5:00 AM
the smooth jazz pours from my nightstand
and i burrow deeper into my nocturnal warmth
and i'm calm and i'm tired and it's okay.
6:00 AM
boiling water pours down my bare shoulders
and i feel absolutely blank.
some soap gets into my eyes.
6:30 AM
my neck burns from the hairdryer
my eyes water from my mascara
and my pores are set aflame.
7:00 AM
again, blank. i stare out the window of the car
as the most soothing sounds ever possible play
so close to my brain, but not close enough.
7:40 AM
i walk into my makeshift home? prison? hotel. hotel.
the sounds play quieter now
because they'll look at me if they hear.
8:00 AM
we chat in groups of three,but i am drifting between
because nothing they say i really relate to
and none of it applies to me, but i wish it did.
8:30 AM
i don't know. that's all that goes through my mind.
i don't know, honey. could someone else know?
someone else could know. but she wants me to.
9:00 AM
i'm free now and it's all okay.
the brushes and the pencils on the paper
the music, the chats, the quiet.
10:30 AM
she's using a different tongue!
but i can understand her. only a few others can.
you can. he can. we can.
11:30 AM
they all like me here. somehow i know they don't.
they compliment me but their faces never change.
blank. blind.
12:30 PM
i eat for the first time today.
again they all chat in groups and i drift again.
i accidentally wish he was next to me.
1:30 PM
oh what fun they all have in these confined borders.
i join in and sometimes i manage to convince myself
that i'm actually a part of them.
2:30 PM
i march a distance with a deepening frown
because nobody who sees it will be upset to see me with such a negative expression. get used to it.
4:00 PM
oh.
what a contrast.
this is... different.
4:00 PM
there's this gun i keep aiming at my chest
and then refusing to cover the wound
because the bullet has been blown.
4:00 PM
why isn't the clock changing?
it all blends together, i guess.
the ache makes it all the same.
5:00 PM
she makes us all dinner and i eat the bare minimum.
i absently watch the television playing a show i hate.
i don't wash my dish.
5:15 PM
walking by the tv briskly
hoping he doesn't say my name
doorway, doorway, door shut, safe.
6:00 PM
scroll swipe tap, scroll swipe tap.
meaningless laugh. talk her through it.
scroll swipe tap, scroll swipe tap.
7:00 PM
i'm in more comfortable clothes but i forget changing.
oh well, it doesn't matter, scribble, copy, shut.
the soothing sounds seep from my speakers again.
8:00 PM
oh, where did the time go. oh well. it doesn't matter.
i miss yous and i love yous close but so so far.
platonic kisses and the lovey soberly best friends.
9:00 PM
for some reason everyone's asleep except me.
i wish i could do that but.
you know.
10:00 PM
let's read and write garbage,
scroll swipe tap, scroll swipe tap.
where did the time go?
11:00 PM
for some reason i haven't felt an emotion in 7 hours.
i hate this. but she doesn't believe me.
why doesn't she believe me.
12:00 AM
which will it be tonight. 4 hours or 30 minutes.
let's let fate decide.
fate
does not
enjoy
my
existence
in particular.
