Love of Stars

[Chapter 6 - Faith]

"You'd say you would stay, but you'd run."

- ❈ -

The only way I can combat the feeling that the world's against me, is to tell myself that if you can't beat 'em? Join 'em. Although it's not the best way to live if life's constantly throwing things that are trying to kill you, but I don't want to live anyway so what's the big deal?

I'd have to be blind to not be able to see why mom gets drunk so often. It numbs the pain enough to be bearable. So when my mother came banging on the door at 2 A.M., I knew it was because the liquor on her breath made her fingers as clumsy as a child's. There was no way she could even remember the code, let alone open the door. I looked through the keyhole to see a tall woman with pitch black curly hair and bright green eyes full of life. Even completely stoned, you could see her beauty radiate around her like she was the North Star.

I opened the door and almost collapsed under this 5' 9" full grown woman's weight.

"Honeyyyy, why are you still uppppp....?" she asked as a dreamy smile crept onto her face.

"Don't worry about that, mom. How about we get you some water, how does that sound?" I squeaked under her weight.

"Tea pleaaaaaase?" she mumbled as I quickly led her to the her lemon yellow bedroom; I could feel her falling asleep in my arms. I laid her down gently and tucked the rough and ragged bed sheets around her. To the tune of her snoring, I worked in the kitchen to boil the water and add honey and ginger to the Earl Grey my mother adored. I let the tea sit for a minute or two for it to cool down. Then, I brought the sweetened tea to my mom and tenderly helped her up so she could take small sips from the surface.

"What did I ever do to deserve a daughter like you," she said, weaving her fingers through my darkened blue hair. Either she was too drunk to notice the plethora of knots, or she just didn't care. Maybe both.

"Don't say that, mom," I said closing my eyes, "you're okay..."

I opened my eyes to see her staring at me. She let out a small grunt and she scooched to the side and motioned for me to lay down beside her. I smiled softly and set myself next to her on the twin sized bed. I closed my eyes as she caressed my hair.

"I never meant it to turn out like this you know," she sighed, "sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we stayed in California... I'm sorry you're here because of me."

"Mom, we're still getting by. I've got a steady job and you're trying your best."

"There's a difference between just "getting by" and truly living, Sia. There is a difference. And I want you to find somebody or something that lets you live again. I know things have been hard, but you're going to get through this."

I nodded, eyes still closed. I was glad the lights were off, or else she'd see the trail of tears running down my cheeks.

I wasn't sad that she believed in me, my heart was torn in pieces because the last person I believed in was me. I'd already lost all hope that things were going to get better.

So I curled myself into a ball and let her strong arms wrap themselves around me as I cried. It didn't matter how dark it was, I'm sure she could feel the sobs wrack my small body.

Yet again, I'd failed to make her happy and make her proud. Crying was a weakness I'd rarely shown around her; I was ashamed of it. So swept up my tears and shut them in a closet in the depths of my mind. Even if they screamed to be let out, I'd dance through the rest of my life with a smile, hoping it doesn't look like a grimace.

- ❈ -

The next morning, I woke in my bed annoyed by the shrill sound of my alarm. I picked up my phone and turned the blaring noise off. I stretched and lay in my bed for a couple minutes just gazing up at the constellations painted onto the ceiling. I'd already recognized the basic constellations like Ursa Major and Minor and my favorite, Cassiopeia.

I sighed, content. All was quiet and peaceful in my life.

It made me wonder.

Where was she right now?

- ❈ -

"One, two, three, and four," I yelled tapping my feet, twisting and turning to the beat. "Push, pull, up and in. Come on Sam, put some jazz in those hands! Yep, just like that. Alright alright, let's take it from the top? We're ending there so congratulations everyone, we've officially finished the choreo!"

I smiled at the resounding cheers and giggled at the teens who collapsed on the wooden floors in relief. "Hey I know this one's hard - hell, it's probably the hardest choreography we've ever done so far this year, but you've all got to admit it's amazingly satisfying."

I heard mixed reaction: groans of pain and torture and a couple of tired thumbs up from various bodies littering the floor. I clapped my hands twice, "Alright, I can tell I'm not going to get anywhere with you guys until we take a short water break, how does that sound?"

Sam, the youngest at just 13 years old, nodded his head vigorously and raced off to the water bottles lining the edge of the room. It was only a dozen steps away, but you bet Sam's going to be the first one there.

I smiled and remembered the times in California where I looked forward to waking up. Times I used to look forward to dance class and seeing my instructor. Times I wanted to be alive.

"Why do I now?" I thought as the smile faded from my face, "Why'd I ever think that living on this earth would become anything when I know full well I'm just torturing people with my presence, aren't I?"

I pinched the skin on my forearm, trying to bring myself out of my self destructive trance, but it wasn't working. It wasn't working at all. Not that it should, I mean less than 24 hours ago I was about to jump off a roof. And it's all because of-

"I should just slit my pretty little wrists like he asked me to oh so long ago. Why didn't I listen to him then? Why don't I ever listen?" My voice screamed obscenities at very soul, trying desperately to tear it to shreds.

"Sia... are you okay?"

Sam tugged at my baggy yellow sweater to get my attention.

"Y- yeah I'm fine. I'm-" I stuttered, "I'm fine." I looked down at Sams concerned face, he looked absolutely adorable with his eyebrows furrowed like that so I had to laugh. His face broke out into a grin and he did his own slowed down, smooth version of Orange Justice. I had to ignore the desperate whispers inside my head for now. I had a class to teach.

"Alright buckaroos, time to get movin'!"

******

Okay so uhhh I just realized that I probably need to put a little warning about the whole mental health and anxiety/depression thing Sia has going on oof. Damn but I'm adding a lot of things from my personal experience in here, too. And oh my gosh, I almost forgot to mention:

IF YOU'RE SUFFERING FROM ANY FORM OF DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, OR MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE ME <3 <3 <3

Now thank you dear readers, and have a wonderful day (or night).

- Penny <3