Love of Stars

[Chapter 1 - Cigarettes]

I always wanted to die clean and pretty 

But I'd be too busy on working days 

So I am relieved that the turbulence wasn't forecasted 

I couldn't have changed anyways

I am relieved that I'd left my room tidy 

Goodbye.

- Mitski : "Last Words of a Shooting Star"

She took another languid drag of her cigarette and let the smoke lazily drift out between her lips. She'd been staring at the skyline for as long as 6 cigarettes lasts; she wasn't keeping track of the time. It seemed to slip through her fingers like grains of sand. 

She twisted at the waist to toss her half empty packet of Camels next to the entrance to the roof. She turned back around and shifted her gaze to the ridges that the skyscrapers made as they reached up into the sky. Like fingers, some days they seem like they seem to yearn to brush against the clouds, daylight refracting on the iridescent glass windows. On others the large ashen buildings seem to claw up into the sky in an ugly desperation.

Some days they seemed like boughs of dead branches that stand still and solemn. She closed her dark eyes to the grey sight and tilted her head, paying no attention to the long bangs that tickled her eyelids. She placed the cigarette back between her lips and took a slow drag. She thought she'd be anxious, but for some reason she wanted to savor the feeling of every cloud of smoke that escaped her lips in a whisper.

She cracked her eyes open enough to see the ledge of the building from under her lashes. Her midnight black boots softly crushed the gritty concrete as she stepped up and balanced herself right on the ledge. She'd been here before, too long ago. Back when she was younger and everything seemed made for her. She stared silently at the darkness that lay between her and the building on the other side of the busy road. She stuck her right hand into her pocket and with her left, gently took the cigarette between the ring and middle finger of her other. She blew a ring of smoke into the empty space 5 stories above the street and watched it slowly fade.

She closed her eyes for a moment and sighed. She looked up to the sky and saw the thick grey clouds painted onto the sunset sky. "How pretty," she thought. "A sunset, without a glimmer of light peeking through. You wouldn't know the sun was going down unless the clouds. Would move."

She cocked her head. "Beautiful," she said, her voice just a wisp.

She looked back at the used cigarette butt, and flicked the vaguely glowing end twirling down the side of the building. She edged her toes onto the very edge of the building and closed her eyes tight as she could. She took a shuddering breath and began to sing soft but clear, her voice crescendoing as she reached the end.

I always wanted to die clean and pretty

But I'd be too busy on working days

So I'm relieved that the turbulence wasn't forecasted

I couldn't have changed anyway

She voiced cracked like fine china, but she kept her eyes squeezed shut.

I am relieved that I left my room tidy.

She tilted her chin up to the sky. She almost smiled as she leaned forward.