Narcolepsy (A Love Story)

27: Blake

Her eyes were huge, like an owl, round and unblinking as she stared at me in what I can only assume is awe.

"The cock-monster?" She breathed out, her voice brimming with glee and disbelief. "REALLY?"

"It fits, okay?"

"No, no, don't get defensive, seriously. I LOVE it. That's brilliant! I'm sure he lives up to his name. I can't WAIT to meet him." She was bouncing a little in my lap, and I was in serious jeopardy of introducing them immediately.

"Baby girl, please stop bouncing like that, he's already excited to meet you but this isn't the time or place."

"Do you think he'll like me?"

"He already loves you. He met you last night, left you a present."

"RIGHT! I forgot about that. I loved it. Sophie gave you a present too but it wasn't as obvious."

"Sophie?"

She leaned in and whispered "My pussy."

GodDAMN.

"Wha--what do you mean, baby girl? What present?"

"I woke up just after you fell asleep. I wasn't under very far and I was aware of what happened, and I was so turned on that I took care of some personal business thinking about you doing the same, and I was pretty...juicy so I drew a three-part lightning bolt on your chest."

"If we weren't already on our way, I'd ask you to marry me again for that."

"Aww, that's sweet. But remember, I proposed to you."

"That's RIGHT. I forgot! I keep thinking I pressured you into this but it was your idea."

"You think you're pressuring me?"

"I don't know...maybe? I mean, I think we can be really good together, and I want nothing more than to make you happy and make you feel safe, but I keep screwing up." I did feel that way, I realized, and I HAD forgotten that she had been the first to propose. I had certainly run with the idea and convinced her it was viable, but the initial idea had been hers and it hadn't been the direction I was going in before that.

"Baby, you sound so...I don't know exactly, but it makes me sad. If anyone is screwing up, it's me. I keep overreacting or misreading things, just assuming the worst, and I promised not to do that. But you've been so patient, and I don't know why you haven't run screaming from me yet."

I hesitated, then decided it was necessary. "Can I ask you something, and will you please not get mad all over again?" At her reluctant nod, I continued. "Why did you get so mad over the baby bjorn thing? I realize it's not practical or doable, but you were furious."

She took a long time to answer, so long that we were starting our descent when she finally spoke. "I bring a layer of complication to everything I do. Anyone who spends time with me, they have to adapt to me, to my needs and my schedule, and I know that's not fair. It's why I have very few friends, no long-term relationships... for most people, I'm just too much of a hassle. And I worry, all the time, about being a burden on people. It can't be easy to deal with me, physical complications aside, I'm not fun and spontaneous, hell, I don't even laugh. But the thing was, I had forgotten to feel like a burden with you. You want something that I can provide, and I felt equal in a relationship for the first time, like I wasn't just taking but giving too. And just the idea of that, that I'd be strapped onto you like a thing when I became inconvenient or complicated, it just made me feel...reduced. In the relationship. Like I needed to be set aside until I was useful again. I didn't feel equal anymore, and I was a burden again. I was something to work around. It hurt, and I wasn't angry with you as much as I was angry at myself for forgetting what I was, forgetting how hard it is to be with me. And I lashed out."

"You're not," I said, my voice thick. "You're not a burden. Or an inconvenience. Not to me. I couldn't understand how you could think that but I see it now, and you're wrong. Abby, I feel very protective of you, yes, but I also feel very possessive. Since I held you in my arms the first time, it hurts to be apart from you, it physically hurts. I can't imagine what I'll feel like after I've been with you, but it's this primitive impulse to be near you, touching you, already. And you distance yourself from so much, you cut yourself off because you had to protect yourself, and I get that, but all I was thinking was this could be a way to keep you with me all the time, where you wouldn't have to worry about falling asleep or losing control because I'd have you and it wouldn't matter where we were or what we were doing. Arms full of groceries? Luggage? No problem. Hiking in the mountains? No problem. You weigh next to nothing and you're so tiny...it was a stupid idea but it wasn't because you're a burden, it was because I can't stand being away from you."

"It's not that stupid of an idea. I mean, no fucking way is it happening, but it isn't so outrageous for you to think about being my Hodor. I just...can't."

"Should I stop carrying you around? Am I making you feel like a burden?"

"No! No. I like that, I like being in your arms. I love when you hold me. I know it hardly seems different but it is. When you carry me, I feel like you want to carry me, that you're keeping me close rather than shoving me in a corner until I wake up."

"So you want me to make some effort, is that it?" I smiled at her to soften the words but that seemed to be the sticking point. Carrying her was good because I was showing her I cared, the sling was bad because it was almost too convenient.

"God, is that really what I'm saying?"

"Even if it is, it's okay. You need that reassurance right now, and I need to respect that. See? We just need to talk these things through and get on the same page then everything is fine." The plane was grinding to a halt at the gate as I said that, and within seconds of it stopping she was out of her belt and back straddling my lap, kissing me. We stayed in that seat as the plane emptied out, not breaking our connection until the flight crew told us we needed to leave or risk getting caught onto a flight to Kansas City.

We walked out, hand-in-hand, through the airport, and out to the shuttle and taxi pick-up, and were on our way to our future.