me some credit for having been around the block a couple times and recognizing when something feels right. I haven't ever been this excited about the prospect of sex with someone since I was 14 and beating off to fragmented images of porn on scrambled pay-per-view channels."

"You're right, okay? I was being dismissive and condescending. I think it was a defense mechanism, since I can't fathom that someone would actually be into the very thing that everyone else rejects. But it's fucking ridiculous for me to judge you for the part that means this might actually work out between us. That I might actually have a chance at a normal life and real relationship. That's way more fucked up than anything you could ever get off on."

"Thank you. Thank you for recognizing that, and accepting me. I don't think you were judging me, it didn't feel like that, I just think you're scared. You don't have a lot of hope for the future, do you?" When she shook her head, I took a chance. "Is that why you believe you can't have kids?"

She looked stricken, absolutely devastated, like I just handed her a puppy and slapped it out of her hands. After a few moments, she nodded, slowly and jerkily, like it was difficult. Her voice was barely above a whisper when she said "It seemed an unlikely prospect to begin with, and the thought of passing this disease down to a child, my child... I can't do that. And then there's the disease itself. I couldn't be on my medication while pregnant or breastfeeding so I'd be non-functional for months, possibly years. And what happens if the baby starts choking, or the kid has an allergic reaction? If I panic, it could trigger paralysis, cataplexy...I would be lying there helpless while my baby died. The thought terrifies me. I freak out when my cat sneezes, how could I function and care for another human being? A helpless, dependent one at that?"